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Police "not all that fussed to be honest", as golfers exhibit lemming- like behaviour



Mischievous mallards post "fuck off swans" notice

Compelling evidence of Neolithic credit crunch confirmed by number of uncompleted neolithic bungalows

STV: "committed to continuing policy of not actually making programmes"

Scottish Television this week reacted with some incredulity on hearing the broadcasting regulator Ofcom was reducing the number of programmes STV has to make to fulfill its public charter obligations.

A spokesstudioone told The JT: "To be honest, it's years since STV bothered actually making programmes, so further cutting the existing number of local programmes from its current level i.e. nane, won't be too much of a stretch to be honest."

The new, more liberal regime does allow the station to speed up the move towards streamlining its televised output: as a vehicle for advertising phone-in competitions.

"We are thinking of rebranding the station for its new role as a sort of televisual bingo hall, "scratch card TV" has a ring to it, don't you think?"

Inside: It's competition time! "STV programmes are (a) a load of shite (b) a load of pish or (c) a load of pish and shite.
Calls will cost a minimum of your mortal soul and lines are open until hell freezes over."

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David Simon, God-like genius behind the God-like genius that was HBO's The Wire was in Glasgow last week answering questions at The GFT. That's the Glasgow Film Theatre for those living in Foreign, or, as I once heard it abbreviated : "Yeh, I'm going to that Fellini retrospective at the GTF", occasioning, this being Glasgow, the lightning fast riposte: "Whit? You're going tae the Get Tae Fuck?"

Anyway, for reasons that need not detain us here, I didn't get a chance to see the great man, mainly due to the fact that a certain member of my family knew about the event months ago and then forgot... I've discussed this matter with my SO and womb-holder responsible for giving this family member life and she agrees - homicide is completely justified.

My sense of injustice was completely capped off when I happened to scan Alan Taylor's diary in The Sunday Herald. Suffice to say, ex-librarian Alan isn't as bright as he thinks he is, evidenced by his gleeful reporting of a question he got to put to Simon. And that question was? Had Simon ever heard of "Taggart"? What a twat.

Having now gone into a monumental huff over the affair I've now arbitrarily decided that the The Wire is no longer the greatest drama to be seen anywhere at anytime since the Big Bang. That honour now goes to another crime drama that looked human depravity square in the face.

I wonder, do you think Dutch Gunderson is still up in Statesville Prison?

HBOS merger. Experts agree: "most efficient way to assure future bail out."

With cash-short HBOS looking to merge with Lloyds TSB, seasoned financial commentators are welcoming the move, as this seasoned financial commentator told The JT: "While a child of 5 might worry about allowing the banking sector to have fewer but much bigger players, thankfully the government doesn't turn to 5 year olds too often for advice or we'd all be seriously fucked."

Market sentiment has broadly welcomed the proposed merger with sources arguing that the move could save on paperwork later: "If the merged banks need a bail out the next time their management fuck up the debt book then they'll be a lot less form filling involved as the government will only be writing one cheque instead of two. Clearly, the senior managers who dreamt this merger up should take the time off from their busy day and award themselves a lovely big fat bonus. Again."

Contacted for comment on why the Government was not minded to overrule the merger on competition grounds, a spokesport told The JT: "When a bank the size of HBOS is in trouble it's important to stabilise market sentiment by allowing it to get bigger. The merged, bigger bank will be better able to manage any subsequent crisis simply by being bigger. Hang on, that last sentence didn't make any sense, just forget I said anything."

Inside: Handy Hint: the next time you get a letter from your bank about the size of your overdraft just tell them to take it off the money the government has thoughtfully loaned them on your behalf...

Photogags

After resigning as Greens Leader, Robin Harper reverts to his natural form



Dundee lights up as city's entire population find the cash to buy Power Cards

Pot, Kettle, Gray...

Isn't it funny when politicians try to sound tough and, not to put too fine a point on it, a bit working class?

Take Iain Gray.

"The Grayster", "The Man with No Plan" etc. etc. was duly elected Labour leader in Scotland at the weekend. After rising without trace, (apparently his own wife's a bit vague about what it is he actually does) he launched what I believe the press would call, "a stinging attack" on Alex Salmond.

It went like this.

When Alex was a civil servant, Iain was a teacher in a "tough, inner city school", when Alex worked for the Royal Bank, Iain was saving the natives in Mozambique. I suspect we're being left to draw our own conclusions here about the contrast between Iain, man of action and Alex, man of, er, expense account lunches eaten off the be-capped heads of the starving, down-trodden proletariat or something.

Factually, the comparison was accurate as far as it went. But, the problem here lies in what Iain left out. Nae herm to the guy, but he was a pupil at George Watson's in Edinburgh. For those of you living in Foreign, GW's is a dead posh private school in That Edinburgh.

Now, as I say, its not Iain's fault that his parents sent him to a toff's school, but why did he leave that fact out? I mean, he could've said something like "I enjoyed a privileged, cloistered education at one of the country's top private schools but I nevertheless developed a burning commitment to social justice". Nothing wrong with that is there? Fair play to him, we'd all say.

Ah, but you see, that iteration doesn't fit in with the man of the people narrative, so the school thing has to be glossed over: Alex is a posh twat, Iain's one of us - are we clear? Er, no.

Because the fact is that its been a long time since anyone in Scottish Labour could play that class card without being laughed at.

Iain's career trajectory reflects that of many Scottish Labour politicians, enjoying reasonably-paid, comfortable membership of the public and voluntary sector salariat. Mostly compassionate, certainly mainly conscientious social democrats, but Labour the natural home of life's rebels? Please.

That’s not to say that Alex is off the hook. He may see himself as a tough, no-nonsense type of guy, but be honest, would you look to Alex to cover your back in a fight? No, neither would I.

The truth is that all politicians, irrespective of party affiliation, are lifetime members of that select group of people who actually choose to sit at the front of the class.

To that extent, Alex and Iain will always have a lot more in common with each other than they have with the kids who sat at the back.

Inside: Presumably Andy Kerr will now have more time to pursue his hobby of "running". What kind of running is it? After the chip van perhaps?

Silence : that's the sound after men escape from the chain gang...

"Inmates in Scotland's biggest prison should be let out to work on major construction projects including new facilities for the 2014 Commonwealth Games, the justice secretary, Kenny Macaskill, said yesterday." The Scotsman, 9th September 2008


In what is clearly a well-thought-out plan, Justice Secretary Kenny MacAskill has called for convicts to work on modern day chain gangs. When famous for thinking outside the brain Kenny was asked by attending media how the convicts would be kept from simply running away, Mr MacAskill replied : "If they do, then they'd be on for an ass whupping."

A second attempt at escape, Mr Macaskill went on to explain would result in "setting a spell inside The Box" a tin shack to be used for solitary confinement in the 100 degree heat of a Scottish summer. If a third attempt was made to escape, then Mr McAskill insisted that the fleeing convict would be "introduced to Mr Remington here" he said brandishing an APR up-and-under shotgun. At this point several reporters were crushed as the waiting media hurriedly, er, hurried, for the exits. Mr MacAskill remained sitting stock still apart from taking the time to put on a pair of mirrored sunglasses.

It is thought that Mr MacAskill, in remaking Cool Hand Luke inside his mad head, is taking the lead from Alex Salmond's call for Holyrood to take a leading role in developing programmes for the new Scottish-only network proposed this week.

New characters will be introduced into this reiteration of the classic Paul Newman movie. Nicola Sturgeon will star as "Gnasher" the handily short good-time girl who services the convicts' sexual needs. Cathy Jamieson will star as the work camp's bad-time girl while her Holyrood colleague Jackie Baillie will star as "Salad Dodger" the whore with a heart of gold and an arse the size of Belgium. The role of Alex Salmond's beard will be taken by (gag punchline removed on legal advice)...

Inside: Isn't it amazing how the SBC came up with exactly the same ideas as Alex Salmond had all those months ago on broadcasting? Phew, spooky coincidence or what?

Tartan Army : grateful "thank you" to security forces

Thousands of Scotland fans denied entry to the Scotland-Macedonia game in Skopje on Saturday last night paid tribute to the local police force.

One footsoldier told The JT: "If it wasn't for the police force excluding us from the ground on safety, er, grounds, we would've have been forced to sit through that pile of pish."

That "pile of pish", Scotland being beaten one-nil by a country some 40 places below us in the Fifa rankings, is largely being put down to tactical failings on the part of manager George Burley. Perhaps overly concerned about the heat, it is generally agreed that the Scotland team played far too cautiously especially in the first half, as this Macedonia analyst now confirms: "Scotland played far too deep in the first half, especially the defensive line which was made up of the entire back four lying on sunbeds, wearing factor 15 with the brollies up."

Perhaps aware that the cold wind of criticism is already blowing on his neck, after the game Burley described Scotland's second half performance as "magnificent and courageous", leading the uninformed to perhaps conclude that we'd actually managed to win the game or at least sneak a draw, or that Burley had been watching an entirely different match.

But no. One can only imagine how effusive Burley will be when and if Scotland manage to win a game.

Meanwhile, mutterings can be heard regarding the sagacity of Burley's first squad choice - the selection, as assistant, of the Hun's hun, Suffolk boy made bad, Terry Butcher. Our Army source told The JT: "I'm not superstitious but I'm convinced that Scotland won't win a game until Butcher is taken upon a field and torn asunder by dray horses, his remains burnt unto ash and scattered upon unholy ground sown with salt. Alternatively, has anybody still got Vogts' number?"

Inside: If it's still up on the BBC site, I urge you to listen to Burley's post match interview with Chick Young. Honestly, you'd think we'd won the fuckin' game...

Jack suffering "Summit Separation" anxiety

You don't get your photo taken anymore, no one asked you for a quote and you don't get to spend days without number sitting around in meetings. Yes, it's tough being the ex-ex- leader of Labour in Scotland.

In an attempt to while away the months until he can don a pith helmet and piss off out of it to Malawi, Jack McConnell managed to get himself back in the news this week. On the back of a rather troubled aftermath to the Old Firm game, Jack's demanding that Alex Salmond re-institute Jack's sectarianism summits. You know the ones where the Proddie and Tim organisations piously pointed fingers at the other lot. Great those summits were. Very productive. Got a lot done.
Anyway, I'm sure that just before Neil Lennon passed out during his West-End kicking the last thing that went through his head was "This wouldn't be happening if only Alex Salmond had carried on Jack's visionary process to deal with Scotland's secret shame! Oh bollocks, everything going wavy..."

Alex has responded, sort of, saying that the SNP will be looking at broader issues of discrimination which is code for "If you think we're going to re-open the issue of separate education with our new best friends over in the Diocese then you must be even stupider than you look."

Indeed, The SNP will be studiously ignoring all that God stuff while addressing the key discriminatory issue facing Scottish society: gingers versus normal people.

In all of this, it's far too easy to forget about the people who really suffer when their supply of free conferences is cut off. I'm thinking here of Jack's old bag-carrier-in-chief, Frank MacAveety.
My spies at Holyrood tell me that, in the good old days, Frank could clear a buffet table in nothing flat, provided the spread met his key criteria: it wis free.

Sadly now Frank must queue up at Greggs with the rest of us where he was recently heard to remark: " £1.50 for a ham roll? Fuck me."

Inside: Catholic Church welcome "rational argument" on anything but separate schools. Orange Lodge wants to know what a "rational argument" is.

Health Warning - don't eat stuff just lying about

Following the toxic shock experienced by "Horse Whisperer" author Nicholas Evans after eating wild Moray mushrooms, scientists have warned visitors not to just eat stuff they find lying about.

A spokespipette told The JT: "The general rule of thumb should be - if it's just lying about it's probably not safe to eat. Because if it was, someone else would've already eaten it before you got there."

The same impeccable logic applies to wild rhubarb: "Wild rhubarb is just too freaky looking, you'd be fuckin' insane to eat something that looks like a Triffid." And brambles growing at the roadsides are also to be avoided, "These berries have absorbed so many particulates from car exhausts that the fruit's genetic structure has been modified. You don't eat the bramble, the bramble eats you."

Apparently this Evans bloke has sold 10m books. Christ, you'd think he'd have a few quid around to go to the shoaps fur food back and furrit...

Inside: This is true. The BBC Scotland feature on this has a picture of the Horse Whisperer author with a caption that reads: "Nicholas Evans was said to be stable in Aberdeen Royal". Horse, stable, arf. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/north_east/7593032.stm


If you try stewing these, they'll have your arm off....