Auditor warns of high likelihood of fucked-upness

Robert Black, Scotland's Auditor General, told The BBC this week that the outlook for public spending in Scotland was "dismal" and warned that politicians faced making very difficult decisions. He later told The JT : "Basically we're fucked, with an extra helping of fuckedness, topped off with sprinkles and and a great bit dollop of fucked-upness."


Mr Black said that the need for public-spending cuts had been apparent for a number of years, saying :"If only there had been a public-funded body auditing all public spending during that period and headed by someone willing, at that time, to talk about the coming shit-storm. Er, hang on, I've just thought that one through, just forget I said anything..."


Mr Black insisted that in the coming review nothing could be ruled out in the need to cut spending: "There may well be a need to look at the whole area of spending audit. I mean, can we really afford to fund an auditing department that produces reams of paper every year but is incapable of offering advice until it's too late? Er, hang on, just forget I said anything. Again..."


It is thought that if Audit Scotland's role is pruned then Mr Black might be forced to walk the streets, importuning pedestrians with the siren call, "Hello dearie, you look like you could do with a thorough auditing..."
If this career path fails, then Mr Black might face the ultimate degradation...

World's oldest whimbrel found!

According to the BBC, the world's oldest whimbrel has been found on a Shetland island. 
Contacted for comment, someone we met in the street told The JT : "This is great news. Or at least I think it is. I'm not actually 100% sure what a whimbrel is to be honest. Is it like a kind of frog or something?"


Professor Beaker of Aberdeen's Centre-for-Know-It-Allology told The JT: "Whimbrels are vitally important to the ecology of the Shetlands, providing a vital indicator of the  current environmental health of the islands. Or perhaps not. Because I've no idea what a whimbrel actually is."
Apparently it's actually some kind of bird. 


Inside: "Oh I know this. Oh I loved this song when I was a kid. It went: "The Whimbels of Wombledon Common are we." Don't you remember it? Don't you?"

This is what adults call

a sense of perspective.

Denny Distortion Delivers Denial

A red-faced BBC may well be forced to apologise after a news story misquoted Denny man Brian McCabe. 
According to The BBC, Mr McCabe said : "Denny town centre looks like Beirut on a bad day." Mr McCabe later told The JT : "The BBC quoted me out of context in the edit. What I actually meant was that, even on a good day, Denny looks like Beirut on a bad day."


The correction comes amid moves by desperate Dennyian denizens to claim the Plook On A Plinth Award for urban desolation. Denny was a worthy runner-up to John O'Groats in the annual award. 
With John O' (er) Groatians reluctant to accept the award, Denny locals want to claim it, to put pressure on the local council to "improve" the town centre.
It is thought that the town centre is holding Denny back economically, an opinion backed by the Hollywood glitterati. 
A production designer who worked on the  post-apocalyptic grim-a-thon The Road, told The JT: "We scouted Denny as a possible location to show signs of absolute urban desolation, but our budget wouldn't stretch to the amount of work needed to bring the town centre up to that standard."















Meanwhile, Falkirk Council's crack marketing professionals are about to swing into action to improve Denny's image. A spokesAnsoff'smatrix told The JT: "In the absence of any money to actually make any physical improvements to Denny, we're working on a perky slogan in the hope that people visiting Denny will believe the slogan as opposed to the evidence of their own eyes."


Possible slogans in the mix include:

• Denny. If you think this is bad wait 'til you see Bonnybridge.
• Denny. At least it's no Dunipace. Dunipace is a shitehole ken, eh?
• Denny. Proudly twinned with Dresden (as it looked in June 1945).

As you know,

I wouldn't dream of thinking up a cheap photo gag at the expense of the visiting Pope, or, God's Vicar on Earth, to give him his proper title.

Unfortunately, some JT readers don't share my fastidiousness... 

Sorry.

Oh Christ...

Artist Peter Howson stunned the art world this week by saying that his previous work had been "overly frivolous and far too light-hearted." 


Unveiling his latest work, featuring a Christ-like figure enduring agonising pain, he told The JT: "This is the last painting I do that is cheery and uplifting. From now on I intend to work exclusively in black pigment. My future work will look, to the untutored eye, just like a big block of black paint."


Mr Howson, in a no way obsessive manner, returned again to the question of his religious affiliation. According to  a report in The Herald, he denies any wish to practise as a Roman Catholic, although it is thought that he definitely helps them out when they get busy. 

Inside: I'm so sorry, but I just couldn't resist linking to this:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VqY6hLosCo

From The Hardup

Boundary changes may help Tories at Holyrood

heraldscotland staff

9 Sep 2010

The redrawing of Scotland’s political map offers a boost to struggling Tories north of the Border.

Analysis of sweeping constituency boundary changes by Lancaster University’s Professor David Denver ahead of next May’s crucial Holyrood Parliament elections suggests that if the alterations had been in force for the 2007 contests, the Conservatives would have had three more MSPs.

It is thought that if this radical strategy does not work, then ballot papers will be issued showing only  the name of the Conservative candidate. Professor Denver told The JT :"Based on computer predictions, we anticipate that if the Tory candidate was the only option on the ballot, then the Tory candidate might actually win."
The prediction followed an earlier modelling exercise that found when voters were given the choice between a named Tory and "AN Other", AN Other inevitably won.

The blame game.

As the Pope's visit grows ever closer, Scotland's Cardinal Keith O'Brien, in a touching display of Christian forgiveness, has laid into The BBC, accusing the Corporation of "anti-Christian" bias.
It is thought that the attack is in no way connected to fears at Tim Central that The Pope's visit might not be a resounding success. 
Fears centre on the top pontiff's big gig at Bellahouston Park with rumours flying that The Pope might cancel that performance due to poor ticket sales, and switch to an acoustic set on a Tuesday night at The Arches.


Keith has apparently forgotten that the BBC is the only broadcasting institution required by statute to provide religious broadcasting, including such stand-outs as "Thought For The Day" on radio and "Songs of Praise" on the box.


Curiously, Keith's critique of anti-Christian bias doesn't include ripping STV a new one, but maybe's that's because the lovely personality that is Michelle McManus works there. You know, the one who's going to (ahem) "sing" for The Pope.


The Cardinal's displeasure with The BBC can only grow with news this week that the Corporation intends to move all religious programming to the Cbeebies channel, alongside all the other fairy stories for kids.


Meanwhile back at STV, the company reported a return to profit this year. A spokesident told The JT: "We're making money by sticking to a policy of not making any actual programmes, relying instead on just re-running ancient James Bond movies  over and over again. Plus we don't actually pay Michelle any money for appearing on "The Hour", we just gie her a credit limit at Greggs."


Inside:This is true, STV's "The Hour" or the "The Wan Show" as we like to call it, ("wan" being the number of viewers), is sponsored by Barrs.
Fuckin' hell, Greggs, you're missing a trick there...

Tony Blair

on Gordon Brown: ""Political calculation, yes. Political feelings, no. Analytical intelligence, absolutely. Emotional intelligence, zero."