OAP robs bank, "I'll be back" he tells stunned staff

Police were forced to admit last night that they were powerless to arrest Fred Goodwin, a pensioner, despite the fact that he had just robbed under-pressure Royal Bank of Scotland of £650,000. A police spokestruncheon told The JT :"Apparently, it's all perfectly legal. And according to the law, Mr Goodwin will be able to steal this money every year for the foreseeable future."

Staff at the bank, many of whom might face redundancy in the near future, are exploring the option of just stealing money from their employers. A bank clerk told The JT : "If it's OK for the Chief Executive to help himself to the bank's money, then presumably it's OK for me to help myself."

Unfortunately not, apparently, as Malcolm Matrix of The JT's legal department now explains: "Any less exalted employee of the Royal Bank trying a similar scam would immediately run into the major hurdle which is the organising principle of the legal system: One law for the rich, another law for the not-rich. Or in this case, one law for Fred Goodwin, another law for the Not Fred Goodwins."

Inside: Truly, a bank robbery that was an inside job.