£161m for a carpet!

East Ayrshire Council accused of 'failings' over mining clear-up costs

The clean-up bill for opencast mine sites in East Ayrshire is about £161m

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East Ayrshire Council is discussing a damning report on its handling of local mining projects amid a £132m shortfall to restore former opencast sites.Sources close to the council told The JT that the problems stemmed from a delay in the delivery of a giant carpet under which all the shit was to be swept.

From The BBC- it must be CGI

Its amazing what they can do with CGI isn't it? From The BBC, a photo of Union Street on what clearly is some kind of flag day and it appears as if the toon's heaving. Amazing what technology can do.When Cilla Black was trying to break into the Scottish market, her producers turned one of her hits into a more Doric friendly lyric:"Whit's it furry boots Alfie?"

Inside: Carbon dated Aberdeen gag. An Aberdeen man is in the back of a taxi which unfortunately veers off the road and then starts falling of a cliff. "What will we do?" wails the terrified taxi driver, to which our careful gentleman replies "well ye can turn the meter aff for starters." 

While watching

the BBC's broadcast from The Cairngorms in search of innocent diversion, I was shocked, shocked, upset and distressed to hear Winterwatch's Michaela Strachan make an very off colour comment on air. I was so shocked and distressed that I had to go to i-player and play the clip again with the subs on.

I've a good mind to put my foot through the universe and send the BBC the  bill.
Intriguingly, her co-presenter's remark:"We promise you black cock on the internet" went untitled, but you can run the show on i-player and play it at about 5 minutes in so you can be as disgusted as I was.
What a blind person just listening in would've made of this filth doesn't bear thinking about...
Our thoughts are with any distressed blind people at this difficult time and our hearts go out to them.

Oh, I see! (From The BBC, partially)

Rangers manager Ally McCoist has defended the club's decision to book his squad into a four-star hotel before their win at Forfar.

The players stayed at the Carnoustie Hotel before Monday's League One game at Station Park.

"I can understand people questioning it," said the Rangers boss, whose club reported losses of £14.4m for the 13 months to July.

"But it's my job to give our players the best opportunity to perform."

 It is understood that Mr McCoist sanctioned the hotel stay since economies made elsewhere in the club's operating budget mean that player journey times to away games are significantly longer than previously:

Insert own "We are the people-carrier" gag here

Spin this Alex... (From The BBC)

Scottish independence: Vladimir Putin says referendum 'a domestic issue'

The president of Russia has said the Scottish independence debate is a domestic matter for the United Kingdom and not one for his country.Continue reading the main story

Scotland's Future

• Hague and Alexander in EU warning
• Scrutiny begins of post yes EU plans
• Focus on Scotland's global position
• Scottish debt pledge made

In an interview with the BBC's Andrew Marr Show, Vladimir Putin said everyone had a right to self-determination.

But he said being part of a single, strong state had "some advantages".Mr Putin refused to be drawn on his views of Scottish independence remarking only:"As long as gay people can be persecuted by the state, then I'm cool with it."

Dah dah dah, dah daaah dah!

Sir Stephen House, head Police Scotland has reacted vigorously to retired judge Lord McCluskey's remarks that "policemen were not saints", thus continuing the need for corroboration in criminal cases.

 Sir Stephen previously working for the London Met force said:" This Lord whatisname is a fackin' muppet." Elaborating, Sir Stephen invited Lord McCluskey  to:" fackin' do one, you fackin' caant."

Following this intervention , Sir Stephen drove off at high speed in  a Ford Granada before knocking over some cardboard boxes  on wasteland near an abandoned warehouse and performing a series of spectacular handbrake turns.

Sir Stephen's measured response to "the faacking briefs sticking their faacking oar into
The Firm's faacking business."

From The Hardup: wait for it, wait for it...

Scottish police search half a million people in eight months

POLICE have searched more than half a million people in Scotland in just eight months, according to new figures.This marks a significant change in police tactics from the previous period when officers searched the same guy half a million times.

I'll tell you what...

that Delia Smith's changed a bit has she no? (Thanks to Thunder Bay Pete) 

From BBC Scotland (nearly)...

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"With independence your children's laughter will ring out without end."

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'Independence needed for childcare plan'

4 hours ago

New figures have been released by the Scottish government which aim to demonstrate why independence is necessary to achieve a transformational shift in childcare.

Professor Beaker of Aberdeen's Centre For The Study Of Bairns told The JT: "What the SNP are suggesting here is that without independence the future for children is bleak. Hold on tight to your little ones, because if Scotland votes No, a great darkness will come upon the land, and your children will be as dust, blown away by the wind of death."

"Without independence, the Tories will bring in King Herod to run childcare."

From The Hardup: Nobody knows the trouble she's seen.

Its always the little people who suffer isn't it?

Tycoon Ann Gloag told: you can't build new houses on greeen belt near your castle

John Swinney lengthens referendum stakes

Independence is crucial, John Swinney told The JT, if Scotland is to lead the world in fuck- off ginormous bridges. 
His insight came from accidently watching The Bridge , the hit Scandinavian-set crime series. Swinney said :
" I was flicking through the channels looking for the one that appears to replay Alex's speeches 24 hours a day, but I stopped on a channel where two people were talking funny, I think they might have been Fifers. There were some words on the bottom of the picture but I didn't have my glasses on. Anyway, suddenly there were more words, some bloke singing something and footage of a fuckin' great big bridge, I mean it was like fuckin' hugh like."

It is thought that Mr Swinney is referring to The Oresund Bridge, a five-mile long link between Sweden and Denmark that features prominently in the TV show.

 Mr Swinney immediately took action:"I phoned the head of Transport Scotland, he sounded a bit tired because it took me 'til three in the morning to find my glasses but he did confirm that The Oresund is indeed a much bigger fucker than anything we've got." In particular, Mr Swinney is disappointed to learn that the new Forth Crossing is just over a mile and a half long and cannot be "stretched a bit." 

Previously, Mr Swinney was a great fan and supporter of the new crossing but observers now report that Mr Swinney is given to violently scribbling over the drawings for the project while muttering, "Look at it, its too wee, its pish."













 It is thought that should Scots embrace independence that Mr Swinney will immediately call for the construction of a new bridge, the location and function is not to be thought a major concern as Mr Swinney said:" I don't care where the fucker is or what it does, it just has to be longer than five miles." 

Inside:This, as far as I know is true. A Swedish person told me that her mother visiting the romantic hamlet that is Oakley in Fife, had no trouble making herself understood or indeed understanding the local patois. This, despite the lady not speaking English. I'll leave you to fill in the punch line...