|Dorothy, no longer in Kirkcaldy, yesterday.|
An SNP source told The JT: "For years we've been arguing that Scotland should become closer to Norway and thanks to the hurricane force winds shifting the entire Scottish land mass north east, our dreams have finally come true. Just like I've come again, sorry."
Professor Beaker of Glasgow's Centre For The Study Of Stuff told us: "This might be a good thing if we Scots adopt the healthy lifestyles associated with the Norwegians, although we might become more prone to depressive illness and suicidal thoughts. Or am I thinking of the Swedes?"
Speaking of Sweden, the translocation has also moved The Shetlands even further north, and the islands now lie just off the Swedish northern coast - that crinkly bit at the top. A spokesyou'renotfromaroundhereareyou? told The JT: "Our islands traditionally feel an affinity with Norway. We're not that keen on the Swedes to be honest."
Alex Salmond will seek urgent talks with the Norwegian PM to secure both a seat in national government for himself and a share in Norway's oil revenues since Scotland now sits in Norway's territorial waters.
It is thought that the response to both requests is likely to be "foork oorff", or words to that effect.