From The Shitsman?

Possibly the least advisable facial  expression in the history of the known universe- especially when captioning software is so readily available..

So David, if you could just

confirm just how complete a massive dick you are that would be great...

Thanks for that David, you are clearly quite the complete massive  dick...

C'mon everybuddy, sing alang! (Fae The Scotsman, naw?)

LABOUR’S candidate for the east end of Glasgow has called for a law which criminalised sectarian chanting to be repealed.

Margaret Curran, whose constituency includes Celtic Park, said the Offensive Behaviour at Football Act has done nothing to reduce intolerance and bigotry.

They went with this...

although this is probably nearer the truth...

"Opportunity important for those facing imminent job loss" says Willie Rennie

Lib-Dem supremo in Scotland ,Willie Rennie, launched his party's Scottish manifesto today, promising a "Scotland of opportunity". 

He told The JT :" I'm looking to build a Scotland where individual entrepreneurship will create the jobs people, especially those facing job loss in the near future can access to get back into work as soon as possible."

It is thought that a Mr N Clegg, of Sheffield and Westminste, is already enquiring as to the availability of cheap one way fares to Scotland after May 7th...

From The Scotsperson:outright winner,the "No Shit Sherlock" trophy

The only yooni where students stand on street corners trying to flog copies of "Capitalist Worker".Probably...

Its the speech bubble that (almost) writes itself!

"Your right leg I like..." (From the Skintman)

CELTIC manager Ronny Deila has admitted he would rather tie Stefan Johansen up on a longer-term contract rather than risk losing the influential midfielder.

He told The JT:" The one sticking point, is his left leg. If we can't get it to straighten out then obviously that has implications for him on the field of play." 

Mr Johansen said that he'd just woken up one morning with his left leg like that but the problem means he just has to work on his hopping skills.

It is thought

that the towering intellects who wrote anti-islamic slogans on the walls of a Sikh  temple have struck again...

Peter Alliss, golf pundit and the greatest mind of the century-

the eighteenth century.
(From The Skintman on Skintday)

VETERAN BBC commentator Peter Alliss has said that the corporation should have tried harder to win the rights to the Open Championship and that attempts to give women equal rights in golf have “caused mayhem”.

Recent legislation has given women more rights in golf clubs, while St Andrews and Royal St George’s have both voted to admit female members for the first time.

But Alliss told the Radio Times magazine that equality for women had “b******* up the game for a lot of people”.Mr Alliss later told The JT that the abolition of slavery had "fuck*d u*" the economics of plantation production leading to  great inconvenience for the  slave owning class. Mr Alliss also pointed out that banning childen from being pushed into chimneys had resulted in uncontrolled chimney fires and an increase in general griminess. Mr Alliss agreed that his comments made him lok like a reactionary old t*ssp*t and right c*nt.

Yes, well, a bit of a requirement wedding-wise...(From The BBC)

Stop sniggering at the back...

Well thanks goodness for that...

Alex Salmond confirming that voters in the referendum, were not in any way, misled...

The cameron never lies

Thanks to Highland Pete for pointing out to this warm, relaxed portrait of Sam Cameron being presented with the mystery that is a Scottish morning roll. 
Its the look that says "Wait a minute, I'm not actually expected to put this in my mouth am I?Because Dave will tell you there's certain things I completely draw the oral line at."

Will he make bail?

It is thought that The Naked Rambler intends to sue over breach of loonywright ...

In a move echoing

the banning of any in-store advertising of tobacco products, The Scotsman generates a story headline that makes no reference to the story featured.... about fags.

Fowl language?

A “CURSING kamikaze” grouse is fast turning into a legend in a picturesque Highland glen, where it has been divebombing cars, confronting visitors and escorting them off its territory in displays never before seen in the wild game birds.

The bolshy red grouse, named Jock by local gamekeepers, has been flying at passing vehicles and blocking their way on a single-track road near Dunkeld.

Totally an excuse to reprise great train gag from Big Train...

Blimey! These new trains are a bit wee aren't they?