"As you were" - top general type orders Scotland

Craggy-couponed ex-army chief Michael Jackson told the BBC's Panorama programme this week, (and I swear I'm not making this up), that: "Scotland will be safer in an uncertain world as part of The UK."

He later told The JT: "As part of the US-led coalition, The UK has been engaged for many years in making sure the world is a very certain place, we're now ensuring that similar levels of certitude pertain in Afghanistan and very soon we'll be completing our programme of certainty in Pakistan - making these countries certainly the most dangerous places in the world to live."

Despite a rolling programme of certaintisation, General Jackson predicted that it would take several decades before the world was fully certaintised: "We're encountering some unexpectedly stiff resistance from Johnny Afghan in our campaign to win hearts and minds. Apparently physically separating human beings from their hearts and minds by blowing them to bits isn't proving popular."

General Jackson reacted with characteristic soldierly stoicism to the news this week that his namesake, the other Michael Jackson, had died. "As a celebrity Michael Jackson Name-The-Same, I'd been getting a lot of work turning up at monged-up night clubs at 2am and shouting Lights Ite! I imagine much of that work will now dry up."

It is thought General Jackson will still enjoy a lucrative income guest starring in TV and film productions as "Third Auld Jaikie on the left."

General Jackson concluded by insisting that Billie Jean is not, in point of fact, his lover either.

She's just, not to put too fine a point on it, a girl, who says that he is the one, but the kid is most categorically not his son...

It's greenatopia! New targets put Scotland first when it comes to writing things about stuff down. On paper, with a pen.

A veritable green Elysium beckons as this week. The Scottish Government signed a document of intent, committing the nation to the most ambitious programme of re-greening a complete society ever attempted in human history.

A spokesrecyclingbin told The JT: "With this document, Scotland is punching well above its weight when it comes to writing loads of stuff down about green things."

Professor Beaker, of an academic department in a Scottish University commented : "This document doesn't actually have much in the way of detail in it. Presumably we'll just all wake up one morning in the future, at some point, and everything will be OK, because space elves have de-carbonised our society during the night. Or something."

Elsewhere on planet politics this week, Nationalist MSP and pub-bore, Bill Wilson, called for food labelling in "Scots" as opposed to standard English.

It would appear that Bill, who clearly has far too much time on his hands, hasn't fully thought this one through. Mainly because he thinks Scots is a language and presumably thinks a "dialect" is a mechanised killer-robot thing that trundles after Doctor Who screaming "Exterminate! Exterminate!"

Inside: For more on Could-Bore-For-Scotland-Wilson, could I direct your attention on this topic to:

http://planet-politics.blogspot.com/2009/06/tumshie-richt-enough.html.

It's not funny, but it's true.

"City of despondency" in major re-brand, not...

The City of Dundee aka Temazepam on Tay, announced a major re-branding exercise this week.

Dundonians, big of brawn, enjoying an effusion of tattoos and luxuriant facial hair (and that's just the women) are said to be overwhelmed at the prospect.

Explaining the change, a City Council spokespey told The JT: "We had a firm of consultants in fae Edinburgh, like, ken. And they said that the existing slogan "Dundee: City of Despondency" was too general and didn't reflect the 21st century zeitgeist of personalisation, whatever the fuck that means."

To reflect the new reality inside council officials' heads the new slogan will read "Dundee: One city, many despondencies".

Reflecting, presumably, that, when you think about it, ultimately we're all alone in the world, forced to live out our pointless existence trapped inside an existential hell of our own making.

Or perhaps it's not quite as upbeat as that.

Anyway, the new strategy will involve famous Dundonians acting as ambassadors for the city. Famous Dundonians like Brian Cox! That''s a good one, and then there's, em, er,

Did I mention Brian Cox?.

Inside: This is true. Many, many years ago, when the world was made of wood and life was lived in black and white, via The JT, I re-labelled Dundee as "The City of Despondency", much to the amusement of my Dundee-based readers.

Apart from Dundee City Council, that is. I got an email from the press office pointing out my "error".

Bored sub-editor finds reason to live again!

Copper stolen from police station

Two men have been arrested after copper was stolen from a new police station which is being built in West Lothian.

A security guard chased the alleged thieves at the new Civic Centre in Livingston before calling for help from police officers on bikes.

The officers were able to go down lanes which were not wide enough for police cars.

Police said two men, aged 21 and 17, were the subject of a report to the procurator fiscal.

Photogags

Wullie, the painter and decorator, didn't remember much about the job after that third tab of acid kicked in

Evangelical Christian very suddenly taken home to Jesus

Insert own " Irish army technique for checking field gun failure to fire" gag here

Day out had by the "really need to get a life" club

Newest recruit to underwater search and rescue service patiently waiting for snorkel to fetch

This just in...

Goodwin offers to reduce pension

Former Royal Bank of Scotland boss Sir Fred Goodwin has offered to reduce his pension by £200,000 a year.

The reduction would cut the value of his pension pot by about £4m, but it would still leave him with a pension of about £350,000 a year.

It is not clear at this stage if Mr Goodwin will continue just rippin' the pure pish...

Don't try this at work...

Imagine, dear reader do, taking on additional, paid work, carried out during the current working day, without clearing it with your main employer, and then that employer finds out.

LIkely subsequent scenario? Yup, that's it, jotters time.

Unless of course you happen to be an MP. Under current rules, MPs are allowed to make money on the side as long as they declare the range of income obtained (between £xxxx and £yyy) in the register of interests.

But now, mainly to fuck up the Tories admittedly, senior Labour minsters are calling for all outside work to be banned for MPs. But, obviously they've caught one of their own in the net.

Adam Ingram, who resigned his minister post at the MOD to spend more time with his directorships and consultancies told The Herald "If you don't have a hinterland, I don't think you're living in the real world."

Now, this is a creative variation on the traditional defence of outside work, i.e. "being the director of a large company with extensive business links with Whitehall, keeps me in touch with the real world."

I've yet to read of a MP electing to work the weekend night shift portering at their local A&E as a way of keeping in touch with the real world, but I live in hope.

The good Adam, BTW, counts as part of his own personal hinterland, a consultancy role with IT firm EDS. The company website proudly notes this very good bit of business:

"Ministry of Defence (MOD) – EDS has served military and secure government clients for more than 30 years. EDS is prime contractor on many of the MOD's major IT programmes. Also, as prime contractor in the ATLAS consortium, EDS is central to the successful delivery of the Defence Information Infrastructure (Future) (DII(f)). DII(f) is a major contract running over ten years and will replace numerous individual information systems throughout the MoD with a single more efficient information infrastructure."

A programme of work that must make Adam's trips to the hinterland very productive for all concerned.

"Hello, and welcome back...

...to GMTV with me, Lorraine Kelly. You know, at this time of the year most of us women have a wee problem, just how do you accessorise that lovely wee tartan handbag that caught your eye?


Well, here's an idea, how about mixing and matching by getting yourself a Challenger 2 tank? Apart from being the UK 's main battle tank, capable of 54kmph and rapid fire from its 120mm rifled tank gun, it'll go with just about anything, including that wee tartan bag.


Tomorrow we'll be looking at summer sandals and asking just how does a Tornado match up against The Harrier when it comes to setting off those lovely wee tan numbers! But now, let's find out if The Arabs will be spending any money on new players over the summer. Morning Craig, how's Dundee this morning?"

"Welcome, MP Jim Devine to FuckedVille, population you!"

Oh dearie me.

Jim Devine is so fucked.

If, that is, the Sunday Herald story linked to below is true. It's not often that I'll concede ground on the satire front, but honestly, I couldn't have made this one up.

The fact that the chippie in question is denying all knowledge of the alleged work, suggests that he's spotted Her Majesty's Bizzies hovering about and decided to, er....

Well, in way of illustration, might I refer you to an old Tam Cowan gag, viz: "What's rarer than a virgin in Motherwell? A witness to an assault".

http://www.sundayherald.com/news/heraldnews/display.var.2512926.0.joiner_i_didnt_do_work_devine_claimed_for.php

I want this dug

Thanks to Iain for providing the heads up leading me to the clip below. This clip didn't form the promo for the Homecoming Scotland campaign, more's the pity. Iain, incidentally lives near Regina, a name which features prominently in the unfinishable limerick genre, the one that goes:

"There was a young girl from Regina

who used to shoot ping pong balls out of her kitchen window"

That one.

David, stop digging...

You know what they say, the only way to halt one's downward trajectory into the hole is to stop utilising a bladed digging implement to further excavate the cavity.Or words to that effect.

Wise words that should be heeded by Tory Shadow Scottish Secretary David Mundell.

David, if the Sunday Torygraph is to be believed, has helped himself to £3000 of other people's money over the last four years for (ahem) "photographic purposes." 

That £3000 has included us generously  helping pay for the world's only known legal copy of Photoshop which David insists he has only used for "resizing" photographs of himself and he's never done any "retouching." 

Y-e-s. 

Using Photoshop  simply to resize photographs is a little like needing to go somewhere and choosing a Maserati over a bus pass; not really justified I'm afraid. 

Before "resizing"...

...and after.