If memory serves

but I'm not quite sure, because I can't quite remember, a line from Battlestar Galactica insisted that :"All of  this has happened before and will happen again."
 Which I think nodded to the fact that the unfolding events in BSG were pre-ordained and replayed endlessly through all eternity. Or something.


 I'm a bit vague on this point, because the big blond sex-robot wan got a lot of screen time and I found her presence very distracting . 
Or something.


Anyway, all this BSG reverie was brought on by the news feature on The BBC Scotland site reporting that the Glasgow Science Centre's famous rotating tower is now famous for never rotating and never being open.
Cue  calls for an enquiry, public executions etc.
Which in turn reminded me that this had all happened before, yadda, yadda, on the pages of the old Jaggy Thistle back in August 2003. 



"Troubled Tower Testimony To Tits-up Technology.
The good news this week is that the Glasgow Science Centre welcomed its millionth visitor - the bad news is that the tower thing is still shut.
With no sign of the landmark structure reopening after it disobligingly started to sink into the ground a few weeks after being completed, staff at the Centre are now pondering reassigning meaning to the structure.
Initially seen as a visual metaphor celebrating Man’s technological aspirations, it is now thought that the tower will now remain shut - in mute testimony to the number of times Man makes a right arse of something.
As Professor Beaker of Dundee’s Centre for The Study of Face-Saving U-Turns explains:"This might work, we need to be reminded from time to time that our race’s technological endeavours come to aught. But we’re not alone in this, God created man as his supreme accomplishment and look at the arse-up The Deity made of that one." It is thought that the Centre will mount an exhibition picking up on the tits-up theme. Included will be a selection of items bought from PoundStretcher, famous for looking the part but never actually working.


There were plans to feature items bought from More Stores but those never even made it out of the shoap before turning to a useless pile of plastic crud."

This from The BBC

It's not the implied irony of a tax advice worker doing the benefits system.
It's the look on her face outside court. 

She doesn't look that fussed does she?

Normal disrespectful, stupid, cheap gag service will be resumed later...

But for now:

All human, all Norwegian.

What I love

about this scary news from MSNBC.com is how understated the sub-heading is.
 "Could interfere with shipping" is a masterpiece of calm understatement in describing the possible impact of a lump of ice THE  FUCKIN' SIZE OF FUCKIN' MANHATTAN! 
Canadians eh? You've gotta love them.

I think

we can safely assume that this link to a "news" feature is a bit tongue in both cheeks since its from The Guardian's website. It reminded me of a letter into the paper many years ago that opened innocently enough with :" I see Princess Margaret is on holiday this week," but finished  with, "On holiday from what exactly?" 
Miaow...
                                                                               

Not ripped, not sorted

You know how it's said that taking an instant dislike to someone means you can save lots of time later?
Take a look at these chaps. 
I can't find a way of embedding the clip from a few days ago (the link is below but) but basically it's  a couple of minutes of them saying they were going to kayak all the way from Lerwick to Norway and how tough it was going to be what with the high winds and big waves expected. All delivered in that confident accent of those given to the English persuasion - you know the one, the way everyone in Ullapool seems to speak.
                                                                                                                                             
                                                                                  
                                     
Anyway, guess what happened. Go on, have a guess.

That's right, they had to give up after a couple of hours because of high winds and big waves.
And like earlier in the week, my thoughts turned Fast Showwards with "The Offroaders" confidently asserting what was  just going to happen just  before instantly fuckin' it up.


I know I should be more understanding, seeing how they were doing it for charity  and all, but still, I just felt that emotion, you know the one, the Germans have got a word for it. Starts with an "S".


Inside: If it's still up, the clip is at:http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-14185875

Christ knows,

your esteemed editor is no oil painting, but one can imagine the anguished cries emanating from Westminster, when Cathy Jamieson MP clocks the photo the BBC used to title a feature.


Something along the lines of "Whaur did they get that photee of my Mum? Oh, Christ in heaven! That's no me is it?"
 Might I suggest that you don't get between Cathy and the moisturising unguent section in Boots in what I imagine will be the very near future...

"Oil of Olay please, industrial strength."

Go on admit it,

I bet you were thinking  it as well.
Below is a snap of the Ayrshire couple who won 162 million of your earth pounds on The Euro Lottery. Tell me you didn't look at the couple, clearly suffering from (ahem) "salad-intolerance" and say to yourself: " Oh well, at least now they'll be able to afford a decent meal..."
                                                                                           
 
Oh, but then it gets worse. Apparently, this couple, who've just won over £160m remember, fully intend to buy another lottery ticket  for next week and forever and ever after that.
And if that bit of information didn't remind you of this, then you're clearly younger than you look . (Its about 1 minute or so in)...

I don't mind doing obvious,

sometimes doing obvious is the right thing...

Its easy done...

Summertime, and the living is easy etc 
You're doing the layout for the online story about Romanov and you drop the same photo in three times over.
 Its easy done...

Arf

I don't need to explain this do I?

More at:http://scottishcrucible.wordpress.com/

As my

old philosophy tutor at Oxford would've no doubt told me, if I'd  gone to Oxford, "JT editor, dear boy, context is crucial to understanding."
How very true. Imagine the scene, dear reader do, just a few scant hours ago when we pulled into a picnic stop on the banks of Loch Tay. I first spot this gentleman, at the entrance to the stop just standing about.
"Ah, ha," thinks I, " Day tripper fae Govan, I'll be bound."
Because he looked like this:
                                                       
                                                                                                 
                                       














But then I spot him a few minutes later, fully contextualised, like this:

    
















It turns out, dear reader, that him and his Lady Frau are of the Germanic persuasion, from Frankfurt, and they cheerfully spend every waking hour either in Scotland or thinking about Scotland. 
The gentleman concerned has gone as far as to convince himself that he was Scottish in a past life. So severe has their collective mania become that they fully intend moving to Scotland when resources allow. And no, they don't actually mind the weather...
So context is all for understanding. When I first spotted the guy I thought he looked a bit mental, after informative discussions I now confidently conclude that he's completely mental.
 And so's his wife.

While

less enlightened members of the Scottish community might wish to mark the border between ourselves and Them with a 200ft Vickie inscribed with "get it right up ye" in Latin, thankfully a more considered  choice has been made to mark our shared border at Gretna.
Isn't this a  lovely idea?
                                                                                                                                                   


Apparently the planned sculpture is called "Star of Caledonia", embodying our creative, scientific spirit. And the term for the overall effect is "starburst".
Unfortunately, funding might prove problematic, so might we suggest a cost-effective compromise? Please, applause isn't required, we're just trying to help out.

One photograph, two possible captions, a universe of competing interpretations

(From Skintsman on Sunday)

From The Hardup

Bid to give Scotland control of time zone

• 

• OUT OF STEP: The time in Glasgow and elsewhere in Scotland could differ from England. Wow, that's amazing, so  "time" itself would actually be different then? Fuck me. Picture: Martin Shields

SCOTLAND could be given the power to change its time zones under proposals laid out by peers.

First Minister Alex Salmond told The JT:" This is just the first step." Mr Salmond has long argued that Scotland will never flourish unless all powers are devolved to Holyrood- including the power to control space and time itself. 

It is thought that Mr Salmond is meeting with The Lord Of All The World next week to negotiate transfer of the power required to fundamentally alter the space-time matrix. 

Mr Salmond said:" Talking about the meeting in terms of next week is a bit of a simplification since, in a very real sense, Our Creator exists, atemporally, beyond  our common sense understanding of space and time. However, that paradox apart I'm looking forward to meeting with the King of Kings and exchanging ideas."

It is thought that Mr Salmond will take the opportunity afforded of meeting with Alpha,Omega to reassure the diety that  he, she or it would still be worshipped in an independent Scotland. 

"As I said to Her Majesty the Queen only last week, she has nothing to fear from Scottish independence, to which she replied, and I thought this was really funny, "I don't have to worry about anything, you horrible little oik, I'm incredibly fuckin' wealthy, now fuck off out of it before I have you flogged," which I found very funny although I didn't really understand what she meant."

Her Royal Graciousness was in Edinburgh this week to officially start the new term at Holyrood which will now promptly shut for the summer. The sprightly octogenarian participated in something called "The Riding" which turned out to be something to do with fuckin' about with horses and not nearly as interesting as a first glance at the name suggested.

Her MajesticFabulosity  departed Edinburgh in a gold helicopter with a busy eternity of opening and closing things ahead of her. It is thought that when God finally calls time on the Universe, Brenda will officiate, unveiling a space plaque before being presented with yet another fuckin' bouquet of fuckin' flowers. It is thought that on that last day, Prince Philip will turn to The Source Of All Existence and enquire: "So, what do you do then?"

I have a theory

You know how Edinburgh City Council's a bit rubbish when it comes to tram projects and all that? Well, here's my theory.
Below is a picture purportedly of Jenny Dawe, "leader" of the City Council.

Except it isn't. "Jenny Dawe" is Kevin Eldon, the go to guy for all comedic needs, in a blond wig, just fuckin' about.


Tell me I'm wrong. Go on, tell me.