"Nobody knows the trouble he's seen."

Just now in then, in the quotidian grayness of the everyday, you come across an event that forces you to question all your values, forcing a recalibration of what you previously knew to be "right". 
Such an event occurred this Sunday, dear reader on turning to The Scotland on Sunday and reading a feature on George Mathewson, a complete and utter banker and one time chairman of the Royal Bank of Scotland. 
George tells the paper, that due to the banking crisis he's been forced to work on, scrapping his retirement plans. In working on, lets be clear that that doesn't mean he's greeting the customers at B and Q. By working on, in George's case, this means (and I quote):


"Mathewson sits on several boards, including a hedge fund and will take up a new post of chairman of Perth-based Stagecoach in January." No doubt cruel toil  necessary to top up his winter fuel allowance.


Lest you start to tear up as I did, read on in the feature and you discover that George in one year, during his RBS tenure, received a cash bonus of £759,000.
And presumably equally generous bungs  in ever other  year of his tenure.


Truly, no one knows the trouble he's seen...

And as...

 the storm-lashed ferry Hjaltland battled south to Rosyth after failing to dock at Aberdeen, there was only one question on the minds of passengers.

" What time's the bar opening? "

"I cried all the way to the chip shop"

Readers of a certain age may recall the above greatest lyric from the world's best ever love song. 
Readers of a less certain age are now invited to agree with me that this is now officially the world's greatest lyric.

“Keira, Keira, eat your dinner. 

Keira,Keira, you can’t get much thinner. 

Go to a restaurant with Michael Winner.

 Keira, Keira, eat your dinner.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkTjIQLGdTo

Ah yes, that makes sense...

I know from the stats that a majority of my exalted readership are exiled in Foreign, cruelly cut off from the Mitherland, so forgive me if the next bit doesn't ring any bells.


BBC Radio Scotland, faced with declining  listener numbers are just about to launch a new daytime schedule.


I've got my own ideas on why the numbers are slipping, an argument that can be summarised in just five words: "Fred MacAulay and Tom Morton" but let's leave that for another day and consider instead the identity of the new, noon-time news show anchor.That would be BBC Scotland rugby pundit John Beattie. 
Er, OK.
Now I'm all for programmers thinking outside the box, and Radio Scotland seriously needs a massive kick up the arse because most of the output is middle-aged and white breid, but John Beattie, fronting a news show?


What's next, Chick Young presenting a series on post-existential French philosophy? I might be wrong here, but it feels like a presenter-shift too far. Like it or not, news coverage on radio (especially on radio) has to  convey a certain gravitas, I'm not sure John brings that to the yard.
Imagine:
"And reports are just coming in that World War Three is underway. In a moment, we'll be attempting to  contact those reporters across the globe not yet engulfed in a radioactive firestorm, but first, what will this all mean for the Six-Nations schedule?"


Inside: "And coming up next on BBC Radio Scotland, relationship advice from Jim Traynor."

Ginger

A storm of protest broke over the head of Labour deputy leader Harriet Harman this weekend as she described coalition minister Danny Alexander as a "ginger rodent" in a speech to the Scottish Labour conference.



She later apologised, telling The JT : "I apologise unreservedly for describing Mr Alexander as a ginger rodent. It was a slip of the tongue. I meant to describe him has an opportunistic, careerist, two-faced cunt."


It is thought unlikely that the apology will stem the criticism of Ms Harman's comments. A spokesrat for the ginger rodent community told The JT : "To be compared to that wee four-eyed git, willing to starve the poor by doing his Tory masters' bidding in return for a ministerial limo is a gross insult. We'll be writing to Ms Harman to demand a full apology, just as soon as  we develop an opposable thumb that would allow us to grasp a writing implement."


Meanwhile, the Man With No Plan, The Grayster, Scottish Labour Leader Iain Gray told the conference that he was "ready to serve the Scottish people."
The Scottish people, contacted for comment, told The JT that they'd need to get back to Mr Gray on that one, but thanked him for his kind interest.

From The BBC

According to The BBC, fewer people died last winter in Scotland than usual, despite the severe cold weather.
But the welcome  news comes as no surprise to Effie McCoffindodger of Auchenmadeupname whose photograph was used to illustrate the feature on  the BBC news website.






Effie told The JT. "That's the first time I've seen that photee, but it is me right enough. Apparently they photographed me in early January, but I was stood stock still like that 'til the middle o' February. Apparently they had to re-route the bus to get roond me. And do you know this? When I came roond and walked hame, the pan loaf in ma bag was still perfectly fresh."


Effie intends to go into suspended animation every winter from now on: "Efter Christmas, the telly's shite onywie and I'd save a fortune heating the hoose."


Inside: Remember, if you have an elderly neighbour or relative don't forget to check up on them this winter. The temperature in the suspended animation pod should not rise above -60 degrees.

"Beside us the waves"

As grounded sub HMS Astute limps  towards port and a completely fucked no-claims bonus, it is thought that the captain of the boat,  who managed to ground the vessel in comprehensively charted waters, might be in for a bit of a refresher course. 
Meanwhile,The Admiralty are looking into renaming the boat, with The Astute becoming The FuckedifIknow.

"No, not manoeuvre,mirror, signal. Its mirror, signal, manoeuvre."