Independence is crucial, John Swinney told The JT, if Scotland is to lead the world in fuck- off ginormous bridges.
His insight came from accidently watching The Bridge , the hit Scandinavian-set crime series. Swinney said :
" I was flicking through the channels looking for the one that appears to replay Alex's speeches 24 hours a day, but I stopped on a channel where two people were talking funny, I think they might have been Fifers. There were some words on the bottom of the picture but I didn't have my glasses on. Anyway, suddenly there were more words, some bloke singing something and footage of a fuckin' great big bridge, I mean it was like fuckin' hugh like."
It is thought that Mr Swinney is referring to The Oresund Bridge, a five-mile long link between Sweden and Denmark that features prominently in the TV show.
Mr Swinney immediately took action:"I phoned the head of Transport Scotland, he sounded a bit tired because it took me 'til three in the morning to find my glasses but he did confirm that The Oresund is indeed a much bigger fucker than anything we've got." In particular, Mr Swinney is disappointed to learn that the new Forth Crossing is just over a mile and a half long and cannot be "stretched a bit."
Previously, Mr Swinney was a great fan and supporter of the new crossing but observers now report that Mr Swinney is given to violently scribbling over the drawings for the project while muttering, "Look at it, its too wee, its pish."
It is thought that should Scots embrace independence that Mr Swinney will immediately call for the construction of a new bridge, the location and function is not to be thought a major concern as Mr Swinney said:" I don't care where the fucker is or what it does, it just has to be longer than five miles."
Inside:This, as far as I know is true. A Swedish person told me that her mother visiting the romantic hamlet that is Oakley in Fife, had no trouble making herself understood or indeed understanding the local patois. This, despite the lady not speaking English. I'll leave you to fill in the punch line...