Big cat, small cat

"Big cat" spotted near Helensburgh

"Small cat" spotted somewhere else

"Plant plan perfect" plead Perth prisoners, persuasively...

Plant 'could boost jail escapes'

Building a large incinerator next to Perth Prison could lead to an increase in inmates escaping, according to the jail's governor.

Kate Donegan said the planned waste-to-energy plant in Shore Road could come as close as 40 metres to the jail.

She said the lorry ramp would be even closer and would provide an excellent vantage point for planning a break-out.

Ms Donegan also expressed concern at other developments planned close to the jail, including a factory making wooden exercise horses, a college of tunnelling and a branch of "False Travel Documents 'R' Us."

Photogags

Australian Consulate opens Edinburgh extension

New "completely mental" strain of Spaniel spotted

Band faced with age-old "either someone's defying the smoking ban or the fuckin' tent's on fire!" conundrum

Contents of Barry Ferguson's Ibrox locker auctioned for charity.

Operation to even up Jake's quota of peg alegalega legs adjudged a complete success

Here kitty kitty...

After a horse has been attacked by a "puma- like" cat in Ayrshire, the local plod has issued advice that if seen, the puma should not be approached.

That's good advice, given that pumas are about seven foot long, weigh 13 stone and are unlikely to answer to the name "Tiddles".

All of which does give me the excuse to recycle the following from the letters page of the mighty "Viz". To wit:

"I saw an advert on the telly last night telling me that, for £3, I could adopt a polar bear. Now I can understand how you might want to adopt a fluffy kitten or a cuddly puppy, but a polar bear? Are they fucking mad?"

Sunday sailings to Lewis - the ferry latest news

The BBC report that religious protest demonstrations objecting to to the Sunday sailings between the mainland and Lewis have been low key.

Too obvious even for me I'm afraid

Engine issue on Sunday-sail ferry

Engine problems have hit the ferry to be used on the first Sunday sailing from the mainland to Lewis in the Western Isles.

The MV Isle of Lewis runs the route from Ullapool to Stornoway.

It was reported to have limped into Stornoway harbour and engineers were working on resolving the problem.

Operator Caledonian MacBrayne was expected to make a decision on the vessel and any alternative arrangements for the route later.

The problem comes on one of the busiest days of the week for the service.

Also, music fans have been heading for the islands for the Hebridean Celtic Festival.

Just here would be the obvious place to insert a gag, giving a character the made up name of some God-bothering anti-Sunday-ferry activist on the island and have him declaim, in public, that the engine trouble is the work of God, but honestly, its too obvious even for me.

Mind you, some God botherer is probably muttering something along those lines sotto voce, but doesn't want to get caught out when the ferry engine gets fixed.

But, thunderbolts! Plagues of locust! The waitress in the ferry bar turning to a piller of salt!

Now, those are signs of God's wrath that the anti-ferry group could work with!

Inside: Breaking news...I was wrong.Apparently there are God-botherers that dumb:http://news.scotsman.com/scotland/Breakdown-of-Sabbath-ferry-is.5471947.jp

Swinney: "Listen to the people, Diageo!" Diageo: "Sorry, what?"

John Swinney, in a doubtless well-meant cri de coeur, called on dizzyade giant Diageo to "listen to the people" and reverse the decision to close Scottish factories.

A spokesoptic for Diageo told The JT: "What the finance secretary doesn't seem to realise is that company management have been listening to the people - the fund managers who own the shares, they're people too."

It is unlikely that patriotic appeals to the company will be successful: "Wrapping yourself up in the saltire and blubbing about prospective job losses? The whisky industry's been brilliant at that for years. First sign of a tax-rise or alcohol control and the industry transforms itself into the fucking cast of Braveheart."

As John Swinney struggles to find a heart to pull the strings of, Scottish Enterprise has sprung into action - hiring consultants to come up with an alternative plan to save jobs.

A SE source told The JT: "In return for quite trifling sums of 1000s of your Earth pounds, the consultants will provide SE with a comprehensive business case to present to Diageo. At SE we call an externally produced business plan an alibi."

Inside: I see that Brain of Britain, local MP Des Browne, has argued that "provenance" is a key benefit in marketing Johnnie Walker. Des, Diageo's Kilmarnock factory is a bottling plant, not a vineyard...

"You make take our freedom but not our favourable treatment on Corporation Tax!"

For God's sake, keep him away from writing implements!

The BBC this week suspended weegie Sikh, Hardeep Singh Kohli, for "inappropriate" behaviour towards a researcher on the network's ratings hit The One Show.

Mr Kohli, a Glaswegian property (ahem) "developer" is being urged to use his six month imposed sabbatical from the BBC to "reflect on his behaviour".

Speaking for the comedy-liking community, the editor of The JT told himself: "I hope and pray that Mr Kohli uses the time wisely and under no circumstances should he use this career hiatus to work up script ideas."

Readers with a long memory will shudder to recall the last time Mr Kohli put pen to paper, a process resulting in the pile of shite that was "Meet The Magoons".A terminally unfunny sitcom that scraped by with one series on C4. It is understood that the series was commissioned by Kohli's pal and professional Perthie, Stuart Cosgrove. For some reason, despite this crime against humanity, Mr Cosgrove still works for C4, which just goes to show there is no God.

Having ticked the racism box by previously binning Carol "Golliwog" Thatcher, the BBC have now ticked the (ahem) "inappropriate" behaviour box by binning Kohli. It is not clear if the corporation will now go for the treble by banning Gyles Brandreth, thus ticking the "irritating twat" box.

NB: The BBC's One Show, should not to be confused with STV's similar magazine style programme The Wan Show, this latter title refers of course to the average size of the viewing public for STV's teatime flagship.

NB again:The term "flagship" in this instance is of course being used in an ironic sense.

Inside: If you can bear it, MTM was reviewed back in 2004 in The big JT.

Search under "Meet The Magoons"or "a great big steaming pile of shite." www.thejaggythistle.co.uk

An astonishing tribute to man's ingenuity/inhumanity

Who would've thought that it would be possible to fashion something that sounds as completely non-melodious as this below.

I particularly like the reference to the bog paper being "medicated."

I don't think that's the only thing needing medicated Bobbie boy.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/8141951.stm

"Bring out your possibly infected... and stick them on the train!"

Train for virus cruise passengers

A 700-seater train has been chartered to take hundreds of passengers from a cruise ship at the centre of a vomiting bug outbreak.

The Marco Polo has been berthed in the Cromarty Firth since Monday.

Train Chartering said it had arranged for the transport to take passengers from Inverness on Thursday to York, Peterborough and London.

Health authorities are advising other passengers at the stations on the route to hold their breath and pray...

The final nail in civilisation's coffin?

Budgie burglar bags 14 in Brechin

A total of 14 high value budgies have been stolen from a house in Brechin.

Tayside Police said some of the birds were worth a lot of money and they appealed for witnesses to the crime.

The theft occurred at an address in Montrose Street between 2100 BST on Friday 3 July and 0730 BST on Saturday 4 July.

Detectives believe that the thief has experience of keeping budgies and knew which of the birds was most valuable when stealing them.

A spokesyokel told The JT: "Just last week someone stole a box of bridies from outside the bakery. Where will it all end?"

Oh bollocks...

"Men who drink four pints of beer a week could be increasing the risk of needing hospital treatment during their lifetime, a study has suggested. Researchers studied 5,772 Scottish men for up to 35 years.” BBC News, 2nd July, 2008

But what does the notional Scot in the figurative street think? We pretended to find out.

"Four pints a week? That can't be right. They probably mean four pints an hour."

"Beer's the problem is it? I'll stick to super lager then."

"Thank God I'm too pissed to take this all in."

"Naw, it’s forty pints a week, mate. It’s got to be forty."

And finally, we spoke to Finance Secretary John Swinney, desperately trying to keep the alcohol processing unit in Kilmarnock open...

"900 jobs at Diageo to go. Long-term consequences of alcohol use and its impact on public spending. Oh fuck, the contradictions are doing my head in. Have you got a drink on you?"