Its early days yet

I know, but I feel we may have identified two very strong prospects for this year's JT awards- and luckily the possible recipients  both feature in the same story.

First up, Adam Potter, mountaineer, who rather ill-advisedly, took the fast route off the upper reaches of Sgurr Choinnich Mhor at the weekend, and bounced off  every available outcrop as he found out what falling  1000 feet very fast feels like. 

Anyone who wasn't irresistibly  reminded of that Simpsons episode when Homer falls into the gorge and, Wile E. Coyote style, hits every obstacle on the way down, can stay behind after the bell for extra cartoon watching. 

Adam is a strong contender  for The JT's Mentalist of the year award for subsequently insisting that the experience hasn't put him off climbing. 

Adam, we love you, but you're away with the budgies.

Second up on the award front is one of Adam's rescuers, whose in with a shout in the keenly fought " that's -a- bit-of-a-fucking-understatement" category.
 He's quoted on The BBC news site as saying of Adam, "he's lucky to be alive."

"D'oh!"

Oh the Ursinality! (From The Herald)

Edinburgh Zoo unable to raise sponsorship for new pandas

24 Jan 2011Russell Leadbetter

When news of their arrival was confirmed earlier this month, it was hailed as a diplomatic and scientific coup that would prove a massive money-spinner for Edinburgh Zoo.

But as plans are drawn up to accommodate giant pandas Tian Tian and Yangguang, disquiet is growing among conservation groups and questions are being asked about who is going to foot the estimated £6 million bill for their loan.

Mullan: "next film will be less cheery"

Actor/director Peter Mullan has marked the release of his latest film, the laugh a century Neds, with a vow to take his directorial work in a new, less frivolous direction. 


As a keening wind moaned, dogs howled and tumble weed, er, tumbled, he told a terminally depressed media:
"Its always been my dream to revisit the work of classic European  film directors and I can confirm that I've secured funding to re-make all of Ingmar Bergman's entire oeuvre. However, I've always found Bergman's work rather frivolous so my re-working won't have any of the life affirming humour for which Bergman is so widely remembered."


It is thought that Mr Mullan will cast himself in the role of cheerless, implacable and solemn Death in his re-working of Bergman's The Seventh Seal. "I don't know why" Mr Mullan commented, " but that role just seemed made for me."


 Unusually, the re-write calls for Death not to offer the knight a game of chess to save his life. Instead, Death offers the knight his freedom if he can sit through The Magdalene Sisters without entertaining thoughts of suicide, with predictably hilarious results.

"Aw right Death, big man? That hoodie you've goat oan is pure mental so it is..."

STV new news strategy: "apparently there are places in Scotland outside Glasgow"

In what is being seen as a major attempt to increase the station's viewer base, STV  is to trial separate bulletins for Glasgow and Edinburgh.  


The head of news at the station told The JT: "Apparently there are other places in Scotland apart from Weegiewurld so our news programming has to take that into account."

He did assure  potential viewers in Tayside and The Highlands that the decision to split the evening bulletin between Glasgow and Edinburgh would not effect  coverage in those areas: "Can I just assure Tayside and Highland viewers that coverage of local stories on STV will remain at current levels- somewhere between fuck and all."


STV, currently suffering a shortage of viewers is looking at other ways of building  audiences. A STV  source told The JT: " We worked out at that it would actually be cheaper to go door to door with our flagship shows rather than go to the expense of broadcasting them. We trialled that idea with "The Hour",  nightly featuring the lovely personalitied, salad dodging, Michelle McManus, but  when she turned out at some wumman's door in Coatbridge, she rushed through to the kitchen of the property where tea was being prepared and started dooking for chips. I'm afraid legal action is now pending."


Audience research suggests that the flagship teatime show has encouraged a lot of viewer  involvement in the show as one viewer can confirm :" When the music for The Hour starts up I can't decide between shooting myself through the head or taking an overdose of sleeping pills."

Thank God Michelle's overtime has come through!

Inside: This is true. STV's New Year season  promo featured Michelle timing the male presenter of the show while he worked on an exercise-bike. I mean, where do you start?

Oh look! How cute is that?

News this week that China intends to make a big investment in the petrochemical hell that is Grangemouth presented First Minister Alex Salmond with a tricky political problem given China's (ahem) "problematic" human rights record. 

Alex told The JT :" I dealt with the potential diplomatic difficulty using my customary brilliance. First off I told the Chinese deputy prime minister I quite understood  the state's policy of imprisoning and torturing so many dissidents. In China, you imprison and torture one dissident and an hour later you feel the need to imprison and torture another one."
In addition, not only could Mr Salmond announce that  cutesy-wootsy Panda bears  would be coming to Scotland, but also that they'd be taking over the running of the management of running the Grangemouth plant.
 It is thought that the bears' tendency to sit down and do fuck all for hours at a time while sporting black eyes means they will fit right in with the local jaikie population  who appear to constitute the majority  in the town's (ahem) "shopping" (ahem) "precinct".

Bonus Half Life reference ahoy!

It is far too easy

in a world wracked by environmental devastation, grinding poverty, ill-health and chronic murderous conflicts to forget about the really important things in life. 
Thanks goodness then for the BBC helping to restore our sense of proportion with this devastating news.

And as

public spending cuts put the proposed new Forth crossing in doubt, one frustrated commuter takes matters into his own hands (and feet). 
Thanks to Highland Pete for the gag.