Scottish Television this week reacted with some incredulity on hearing the broadcasting regulator Ofcom was reducing the number of programmes STV has to make to fulfill its public charter obligations.
A spokesstudioone told The JT: "To be honest, it's years since STV bothered actually making programmes, so further cutting the existing number of local programmes from its current level i.e. nane, won't be too much of a stretch to be honest."
The new, more liberal regime does allow the station to speed up the move towards streamlining its televised output: as a vehicle for advertising phone-in competitions.
"We are thinking of rebranding the station for its new role as a sort of televisual bingo hall, "scratch card TV" has a ring to it, don't you think?"
Inside: It's competition time! "STV programmes are (a) a load of shite (b) a load of pish or (c) a load of pish and shite.
Calls will cost a minimum of your mortal soul and lines are open until hell freezes over."