You know

that expression  about having one's arse handed to one? As in being bested in discourse whether physical, psychological or intellectual? Yes, of course you do, you're smart like me.


Anyway, I caught this over the weekend on C4 news, a "debate" between Tory MP Harriet Baldwin and New Statesmen journo Laurie Penney on smacking kids. Now, wherever you stand on this issue I think we can agree that the look on Baldwin's face is a picture as the young scampette Penney plays dirty by insisting on using reason, logic and an evidence-based approach to discourse. 
What a wee bitch, you're needing a slap young lady...

While I concede

that the line between satire and the "real" world is often very fine, I can't quite get my head around how this makes any sense:

While I attempt to wrestle with the logical paradoxes involved why don't you go and enjoy Karl Wallinger explaining the history of the world in four minutes, fourteen seconds?
Of course, if he'd had to explain bank bonuses he'd have been at it yet...

Is it just me

or do you also think that this photo of John Swinney was taken at The Shows?

"Clear need to exercise restraint in difficult fiscal climate..."

"...whee!"

Its official! I'm an idiot! Ae fond apology...

"The editor of The JT, what a twat!"

You know that lovely clip from The Long Day Closes featuring Ae Fond Kiss sung by Jean Redpath that I generously gave y'all as a Xmas present?


Well, someone has mailed in tactfully pointing out that the singer is one Isobel Buchanan and not Ms Redpath.


 Apologies to all, the YT video will be amended accordingly and I'll now spend the rest of eternity wondering why I was so convinced it was JR... Sorry.

Salmond discovers new fact about Games of Soldiers...

At least it would be cheap.

Alex Salmond this week accepted that an independent Scotland would somehow get by on the current Tory projection of defence spending for the future.

He told us:" I know that I previously insisted that Scotland retain its existing complement of military bases as a minimal requirement, but that was before discovering that defence spending is really, really expensive." 


It is thought that Mr Salmond's previous fantasy of Scotland's  brave soldiers leading the fight against an invading horde of fuckin' space aliens or something is now to be put indefinitely on hold and kicked comprehensively into the long grass, along with the previous bollocks about Scotland forming some kind of brigade of heavily armed social workers touring the world's conflict zones and taking out the bad guys. Jesus.


While Mr Salmond had previously heard the expression "fuck this for a game of soldiers" he wasn't familiar with the variant that  goes: "fuck this for an insanely expensive game of soldiers."

Tone deaf

So farewell then, as "internet advisor" at least, to Labour's Tom Harris. 


Apparently, he posted one of those "Downfall" tropes featuring Alex Salmond as Der Fuhrer and he's now had to resign for causing offence.
Alex Salmond as Hitler? How funny is that? Oh my aching ribs, desist at once for I fear my sides will split.


Let's leave aside for one moment the touchingly fossiled notion that DF hasn't been done to death, (what next Tom, a bangin' Rick Astley mash up?) and consider instead Tom's choice of fascist dictator to reference. 


Salmond as Hitler? Really? Fuck off.
No, as fat, superficially plausible, fat cunts go, there's only really one realistic comparison. 

Il Duce

Some Italian bloke

OK, just back away slowly and don't make eye contact.

"P'yow! P'yow!

As her contribution to an often heated debate on the independence referendum, Tory leader this week, Ruth Davidson, told fellow MSPs at Holyrood that: "The next 1000  days could  decide the  destiny of our country, not just for the next 300 years but the next 1000 years."

As MSPs coughed nervously and intently studied their order papers to avoid making eye contact, Ms Davidson insisted to The JT that she was not guilty of hyperbole. " Not in the least, I actually  dialled  it down a bit. In fact, this decision could echo on down the years to the End Of Time itself when space and time will melt one into the other and the universe will simply cease to be."


Looking to the medium term. the next 500 years, Ms Davidson told The JT: "If Scotland goes it alone, the ordinary people of our nation will be deprived of the benefits of technology that I've recently brought back from the future through a worm hole in my office. Behold my Oxter of Radiance mortals, and tremble!"


Responding to Ms Davidson's remarks, in that mock jocular tone that other people find fuckin' annoying, First Minister Salmond would only promise that the proposed referendum would definitely take place sometime in the next 1000 years.
Probably.

I'm sure

that you, like me, are honoured by the fact that the BBC's intriguingly bendy looking Economics correspondent,  cut- glassien Stephanie Flanders has graciously  turned her cool, analytic, yet strangely beguiling, gaze towards us this week.
But is it just me that has detected a subtle change of tone in her feature on the BBC website.Or are your meds starting to wear off as well? Woof!

"I don't think we're in Kirkcaldy any more,Toto. Ken?"

Dorothy, no longer in Kirkcaldy, yesterday.

This week's high winds have finally made the SNP leadership all come together in one  big squoosh - Scotland has been detached from the rest of the British Isles and now sits some ten miles off the Norwegian coast.


An SNP source told The JT: "For years we've been  arguing that Scotland should become closer to Norway and thanks to the hurricane force winds shifting the entire Scottish land mass north east, our dreams have finally come true. Just like I've come again, sorry."


Professor Beaker of Glasgow's Centre For The Study Of Stuff told us: "This might be a good thing if we Scots adopt the healthy lifestyles associated with the Norwegians, although we might become more prone to depressive illness and suicidal thoughts. Or am I thinking of the Swedes?"


Speaking of Sweden, the translocation has also moved The Shetlands even further north, and  the islands now lie just off the Swedish northern coast - that crinkly bit at the top. A spokesyou'renotfromaroundhereareyou? told The JT: "Our islands traditionally feel an affinity with Norway. We're not that keen on the Swedes to be honest."


Alex Salmond will seek urgent talks with the Norwegian PM to secure both a seat in national government for himself and a share in Norway's oil revenues since Scotland now sits in Norway's territorial waters.


It is thought that the response to both requests is likely to be "foork oorff", or words to that effect.