to Gordie than we'd anticipated.
As Lord Snooty and his pals move the crates of Pimms into Whitehall and kick back with a relaxing read of "Grinding the faces of the poor into the dust for Dummies", we spin up the Tardis and return to 2005.
You'll remember dear reader that in those happy, far-off times, Gordon was slightly narked at Tony for not fucking off like he'd promised. But be fair, in 2005 Tony had yet to finalise he details of his post-Westminster never-ending world tour stuffing his pockets with money. The bastard.
When Gordie made this speech, social-democrats could still pretend that Adam Smith was a friend to the poor and markets would solve all the world's problems and we all know how well that idea stood up to reality...
This is from October, 2005.
" New post for Gordie! (No, not that one…)
Gordon Brown was appointed Chancellor of the newly established Adam Smith College in Fife this week. I thought only Yoonies had Chancellors but never mind, we’re talking Fife here - they do things differently there.
Anyway, The JT has secured a copy of the speech oor Gordie will make to graduating students, written in the week when he discovered that Tony "I don’t see dead people" Blair announced to the Labour Party Conference his intention to continue as party leader for ever and ever.
"Graduates, family, friends and members of staff, it gives me great pleasure to officiate at the first graduation ceremony here at Adam Smith College. When I was first offered the prestigious honour of becoming your first Chancellor I was minded to regretfully decline.
However, it now appears that, due to unforeseen circumstances, I will have a bit of free time on my hands for the foreseeable future so I was happy to take the opportunity to spend more time at home, in Fife, watching Raith Rovers getting gubbed every week and availing myself of opportunities, like this one, to make heavily coded attacks on, er, someone.
As Adam Smith himself no doubt said at some point, trust is fundamental to social cohesion.
Without trust, society is impossible. And, at a personal level, when someone says, for example, "Honestly I’ll be out of here in a matter of months", the rational man takes that statement at face value and proceeds accordingly.
Unfortunately, Adam Smith does not tell us what we should do when you find out that a certain someone is a lying bastard, but no doubt he just never got ‘round to it.
Elsewhere in his work, Smith delineated the workings of "the hidden hand of the market", explaining how our individual pursuits of self-interest combine to produce a functional, anonymous system for exchanging goods and services thereby producing beneficial outcomes for society as a whole. Services like buses for example. Buses that might, one day, knock down someone while he’s crossing the road, blethering to that googly-eyed, half-daft wife of his.
Finally, as this year’s graduates go forth to make their way in the world, I can offer only one word of advice: don’t take at face value anything a plausible but dim ex-public school boy says to you.
Public school boys, believe me, they’ll fuck you over every time."
Inside: "Actually, Tony, to get a really good view of Edinburgh from the castle ramparts you need to stand really close to the edge. Here, let me help you up…"