Wednesday, 17 September 2008

HBOS merger. Experts agree: "most efficient way to assure future bail out."

With cash-short HBOS looking to merge with Lloyds TSB, seasoned financial commentators are welcoming the move, as this seasoned financial commentator told The JT: "While a child of 5 might worry about allowing the banking sector to have fewer but much bigger players, thankfully the government doesn't turn to 5 year olds too often for advice or we'd all be seriously fucked."

Market sentiment has broadly welcomed the proposed merger with sources arguing that the move could save on paperwork later: "If the merged banks need a bail out the next time their management fuck up the debt book then they'll be a lot less form filling involved as the government will only be writing one cheque instead of two. Clearly, the senior managers who dreamt this merger up should take the time off from their busy day and award themselves a lovely big fat bonus. Again."

Contacted for comment on why the Government was not minded to overrule the merger on competition grounds, a spokesport told The JT: "When a bank the size of HBOS is in trouble it's important to stabilise market sentiment by allowing it to get bigger. The merged, bigger bank will be better able to manage any subsequent crisis simply by being bigger. Hang on, that last sentence didn't make any sense, just forget I said anything."

Inside: Handy Hint: the next time you get a letter from your bank about the size of your overdraft just tell them to take it off the money the government has thoughtfully loaned them on your behalf...

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