Monday, 3 November 2008

Lloyds-TSB offer: " A clear, strategic vision for comprehensively fucking people over"

In recommending the bank's offer for HBOS to shareholders this week, Lloyds-TSB promised "a clear and consistent commitment to maximising shareholder value through a comprehensive programme of reducing duplicated overheads".
The offer document continues , " We will achieve significant savings by rolling out a clear action plan dedicated to achieving overhead reduction through extensive fucking over of disposable staff."

It would appear that significant savings are to be found in trimming centres of retail duplication: "Where the two existing brands are in direct competition we will engage in consultation with branch staff effected to ascertain who would liked to be fucked over first."

Back office functions are likely to reduced from the current two centres to a more cost-effective one. "It has not yet been determined which of the two existing centres will be wound down. The decision will rest after consultations with politicians to ascertain whose offering the biggest bribe to avoid local staff fucked- overness."

In recommending the offer to shareholders, the Lloyds-TSB board paid tribute to the taxpayer for bailing out the bank :"By allowing taxpayers monet to be used to support a private institution, the government has shown sober wisdom in allowing itself to be fucked over. We would hope that Lloyds-TSB and HBOS staff will follow this sterling example of acceptance of being comprehensively fucked over."

Inside: Bank boards to avoid being fucked over. Funny that.

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