Swine flu in Lanarkshire - we ask, is there a downside?

With swine flu already affecting the UK, hard-pressed emergency services in Airdrie this week reported rioting in the streets, widespread law breaking and Monklands A&E full to breaking point! 

We contacted Monklands Hospital to ask how the outbreak of swine flu was otherwise affecting the area only to be told : "Swine flu? Never heard of it. Weekends are always like this in Airdrie."

Indeed, hard-pressed medics at the hospital, in an unusual move, welcomed the imposition of emergency public health measures if swine flu spreads. One spokesanalprobe told The JT: "I like that quarantine idea. If we could keep all the local bammers aff the streets while the pubs are open it would certainly make my Friday night shift in A&E quieter."

And local bammers contacted by The JT also gave a big thumbs up to other swine flu measures: "See they blue masks the polis are  handing oot tae they Mexican punters? There's a ready made disguise for going on the thieve in Boots. Quality man, quality."

Inside: Of course after a night oan the Buckie in Airdrie, the resulting hangover is colloquially known as "wine flu". Or it should be, if it's not.