Its all in the genes! That's the welcome news delivered this week by boffins at The University of Dundee. In studying obesity, the City of Despondency-based egg-heads have identified a gene, FTO, that predisposes the carrier to seek out ultra-calorific food.
And this wonderful news has come just in time for Xmas, as the JT's resident fat, greedy bastard now explains:
"Over the years I have explained away my weight by using the classic 'it's my glands' argument, leading to the acidic riposte 'Aye, the greedy gland'. Alternatively, I might deploy the 'Me? I eat like a bird' defence only to have that parried away with 'Aye, a vulture'. Thankfully, now as I go back to the Xmas buffet for a fourth re-up I shall be able to artfully deploy the genetic argument, to which there is no smart-arsed come-back."
The report concludes that a genetic predisposition to obesity can actually be controlled by attention to diet, but academic opinion agrees that few Scots are likely to take that bit in, as Professor Beaker now elucidates:
"We Scots are masters at employing selective perception, thus to the news that one out of three Scots will develop a diet-related cancer at some point, our response is "One in three? Those odds are OK." Or on hearing the news that we should restrict our intake of alcohol to a maximum of three units a day we subconsciously employ the following equation: whatever quantity we actually drink= three units."
In any case, any over-indulgence on the calorific front will be cancelled out after the festive season by ritual recourse to making New Year "resolutions". Yes, that definitely works.
Inside: I'm sorry but I couldn't resist pinching this cruel, disgracefully sexist definition from Viz's Profanisaurus: "Why is a fat lass called a commodore? Because she's once, twice, three times a lady."