So then Malc, what do you say to a big fat consultancy fee for work you could carry out because, according to you, you don't do fuck all anyway?

FROM THE P AND J: From times long ago, presumably...

North east university bans Hollywood-style training masks

Spot the mentalists!

A north-east university has banned lecturers from using Hollywood-style masks to train nurses to treat mental health patients.

The move follows an angry backlash from patients and support groups over the use of the silicone disguises in role-playing exercises.

Tutors at Robert Gordon University (RGU) wore them as they acted out the parts of characters with complex illnesses, such as dementia and alcohol addiction.

Students and staff had hailed the highly detailed masks as an effective learning tool.

A spokesnurse told the current century: "Apparently, people who are mental don't necessarily look mental. Who knew?"

It is thought that the university is also reviewing its understanding of basic medicine- apparently

that four humours thing is a bit simplistic...

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon and Scottish Labour leader Jim Murphy have attended a Mass to celebrate 50 years of the Scottish Catholic International Aid Fund.

KIM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THE WEDDING (From The BBC sort of)

Rangers boss says he would have preferred life-size players

Boss of the day, Kenny McDowall, at Ibrox expressed gratitude at the three loan signings from Newcastle but expressed the wish that the players concerned had been life-size. 

He told The JT: "While any help is appreciated given the weakness in our squad I would, to be honest, have preferred signings that weren't the size of Subbuteo figures. Quite apart from that there's the whole question of mobility, I mean how are they meant to provide park cover on this stand thing. Do they need a giant finger  to flick them about or what?"

Given the limitations imposed, Kenny intends to play the three as shown below. "Perhaps we could stick them on the goal line and get in the way of attempts at goal. Fuck knows really. I wish it was time for me to leave, I really do."

Jim: dresses to the right, one understands...