Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Swinney: "Listen to the people, Diageo!" Diageo: "Sorry, what?"

John Swinney, in a doubtless well-meant cri de coeur, called on dizzyade giant Diageo to "listen to the people" and reverse the decision to close Scottish factories.

A spokesoptic for Diageo told The JT: "What the finance secretary doesn't seem to realise is that company management have been listening to the people - the fund managers who own the shares, they're people too."

It is unlikely that patriotic appeals to the company will be successful: "Wrapping yourself up in the saltire and blubbing about prospective job losses? The whisky industry's been brilliant at that for years. First sign of a tax-rise or alcohol control and the industry transforms itself into the fucking cast of Braveheart."

As John Swinney struggles to find a heart to pull the strings of, Scottish Enterprise has sprung into action - hiring consultants to come up with an alternative plan to save jobs.

A SE source told The JT: "In return for quite trifling sums of 1000s of your Earth pounds, the consultants will provide SE with a comprehensive business case to present to Diageo. At SE we call an externally produced business plan an alibi."

Inside: I see that Brain of Britain, local MP Des Browne, has argued that "provenance" is a key benefit in marketing Johnnie Walker. Des, Diageo's Kilmarnock factory is a bottling plant, not a vineyard...

"You make take our freedom but not our favourable treatment on Corporation Tax!"

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