This just in, almost from The Skintperson...

Officially, Gordon is looking forward to the challenge of facing Germany in The Euros...

unofficially however...(Thanks to Highland Pete for the gag)

Fuckin' hell, that's fuckin' bad patter like, is it no? (From The BBC like, ken? Fuck.)

Swearing causes TV football 

delay

Ross County won an ill-tempered match 2-1

A television channel delayed transmission of a Scottish Premiership football match until after the watershed because of the amount of swearing that could be heard from fans.

Spotted by your editor

at the site where the Battle of Bannockburn might or might have not taken place, if it ever actually happened in the first place... Have any big stanes you want liftin'? Then why not hire...                                                
     

Of course, if you want anything pitting back down, then that's a separate division entirely...

Hours of endless fun awaits

courtesy of Thunder Bay Pete who sent me this link to a accent translator/guide to pronunciation that does a pretty good job handling this,oor native tongue. 
After you've tried the easy wans like Edinburgh, I would highly recommend moving on to the more challenging iterations, like Get you tae fuck ye basturrd and Aye, so ah willnae etc

I recall the cosmopolitan intellectual that is and wis Barry Ferguson (courtesy of Only an Excuse) succinctly encapsulating the existential dilemma of ontology with his epoch-shattering
 " Ah uhm whit ah uhm and Ahm urnae what ahm urnae."
 How very true, that exercise in patois might just break the software on this gadget much like according to the IT Crowd, searching for Google breaks the internet.
Incidentally, there's a bit of a head scratcher further down the product page which announces that the Scottish software is available free to Scottish school kids. Er right, and why would Scottish school kids needs help in pronouncing things they way they speak already?
I can only think its aimed at providing an linguistic escape route should a mini-bus from Fettes ever break down in say, Pilton.
 Your average Fettes pupil might be thankful for the camouflage provided in pretending to talk local. Any rough edges can of course be sanded off the accent on going up to Cambridge.
Anyway, enjoy: https://www.cereproc.com/en/products/windows_sapi

Its true! From today's Scotsperson

You know how the Tories are oft described critically as "swivel-eyed loons"? Well , that's because its fuckin' true. Check this out.

Non standard deviation (From the BBC with a 5% margin of error)

People in Scotland are less likely to want to reduce immigration than those in England and Wales, a new study says.

The Oxford University Migration Observatory said it was the first major survey to ask people in Scotland about immigration to Scotland.

Scott Blinder, from the observatory, said Scottish attitudes to migration were different from the rest of Britain but "not massively" so.

He said the majority of Scots would still like to see immigration reduced.

The survey, conducted by polling organisation YouGov, said 58% of people in Scotland wanted to see immigration reduced a little or a lot.

The figure for England and Wales was 75%.

The pollsters were surprised to find that the respondent group used in Scotland varied in one respect qualitatively from comparator groups used in English and Wales.

 To the question, "Are you personally biased against immigration to Scotland?", 100% of the Scottish sample responded:"Just no Tims."

It is thought that YouGov pollsters, in selecting in survey site, didn't know that Larkhall is a very special place...

David Cameron- what he really means: "Please stay with us Scotland, or fuck off, totally your call."

Mr Cameron, keeping his face straight, earlier

In a bravura speech today, defending the continuance of The UK, David Cameron remained in character throughout. 
Already, drama critics are trying to find out if The Oscars could include a new category:"Best performance of a politician saying the exact opposite of what he means."

" Its quite astonishing", gushed The JT's drama critic, Luvvie Mc Darling*,"here's a politician who knows full  well that Scottish separation would guarantee Tory hegemony in the rump of the UK for ever more, but he still manages to look sad about the prospect.Marvellous, darling, marvellous."
Mr Cameron managed to look dead sincere and sad throughout, never needing to squeeze onion juice into his eyes once.

Inside:* Yup, I know, sorry Viz.

From The BBC, by fast horse from Dunbar...

An event to mark the 700th anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn is to be cut by a day, organisers have said.

"Bannockburn Live" was to have been a three-day event over the last weekend of June.

But VisitScotland has said it will now take place on Saturday 28 and Sunday 29 June, with the hours extended by two hours until 7pm. 

The move reflects modern thinking that, had the battle taking place today  it would've shorter by a day what with digital miniaturization and what have you.

 Professor Beaker of Stirling's Centre For Climbing on The Battle Of Fuckin' Bannockburn Bandwagon told The JT:" In the past , when the world was analog, armed conflicts took fuckin' ages, what with having to physically twat some enemy with an axe and so forth.A further complication at the time was due to the absence of HD, the world was in black and white, thus making it dead hard to identify colours on banners , flags, shields and shit.

If The Battle of Bannockburn had been fought using contemporary digital technology then the whole thing would've taken two days tops and Bruce would've been finished dead early."

It is not known how this would have actually been achieved because certain people can't be bothered to think the gag all that way through...