Craggy-couponed ex-army chief Michael Jackson told the BBC's Panorama programme this week, (and I swear I'm not making this up), that: "Scotland will be safer in an uncertain world as part of The UK." He later told The JT: "As part of the US-led coalition, The UK has been engaged for many years in making sure the world is a very certain place, we're now ensuring that similar levels of certitude pertain in Afghanistan and very soon we'll be completing our programme of certainty in Pakistan - making these countries certainly the most dangerous places in the world to live."
Despite a rolling programme of certaintisation, General Jackson predicted that it would take several decades before the world was fully certaintised: "We're encountering some unexpectedly stiff resistance from Johnny Afghan in our campaign to win hearts and minds. Apparently physically separating human beings from their hearts and minds by blowing them to bits isn't proving popular."
General Jackson reacted with characteristic soldierly stoicism to the news this week that his namesake, the other Michael Jackson, had died. "As a celebrity Michael Jackson Name-The-Same, I'd been getting a lot of work turning up at monged-up night clubs at 2am and shouting Lights Ite! I imagine much of that work will now dry up."
It is thought General Jackson will still enjoy a lucrative income guest starring in TV and film productions as "Third Auld Jaikie on the left."
General Jackson concluded by insisting that Billie Jean is not, in point of fact, his lover either.
She's just, not to put too fine a point on it, a girl, who says that he is the one, but the kid is most categorically not his son...
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