The Calman Commission, tasked by Labour, the Lib Dems and the Tories to come up with a 101 good reasons why The Union IS A GOOD THING, presented its report this week - and the conclusions?
Er, none so far.
At a press conference where senior figures from the commissioning parties attempted and failed to look interested, Lord Calman who, on this evidence could bore on a professional basis, told the waiting world that we were in possession of what was merely the interim report!
Oh sweet God in heaven, you mean there's more?
Yes indeedy, the 140 page whopper, soon to lie unread on desks across the land, is merely the first course, an agenda setting exercise if you will. The main course, a set of conclusions about Scotland within The Union, will follow next year.
As a miasma of ennui descended, we called upon Professor Beaker, our resident polymath, to pass judgement :
"When those parties not in power at Holyrood appointed this Calman bloke to carry out this exercise, the main idea was to be seen to be saying yah boo sucks to the SNP. No one, least of all the politicians who generously funded the exercise on our behalf, using our money, seriously believed that anyone would be interested in an actual report."
And has Professor Beaker actually read the interim report? "Fuck no, life's too short."
It is thought that the SNP's alternative "National Conversation" will report, in time, overwhelming support for independence.
There's a surprise.
Inside: I'm sorry but this two part exercise in empty symbolism brings to mind that story about Mike and Bernie Winters at The Glasgow Empire. One of them bounds on stage to total, Stygian silence, followed, after a beat, by his brother. A development which led to the following comment from the audience : "Oh Christ, there's two of them."
"Page one.... zzzzz."