Monday, 18 August 2008

Should Chris Hoy sit at God’s right hand?

After his stunning gold medal tally in the Olympic indoor cycling thing, there are calls this week for Edinburgh-born Chris Hoy to be deified. The latest call, to have him sit in heaven at God’s right hand followed a weekend of rapidly escalating bidding on the accolade front.

Peter Wishart, SNP MP led the way in pressing for Chris to be knighted and he told The JT : "I’m well aware of the internal contradictions involved in an independence-seeking republican calling for a fellow Scot to be inducted by arcane ritual into the whole Ruritanian exercise in ancestor worship that is the British honours system. However, I’m not going to think about that, because if I do, it makes my head hurt.”
Later in the weekend, calls were for Chris to be made king. A constitutional expert told The JT: “All that is required is for the entire Windsor clan to be wiped out, perhaps in a bizarre gardening accident, and by marrying Charles’s widow, Camilla, Chris would become king. We would need to give him another medal for having to shag Camilla obviously. And a big clock.”

By early in the week, The Lord of All The World had let it be known through his press officer that it would please him to have Chris sit at his right hand for all eternity. For God, er, spaketh to The JT, saying : “Quite honestly, Chris’s achievement puts Jesus’s three days nailed onto a cross in the shade. It's high time that Jesus stopped sitting at my right hand, got off his arse and got a job. I mean it's been over 2000 years for fuck’s sake! Talk about milking it.”

The JT's spokesportsource paid tribute to Hoy's achievement : "This is a great achievement although I'm a bit hazy about how this indoor cycling thing works. As far as I can see, the rider just go round and round the track until the crowd starts cheering wildly and then he gets to stop."

Elsewhere on planet sport, plucky Paula Radcliffe succeeded in her attempt to repeat her Athens triumph, by blubbing all over the TV yet again. It is thought that Paula will now focus on the London Olympics in 2012, aiming for unprecedented third opportunity for us all to feel sorry for her…



Inside: And another thing. Have a look at this photo of Chris. See those heavily bandaged feet? That’s what comes of using a chip pan as a foot spa.

1 comment:

Craig said...

Aye, but whit aboot Graeme Obree?

In relation to this story, the *insertnameoflocalRCG_dbotherer* said:

"Well, if Chris Hoy's really all he's cracked up to be then he'll need to have gol....oh, hing oan a minut...".

In foreign news, much wailing and gnashing of teeth in this here foreign about the failure of their great sprint hope in the Olympics.

Ha! Good. Chinese hegemony is bad enough in the gym (where they've got an obvious advantage in terms of their lower centres of gravity) and in other events but if they were to take over on the track and field with their persistently hothoused athletes then who knows what'd happen?