Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Silence : that's the sound after men escape from the chain gang...

"Inmates in Scotland's biggest prison should be let out to work on major construction projects including new facilities for the 2014 Commonwealth Games, the justice secretary, Kenny Macaskill, said yesterday." The Scotsman, 9th September 2008

In what is clearly a well-thought-out plan, Justice Secretary Kenny MacAskill has called for convicts to work on modern day chain gangs. When famous for thinking outside the brain Kenny was asked by attending media how the convicts would be kept from simply running away, Mr MacAskill replied : "If they do, then they'd be on for an ass whupping."

A second attempt at escape, Mr Macaskill went on to explain would result in "setting a spell inside The Box" a tin shack to be used for solitary confinement in the 100 degree heat of a Scottish summer. If a third attempt was made to escape, then Mr McAskill insisted that the fleeing convict would be "introduced to Mr Remington here" he said brandishing an APR up-and-under shotgun. At this point several reporters were crushed as the waiting media hurriedly, er, hurried, for the exits. Mr MacAskill remained sitting stock still apart from taking the time to put on a pair of mirrored sunglasses.

It is thought that Mr MacAskill, in remaking Cool Hand Luke inside his mad head, is taking the lead from Alex Salmond's call for Holyrood to take a leading role in developing programmes for the new Scottish-only network proposed this week.

New characters will be introduced into this reiteration of the classic Paul Newman movie. Nicola Sturgeon will star as "Gnasher" the handily short good-time girl who services the convicts' sexual needs. Cathy Jamieson will star as the work camp's bad-time girl while her Holyrood colleague Jackie Baillie will star as "Salad Dodger" the whore with a heart of gold and an arse the size of Belgium. The role of Alex Salmond's beard will be taken by (gag punchline removed on legal advice)...

Inside: Isn't it amazing how the SBC came up with exactly the same ideas as Alex Salmond had all those months ago on broadcasting? Phew, spooky coincidence or what?

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