I'm shocked,

shocked and disappointed to read that we Scots aren't going to party like its 1999 in celebration of Wills getting hitched to Hingmae.
Let's see if we can't sprinkle a little fairy dust on the problem.


Before, typical Scots family not in the spirit:

But then, apply the fairy dust, and the family's attitude is transformed!

Self-explanatory, I would contend...

And this just in...

from BBC Scotland. Police investigating the bomb threat against Celtic manager Neil Lennon are requesting that a young couple come forward to assist with the enquiry.

The Day Of The Nearly Dead

As you know, I'm not one to intrude on private grief, but I couldn't help noticing that UK- Tory leader David Cameron was puzzled. Puzzled, that is, about why his party doesn't do very well in Scotland.
 Y-ee-s.


Here's a screen shot of a section of the audience for Dave's speech in Inverness.
Write in your own " and this lady is chair of the Scottish Young Conservatives!" gag  here.

I've had cause

before to comment on The Herald's online  headline copy, but this latest example takes the burgeoning art form to a whole new level of weirdness.
 Random words in no particular order- quality man, quality.

Scots agree with Scott, for once

Tavish Scott, leader of the Lib-Dems here, at home, among oor ain folk, has been quoted saying he's "not comfortable" with the UK-wide party's links with the Tories. The revelation  shows just how in accord Mr Scott's  emotional temper is with the wider Scottish voting public. 


In polls conducted for The JT this last weekend, Scots were found to be "not comfortable" with the idea that Tavish Scott actually existed. One respondent said: "When I reflect on the fact that Tavish Scott isn't just a two word concept but a living, breathing human being that I might actually bump into, I get very uncomfortable with the whole idea. Is there any chance of him just fucking off out of it?"


There may well be a fucking off window opening in the very near future, as real polls, not ones imagined in pursuit of a cheap gag, are suggesting that the Scottish Lib-Dems are on to a tanking in the upcoming Holyrood elections. 

Tavish Scott, not very comfortable, yesterday

The prospect of electoral annihilation has led one Lib-Dem source to comment :
"After being given an electoral kicking, politicians usually react by describing the process as a 'wake up call'. This one is heading for a call to take lots of sleeping pills, a half bottle of vodka and the writing of a long. teary, goodbye note."

Salmond: Moussa Koussa to face big question

Alex Salmond today confirmed to The JT that exiled Libyan minister Moussa Koussa should be questioned over the Lockerbie affair. 

"al-Megrahi? No, sorry, the name's not ringing any bells."

More specifically, Mr Salmond will seek assurances that  convicted bomber, Abdelbaset al-Megrahi, released on compassionate grounds in August 2009, is now safely dead.


Mr Salmond also told The JT: " I will also be asking Mr Koussa if time moves more slowly in Libya, because Kenny MacAskill was told back in 2009 that al-Megrahi would be dead in 3 months from prostate cancer. Are these lunar months or Jovian?"

Elsewhere, Mr Salmond launched the SNP Holyrood mainfesto, promising that his party would deliver on assurances that the SNP would fund a national football academy. 


He told anyone who'd listen: " Its high time that Scotland had its own football academy, closely modelled on the very successful institution run by the English FA. An academy that  has helped England to a string of  completely unsuccessful appearances in major competitions... actually, just forget  I said anything."


A spokeslace for the Mr Salmond later explained: "Alex mixed up his FAs. He thought he was talking about the English Football Association when in fact he was referring to Fuck All, the sum total of the pay off for England investing in a football academy."

Hold the front page

I don't normally piss on my own chips like this. 
One blog entry every day or so usually fulfils all my ego-requirements thank you so much. But, I couldn't resist this. 
As part of a bigger piss-take, (link below), Steve Bell, cartoonist genius of The Guardian, has given a walk on part to our very own twat de jour, Danny Alexander.


I listened to Steve Bell talking at a Festival once, and he recalled being told by a politician how proud he was to have featured in one of Steve's cartoons. Of which Steve remarked : " which was a bit of a pain in the arse, because I hated the bastard."


Think on Danny, think on.

 See: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cartoon/2011/apr/13/steve-bell-nhs-cuts

"Does this smell off to you?"

According to The Scotsman:

A RURAL medical practice in Scotland is at the centre of a vaccination alert following the discovery that potentially life-saving drugs may have been stored at the wrong temperature for up to nine months.

A total of 260 patients - including 98 babies and children - are being offered booster jabs for a range of diseases including polio, tetanus, diphtheria, and hepatitis A and B after the problems with the vaccine storage fridge were discovered during an external audit inspection by NHS Grampian.

It is thought that the entire reserve of vaccination drugs will need to be thrown out along with a diet yoghurt now a week  past its use by date, half a litre of semi-skimmed which smells OK but better to be on the safe side and a packet of bacon, still sealed, but is it meant to be that colour?

Its probably

something to do with a once-in-a-millennium planetary alignment or something, but here's a clip of Dustin Hoffman apparently waxing lyrical over stovies. Which he eats with chips apparently. 
(Thanks to Highland Pete and the geographically non-specific Keith for the heids up.)

Whit's Icelandic for "We surrender"?

From The Herald

UK to pursue Iceland over savers’ cash

• 

• DANNY ALEXANDER: Said he was disappointed by both the setback and persisting in being a speccy ginger twat

Coalition ministers have pledged to pursue Iceland in the courts to recoup billions lost by UK savers when the country’s banking sector collapsed.

It came as it emerged Scottish councils face a long wait to get back more than £30 million they lost in the crash....

Danny Alexander, the LibDem Chief Secretary to the Treasury, vowed yesterday that the matter would not rest and said that it would end in court. 

The Highland MP later told The JT: " I fully expect the Icelanders to completely crap themselves when confronted by me in court."

It is thought that the Icelanders, following a millennia old tradition, are already working on an epic poem to mark the up-coming court battle. The poem  begins :" And from the south there came the one they call Danny The Ginger Twat.... and the people looked upon Danny and laughed themselves urineless."

Inside: Apparently its "Vio afhendingu" if Google's to be believed.

Just when you want to remain invisible...

Fuckin' hell, who'd be Iain Gray eh? 
Pilloried as The Man With No Plan, The Grayster, The Charisma Free Zone, normally so slight and self-effacing he's not really detectable under normal lighting conditions. 
But then, the one time he might be able for make positive use of his ability to blend into the ambient, the power deserts him. Big time.


Yes, dear reader, Iain due to host a high-profile policy launch at that Central Station on Weegie Wurld, instead was ambushed by  a gang of protesters who apparently had just found out that life isn't fair. 


And worse, Iain ended up being defended physically by Margaret Curran. Unfortunately Mags wasn't channelling the spirit of dalek top dog, Davros, so the protesters escaped incineration.


But still, who'd be Iain eh?


Inside: Sorry, for those of you readers  living in Foreign I should point out that Iain Gray is the leader of the Labour Party in Scotland. And for those of you readers living in Scotland, I should point out that Iain Gray is the leader of the Labour Party in Scotland.

Tavish: "Let's just move on-if you're alive that is."

Scottish Liberal Democrat leader Tavish Scott used the launch of the party's Holyrood manifesto as an opportunity to "draw a line under" the furore surrounding his party colleague John Farquhar Munro. 
The Highland MSP, retiring this year from politics,  has controversially endorsed Alex Salmond the SNP leader as the best potential leader at Holyrood. 
Mr Scott told the attending media: " John  said what he said. I've dealt with the issue as you can see, so let's all just move on."

Annabel: "Its time to be honest

with our supporters about our election prospects" , said Scottish Tory leader, Annabel Goldie at the launch of the  party's manifesto.

"Hello? Hello? Can you let me out now please?"

"No, that's actually me that made that film.
Not Danny Kaye, me."

Ex-MP, Jim Devine, described as a "fantastist" and a  "Walter Mitty" character by an ex-employee denied to The JT last night that he'd  just been handed a 16 month jail sentence for fraud.


"Yeh, I know that's what it looks like" he whispered, eyebrows arching, " but I'm really going on a secret government mission so this whole jail story is a cover. I really can't say anymore, its completely hush hush."


Satisfied with that explanation, The JT tried to terminate the conversation, conducted via a sophisticated system of taps on the pipework within Mr Devine's new home, prison. 


Mr Devine hurriedly responded: "Okay, Okay! I'll tell you but you can't tell anyone else right? I'm being sent into space to divert an asteroid that's heading to Earth.No wait, that's next week, I forgot.
This week I'm going to arm wrestle Colonel Gaddafi into giving up power.
 Its true, he's told everybody, he'll only give up if I beat him, best out of three in that big tent. He's said that, I've got proof of him saying 'I will only give up if I'm beat at arm wrestling by the one they call James  The Devine!' Honestly,  the clip of him saying that is on You Tube. No, hang on, its not on You Tube, the clip's been taken down for security reasons, but I can't go into it any further."


Mr Devine concluded the interview by saying that he was now fully prepared for his secret mission to Libya and was just waiting for someone to come and open his room door which seemed to have go stuck. The ex-MP did assure us that he could open the door dead easy if he wanted to but he didn't want to give the real criminals in the prison any ideas.


Inside: With all respect to Aldridge Prior.