Ooh, its a tough one isn't it?

I mean how do you know that you're really Scottish? Okay, it's easy enough if you live In Scotland, but what if you're somehow marooned in Foreign, far from your ain folk? 
Thankfully, help is at hand...

For if you can watch the clip below featuring words by Burns, singing by Redpath, and a setting provided by film genius Terence Davies without greetin' like a big jessie then I think it's pretty clear you're deficient in the Scottishicity department. 
Or maybe it's just me...


Holiday hellos to all JT readers of whatever nationality.
Be happy, be safe, do good.
See you next year.

I must admit,

this took me a minute to appreciate but its worth the wait. 
Thanks to Thunderbay Pete...

An Xmas tale

Many years ago, fellow jagsters, when the world was made of wood and only came in black and white, your editor and SO found ourselves awaiting an operatic production in a hall, in an English town.


Imagine our disquiet, reader dear do, when we discovered that the tradition there in was to play the National Anthem (I told you it was a long time ago) at the commencement of proceedings and not at the conclusion. As you know the latter tradition deploys the opening bars of that hymn to the hereditary principle because it is guaranteed to clear a public place faster than a ringing fire alarm.
But, oh fuckin' no. In this hall, it was played at the start so your editor and SO endured a rather awkward moment with the metaphorical spotlight picking us out, courtesy of us being the only two people left sitting down. Whoo, awkward, as the young people are given to saying...


Which brings me to Songs of Praise, the BBC's weekly prime -time nod to God Bothering. If I happen upon it, in mid-bother as it were, I'm usually quick enough to flip away to another channel with something more interesting on, but last night I found myself caught. The show was on the end-credits and as  I was waiting for the news I thought I'll just have to ride this out.


I'm so glad I did because the BBC played a trailer for next week's SoP which I helpfully transcribe in full below:


"Next week Aled (fat, Welsh singy bloke, given to bothering God in Welsh-sounding gibberish) introduces a spectacular Xmas Day big sing from the Royal Albert Hall. There'll be carols aplenty for everyone to sing and festive songs from star guest Chris de Burgh! (Chris De Burgh? Chris De Fuckin' Burgh? Quickly everyone gather round! Chris de Burgh's on the telly!) 
So, put your feet up for a very special Songs of Praise and join Aled and 5000 singers for the perfect way to celebrate Xmas!"


Yes, that's right. A winter festival designed around the idea that God was made incarnate and came to Earth to save all our asses and what does the BBC want you to do? Put your feet up.
Now, although I'm no expert on the topic, I would've thought reflecting on The Advent required  one to assume a prayerful position just to be on the safe side, but putting your feet up? That's just taking the piss isn't it?

"And Jesus walked among them saying, I am The Lord your God and everyone just needs to put their feet up and like chill..."

"Yes, this idea will definitely work..."

Faced with sliding circulation figures, The Scotsman's management announced this week that the paper will revert to a traditional format with no supplements. A senior source at the paper told The JT." Apparently this internet thing is looking like being more than a passing fad, so we're having to rethink our business model." 
It is thought that as part of the revamp, the paper will no longer feature "photographs", or as described by management " new-fangled lithographs". Below we have an exclusive look at the new format...

And as Scotland

looks forward to (or else) a year of artistic creativity, Culture minister Fiona Hyslop employs her titanic intellect to understanding the distinction between representation and reality...

Inside: With apologies to the writers of Big Train.

Ooh look,

isn't that sweet? 
Two trucks apparently enjoying a good long rest at The  Rest And Be Thankful. Its geographic/nominative irony that's what it is... Possibly.

Inside: Elsewhere on our storm-lashed isle: apparently a wind turbine toppled over in the wind.

When it comes to criticising

China's human rights record, Alex Salmond, according to The Scotsman, is having a "friendly word" about it.

And with

the Chinese giant pandas arriving any day now at Edinburgh Zoo, the zoo's management deny that the animals will be used to promote corporate brands...

And as Scotland

goes down for the third and last time sinking below the surface of a rain-soaked country, we ask: can we get a couple of cheap gags out of a terrible situation?

Man calls AA:"When I say the car's engine is flooded what I mean is..."

Rail passengers enjoy complimentary, cooling and compulsory "foot spa experience."

Flood transforms Cumnock.

But river open...

                                          

I'm inordinately

grateful to The Guardian's Saturday Guide for a feature on the wonders of the Teutonic retailer Aldi.
Apparently the said retailer sells something called Disco Biscuits. And yes, you'd be right in thinking that elsewhere, the term Disco Biscuits, has a meaning not a million miles away from describing  certain  illicit (ahem) "substances" marketed to the young people given to going clubbing. 
Ebenezeer Goode indeed...

"Awright man? Waanting any disco biscuits for the night?"

This just in from The BBC

Done and done...

Student Tory agrees burning Obama effigy "sent out wrong signal"

As a shit storm gathers force around the St.Andrews University Conservative Association over the burning of an effigy of President Obama at a club bonfire, the president of the club moved swiftly to apologise.
 Pausing only for a minute to adjust his cravat, club chairman The Right Honourable Guy Gap Yahr told The JT:" We'd like to apologise unreservedly for the burning in effigy of a famous African American statesman, we now recognise that this sent out the wrong signal.On reflection, the correct course of action would have been to lynch the effigy which was what our American cousins did to uppity coons back in the good old days. Thank you".

And as

the Largs based Euro winner lottery winners announce plan to donate £1m to the SNP, there's good news too for a local business as the couple settle a long standing debt...

Ooh er missus...

"Entryism? Ooh, the sauce!"

Absolutely all kudos goes to The Scotsperson hack reporting that Tommy Sheridan's press officer is defecting to the SNP. 
Specifically, the paragraph that reads : "Former Labour MEP Mr Kerr told The Scotsman he had held talks with Sheridan during a prison visit to his former boss, whom he insisted was “very sympathetic” to his decision to join the SNP.He also said that there “could well be” other members of Solidarity planning to defect to the SNP, a move which could see left wingers entering Mr Salmond’s party in a similar tactic used in the 1980s and 1990s to influence Labour by far left groups such as the Militant Tendency."


The temptation to note that Tommy is an acknowledged expert  on, and practitioner of, differing  (ahem) "variants" of  entryism must've been nearly overwhelming... 
Well done for exercising such restraint.

If you squint

really, really hard,, you can just about make this tit look like a cheek and nose. 
Well done The NHS in Scotland, what need have you for checking a layout before sending everything off to the printers?

Davidson to offer Fraser "big job", Fraser to consider options, not excluding suicide.

Walking holiday-enjoyer and new Tory leader in Scotland Ruth Davidson is to offer defeated rival Murdo Fraser a "big job" in her new team. She told The JT, "You can see from the diagram I've supplied, that I'll be asking Murdo to form a vital, important integral part of the Tory campaign to continue being a complete irrelevance in Scottish politics. 

At the time of writing Mr Fraser was said to be considering his options up to and including sticking  a Glock 9 in his mouth and just being done with it all.


Elsewhere, Ms Davidson revealed her new weapon in the coming political battles. As seen below, if required she can deploy her "Oxter of Radiance", an intense beam of light emanating from her armpit, that will destroy her enemies utterly and allow her to reign unchallenged as Queen Of The Underworld (North British Branch) for countless  millennia or until such time as she gets dumped by the activists.

A somewhat analogous process has also been known to occur

in other, more intimate, interpersonal contexts. 
Although, of course, I wouldn't know anything about that... Oh no.

Inside: And this just in, ( if you'll pardon the expression) , the company responsible has offered to put on another display free later in the month. Presumably along the lines of, " Listen, I'm really sorry about that, just give me a minute and I'll be ready to give it another go..."
                                                                                                                      

Davidson victory, " A triumph for happiness"

Long term Tory activist  Flora McMargarine, (pictured left), expressed delight to The JT on the news that Ruth Davidson had been elected as leader of the party in Scotland. 
"I thought the other candidates didn't stress often enough how important it was to have an optimistic, happy outlook in life, unlike Ruth who cheerfully admitted to being gay all the time. That's the spirit!"
Flora expressed her heartfelt wish that Ruth meets Mr Right soon because she doesn't  want any nasty rumours to start, like the rumours surrounding (rest of sentence removed on legal advice)...

Just in case Mr Right doesn't know how to find Ruth...

Ladies,avert your gaze now

for fear you might faint clean away.... 
Apart from producing the best scatological satire on the planet, Viz, I've just discovered, are on that thing the young people call Facebook. And unlike 99.99% of FB accounts this one is actually worth looking at. Not least the couple of pages featuring pictures sent in by readers. And as an added bonus, some of the comments appended are really funny too.
An example below, and below the example, a helpful link to all the merriment. Enjoy. 
Ladies should look away now.

Inside:http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.115083725219750.14844.115082048553251&type=3

From The Scotsperson, sort of

Scarlett goes cruising in Glasgow
Published on Saturday 29 October 2011 22:08
GLASGOW shoppers did a double take yesterday when they spotted Hollywood star Scarlett Johansson cruising around in her now trademark white transit van.Shooting scenes for her sci-fi alien horror film Under the Skin, the 26-year-old (pictured) and her FilmNation crew did their best to blend in with the city crowds.
What shoppers didn't know was that the film shoot is an elaborate cover story to conceal the real reason for Johansson's visit - to exploit  Scotland's elderly.
A movie insider told The JT: "Between takes, Scarlett is always driving off in her van, cruising the area's housing estates looking for OAPS to scam." 
It is said that when Ms Johansson spots a car with a disabled sticker on it in a driveway, she will try to persuade the usually elderly home owner that they have loose roof slates needing fixing or some other scam. 
Effie McGeriatric told The JT: "You can imagine my surprise when I opened the door to find the star of Lost in Translation there offering to tar our driveway cheap for cash because she had a spare ton left over from another job." 
Police are warning elderly residents to be suspicious of Hollywood A-listers impersonating utility company staff in an attempt to gain access to the home. A spokeshelmet commented : "When Brad Pitt was in Glasgow filming  his zombie movie we had reports of him going door to door between takes, in a boiler suit, claiming to be there to read the gas meter. One elderly resident  remarked: "He was awfie plausible, I had him in to read the gas meter and ahm aw electric."

Scarlett "Strictly cash only" Johansson

Inside: With apologies to Mrs Brady and Elton John.And David Furnish.

"Can fuckin' Alex Salmond do this?Well,can he? Can he?"

Iain Gray, outgoing Labour leader in Scotland, used the platform of a special hustings conference to dedicate the future leader to "saving devolution".

On concluding his speech, Mr Gray entertained delegates with his extensive range of children's party favourites remarking :"Fuckin' Salmond cannae dae this, kinnee? Prick."

As you know

reader dear, I never pass up the opportunity to be shocked, really shocked, on your behalf. Honestly, the filth I get sent and I'm expected to re-post, willy and indeed nilly.
Seriously, thanks to Our Man In The Frozen North,Thunder Bay Pete for sharing the below. 
I knew winters in N.Ont were long but even so... (Apologies, as the actress no doubt said to the bishop, if it's a bit squint...)

Its from The BBC, more or less,

so it must be true. More or less...

and in

his statement to The Commons, Dr Fox laid the blame for his resignation at the feet of what he described as "a vindictive media." 
(ahem)...

Go on, admit it, you thought so too...part two

Insert own "where's your beard then?"
gag here.

 (ahem)....









http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/collections/p007jyx1#p007n12s

Is your tea oot?

With boundary changes promising some very entertaining political fratricide to come, we ask the MPs- is your tea oot?

BUT WHAT DO THE MPs THINK?
A Mr D.Alexander from Paisley and Renfrewshire South says:"Based on the reworking of the boundaries it looks like I'm fucked with a double-helping of fucked-upness on top. Looks like I'll be shifting to a senior role in a large Scottish voluntary organisation that exists solely to provide soft landings for ex-politicians."
Another D.Alexander, this time from somewhere in the frozen north says: " Bollocks. It looks like I'll have to fight my cousin in gingerness, Charles Kennedy, for  dibbs on one remaining seat. By the time the election come around in 2015, the Westminster Coalition will be reduced to feeding new born babies into a furnace to keep the bankers warm and I'll have to explain to my torn-faced in-bred constituents why this is a good thing. I'm so fucked.
 I wonder if there are any jobs going in that tree protection outfit I used to write the occasional press release for?"
A Mr C.Kennedy, also from up north says: " Sorry, what?"
A Mr D.Mundell from Dumfries and Galloway writes:" Speaking as the only Tory MP in Scotland I'd just like to say thank you and goodnight."

Go on, admit it, you thought so too...

Again addressing that JT cohort just back from Mars and/or living in real Foreign, not England Foreign, you might have missed the  recent disquiet surrounding East-Kilbride born Defence Minister Liam Fox and his long-term friend Adam Werritty.
 I don't want to rehearse the detail here, that's what the web's for, but there is some question about Fox 's relationship with the guy and access to sensitive government material, possible misrepresentation and financial gain, yadda, yadda and indeed yadda.
Needless to say, we're much more interested in the prurient mileage to be had in reviewing media coverage of the matter.


Back last week, the story broke, and my eye was caught by the photograph that it has turned out has subsequently topped or tail most  reporting on the story . You know the one, (or variants thereof):

I swear to Christ, on seeing the photograph prior to reading the story my first reaction was "Fucking hell! I didn't know Liam Fox was gay!". Which of course, lets make this very clear, he very definitely isn't. 
The photograph above doesn't in fact record a Mr and Mr civil partnership ceremony as I, and the rest of the known universe, initially surmised. 
No, the above records the happy day when Mr Werritty acted as best man at the wedding of  Dr Fox to a lady. So that's clear then. What's less clear is why I can't find wedding days snaps where said lady does feature. Perhaps these other pics aren't in the public domain or she was away having a smoke outside. Anyway, moving on...


What's interesting about this pic and other variants is the ubiquity of its use in the papers. A by no means exhaustive list shows the image being  used time and again in The Daily Mail, The Telegraph and The Daily Express, (ahem) "newspapers" usually thought to act in the Conservative interest and least likely to feature,cough, images featuring a senior Tory politician that might be subject to more than one interpretation. Strange days indeed.
Of course there's been a lot of interwebular gossip concerning Dr Fox's preferences, but what hasn't been under dispute is the guy's previous as an unreconstructed Thatcherite. In fact he happily had the sainted Maggie along to a recent party, so no problems with being seen as the nasty party there then.
A million years ago, Anthony Barnett wrote a book about The Falklands War contextualised as part of the cultural apparatus of Thatcherism. He referred in particular to a   famous shot of Maggie, dressed up as a tank commander, sticking her head out of an army tank. He remarked at the time that a male politician would never have got away with that pose because he would've looked totally camp... Y-e-s. 
Have a look at his shot of our Liam, and bear in mind that Liam is a medical doctor, professionally and supposedly  personally committed to the welfare of fellow human beings. Could this setup be any camper or more horrible?

Police show "admirable restraint", it says here...

"Oi! Girlie! Step away from the ice cream now!"

A Glasgow man has received a warning after being caught flagrantly taking a photograph of his daughter in a shopping centre. Police from Strathclyde's crack Counter Terrorism ( Taking Photographs) Unit were called to the city's Braehead Shopping centre to investigate.

A spokesplodmp5 for the unit told The JT:" In giving this man a talking to, the unit acted with commendable restraint. We could've ended up looking like complete wankers, which mercifully we haven't. Not at all. Ordinarily, in these circumstances we would have implemented our SOP with respect to suspicious activity- the controlled explosion of everyone in a ten mile radius."
Professor Beaker of Stirling's Centre For The Study Of Everything commented:" It is heartening to know that in these times of heightened international tension that the Braehead Centre security staff and the police can act so swiftly and effectively to really fuck up someone's day. Well done everyone."

As you know, dear reader

because I've repeated myself often enough, I'm not one to intrude on private grief, even when it's on very public display. 
However.
If you've been on Mars for the last few days  you may have missed the news that Wayne Rooney pere has been helping the Liverpool bizzies with their enquiries relating to certain (ahem) irregularities surrounding  betting on a Motherwell/Hearts game last season. Wayne Senior, Dad of the spud-faced striker was pictured entering court the other day. Here he is:                                                                  

"Deydodatdontdeydo?"

              












Leaving to one side the rather obvious observation that the gentleman featured is unlikely to feature as the subject of an oil painting any time soon, (unless Edvard Munch reappears from the other side), it is crystal clear that Paw Rooney is missing a trick. 
In the manner of the Victorians who reckoned you could spot a criminal face, I would confidently put forward Mr Rooney's coupon anytime the OED wishes to illustrate the dictionary's definition of scally, in turn, usefully linking to the terms scrote, snide and going on the rob.                                                                                                                                   

I'm sure there's a moral

buried away in this story from That BBC Scotland but I can't be bothered looking for it.
Instead, we read:                                                                     
                                                                                                                             









And of course we then immediately try to access this eaterie's website,only to find:

One

for that admittedly vanishingly small, Breaking Bad/Half Life/Jaggy Thistle crossover demographic...

Inside: I'm looking for a non red-ring of death X Box 360 if you're throwing one out, y'all.

Yes Annabel, wishes really do come true...

Hang on, this must be some kind of mistake.

Same story: private school roll levels in Scotland. Two national newspapers, headlines spinning in opposite directions.
How can this be? I mean its almost like there's the truth, which is like, out there, and then there are interpretations of the truth in the media. No, I must've got that wrong. Right?
From The Hardup:

And from The Skintsman: