The Jaggy Thistle, (recyled) review of the year

It was Barbara Dixon who once started off promisingly reciting the months of the year before getting stuck on February, but here at JT Mansions we're made of sterner stuff as prove this 12 part excuse to recycle material of doubtful provenance will...

January
Mark McGhee, football coach impersonator, issued a not especially convincing plea to be judged anew on taking the No2 spot at the job-creation project known as the "Scotland set-up."

February
Philip Tartaglia, brought off the Cardinal's bench as a sub for man-liker Cardinal O'Brien,made it clear that there would be no homosexual activity on his watch...

March

In not at all unexpected news, New  Cumnock won the most depressing place in Scotland award, strangely missing out on the "post-apocalypse, everywhere will look like this award"...

April
The death of Margaret Thatcher divided UK opinion between those who thought she was alright and those who know she was an a-one, complete, Jeremy Hunt. But we did speculate what the scene might look like if she'd come back to life...

May
Famous for liking the odd pint or six and supposedly revelling in the rough and tumble of street politics, Nigel Farage came to Edinburgh and immediately revised his opinion about the second bit...

June
David Cameron, keen to brandish his progressive, socially -liberal credentials, you know, the ones that apparently excuse the rest of his viciously reactionary agenda, gets down with the gays...

July
Look everyone! Mumford and Sons played T in The Park!
 (Apologies again to Charlie Brooker for just stealing his gag).

August
If the Yes campaign wins in 2014, one rather imagines it will be in spite of the leadership...

September
Jack Vettriano, who continues to infuriate the arts world by making money and not being dead, issued a warning ahead of an exhibition of his work...(via The Skintman).

October
You know that last Scottish Secretary? The one that no one knew who he was? Well, it happened again...

November
Alex and Nicola prepare to diversify their product portfolio...

"Don't forget your cigarette lighters and sports socks, two pairs the pound..."

December
No there isn't a December, because forgive me but I'm going to indulge myself even more than usual by breaching a self-imposed rule never to talk about stuff without a Scottish angle. But since everyone has already talked about it, can I point you to our little fan boy tribute to Breaking Bad? 
The video is designed around the conceit that Bryan Cranston is a massive fan of Steely Dan, that SD's Kid Charlemagne is about Owsley Stanley, an 1960s acid cook AND Bryan's character "Hal" in Malcolm in The Middle claimed that he'd used the Charlemagne handle while working as a pirate DJ.
 If history ultimately makes fools of us all, this is one instance, probably never to be repeated, when we could be said to be ahead of the curve. 
Everyone now is quite rightly hailing BB as a masterpiece, we thought so as well when we produced this tribute, in May 2010.
 Please indulge us and with any luck the YT views will breach the 3000 mark, especially if you point fellow Breakers (?) in the right direction. Anyway, a good new year to everyone, see you on the other side..

And as mortality rates

at three of Lanarkshire's hospitals give cause for concern, hospital management deepen their proactive health strategy...
From this....
                                                 
                                                                                   











To this...

WTF can go wrong with this methodology?

From the BBC...

A study aimed at cutting binge drinking by Scottish men will use text messaging in an attempt to change behaviour.

Researchers at the University of Dundee are set to recruit 700 men aged between 25 and 44 for the study.

They hope to target those who have settled into a pattern of binge drinking, consuming more than eight units of alcohol per drinking session.

Participants will receive regular texts for three months, followed by a phone interview to check their behaviour.

It is not thought, but it is highly likely, that recipients of the text will struggle even to get the phone out of their pockets while gently swaying back and forward,  then squint at the message with one eye shut to cut down the double vision, mutter "Ah cannae read this, ahm too gassed", put the phone away and continue working through their eight units which everyone knows is eight of whatever you happen to be drinking.

Yes, probably best to err on the side of caution

when stuff starts to fall off your stuff... (From The BBC)

Edinburgh's Christmas: Star Flyer stays closed for checks

A 200ft (60m) carnival ride in Edinburgh is to remain closed until Sunday after a large piece of plastic fell off the attraction.

It is thought that the ride will remain closed during a period of high winds being experienced. 

A council spokesscreamifwyouwanttogofaster told The JT:" I wouldn't say it was windy, but Edinburgh Airport has already granted landing rights to any star flyer riders who get, er, detached." 

It is thought that riders landing at the airport will have to clear customs and immigration in the normal way, and any scrotes originating from west of Harthill will be immediately deported in the normal way.

This is actually just the wind making it go round, very cheap to operate apparently

No idea where this is from

but I can't help but concur with the sentiment.
 Much as doing the Tesco shop wearing in pyjamas broadcasts the wearer's status as a self-regarding tit, over-doing the Xmas lights broadcasts passive aggression, as in: "If you think this is an over the top exercise in light pollution then there's something wrong with you."

Enabling a forward strategy at this moment in time...

Customers for the new border railway asked Transport Scotland if the trains could run a bit faster, this, quoted on the BBC Scotland's website, was the organisation's official response:

Transport Scotland said 98% of journeys would be under one hour with room for "more positive timetable solutions".

Yeh, say what you like about Mussolini, but at least he found ways to enact more positive timetable solutions...

Haud me back!

No really, haud me back. 
Apparently this is a real prize offered by The Skintman. Please feel free to speculate on the likely location and duration of the second prize...

Beautiful, but not actually in Falkirk...

From The Skintman

Not quite at Henry Kissinger/Nobel Peace Prize/end of satire level but close...