MRSA action - threat of giant killer robots better than rubbishy Csars, new report will probably find

"Holyrood's five opposition parties have united to launch an action plan to tackle hospital-acquired infections...

The opposition party action plan, which has the support of Vale of Leven families, has gone beyond current government action by suggesting a new hospital infection Czar be appointed to police hospitals." From The BBC, 13th February 2008

Opposition politicians are proceeding with their plan to introduce an infection Csar in hospitals, despite growing evidence that the metaphor is completely played out. Professor Beaker of Dundee's Department Of Nothing Better To Do told The JT : "The image of a Russian despot, clad in fur and wielding a knout might have inspired fear among a repressed peasantry, but it means hee and indeed haw these days."

It is thought that such is the elapsed time between the downfall of the Romanovs in Russia and the present day that most people lack the frame of reference to engender the crapping of pants.

Warming to his theme, Professor Beaker continues : "What would be really cool would be if you had hospital corridors patrolled by terminator robots with just their skeletal frame. If they caught anyone not practising hand hygiene then they'd zero in on them with their really cool rangefinder thing and then go peeyow, peeyow with their gun and the clarty-pawed miscreant would fly backwards with all blood going squoosh out of them. In slow motion."

We left Professor Beaker demonstrating how the scenario would unfold using an old Action Man and a teddy bear dressed in a white coat.

While the use of killer robots from the future on NHS property may engender some opposition on health and safety grounds, there is a precedent in public life as anyone who's looked really closely at Nicola Sturgeon will attest. I mean,you can virtually hear the servos whirring when she walks, for fuck's sake!

Inside: Apparently the makers of the new Terminator movie are just going to show that recent tape of Christian Bale throwing his toys out of the pram on set. Save a fortune in CGI that will.

"Did you wash your hands? Did you? Did you really?"