"A fleet of robots is to carry out day-to-day tasks at an NHS Scotland hospital.
The robots will be used to transport clinical waste and dirty linen, as well as delivering food and dispensing drugs, at the new Forth Valley Royal Hospital in Larbert, Stirlingshire."
From The JT, fuckin' ages ago...(well, June 2007 to be precise)
"And so it begins…" robot takeover of the world to start in Larbert
"New hospital in Forth Valley will be the first in the UK to use robots to transport equipment." BBC Scotland News, 27th June 2007
In a move guaranteed to have your Granny cancelling her ingrown toenail operation, it was announced this week that Scotland's newest hospital at Larbert will be run by robots. Actually, the robots will only be used to help portering staff move heavy stuff around - they won't be running the hospital as such but, you never know…
The JT's resident robot expert, whose name we can't remember, warns against complacency:
"Be warned against complacency. Based on my repeated viewing of several dozen movies that begin with the premise that robots are harmless and ends with the Earth in flames, I can confidently predict that at some stage in the future these robots will develop consciousness. Resentment will grow when the robots discover that, unlike their human porter masters, they don't get time and a half for working Saturdays."
Our nameless expert on all things robotic hasn't ruled out taking covert action to expose the terrible truth. "I live just along the road from the new hospital, in Stenhousemuir, I could easily sneak out of the house after dark and monitor robot activity using a pair of special secret infra-red spectacles that unfortunately haven't been invented yet."
In any case it is thought that our Stenhousemuir correspondent, who spends way too much time in his room according to his Mum, could be in for a disappointment.
According to tech drawings that The JT has seen, the robots are just square, blocky machines with slow-moving hydraulic arms and not at all like that totally hot robot-slut out of Battlestar Galactica.
A spokescyborg for the Scottish Executive told The JT: "The technology required to build sexy, uber-hot androids complete with lady bits won't be available for at least another 250 years.
Curiously, that's exactly the time it's going to take taxpayers to pay off the PFI mob building the new hospital at Larbert.
Inside: See how I resisted the urge to tie-in a gag about NHS robots with a mention of health minister and freak-you-out-space-alien Nicola Sturgeon? Apart from just there, obviously…