Almost from "The Gazette". (No, me neither...)

Johnstone teacher lands prestigious science gong

Published: 23 Jun 2015 14:40

A JOHNSTONE High School teacher has been awarded a prestigious accolade by the Young Engineers and Science Clubs Scotland.

Making the award, Science minister Fergus Ewing told The JT:

"We rely on educators like Michael to help future scientests research the really big questions like- 'what the fuck is going on with my tie?' and, for that matter,' what the fuck happened to Heather Reid, I mean, she just, like,vanished...'"

From The Scotsman, but with edit.

Ms Davidson seen here either speaking or sneaking out a botty burp.One of the two, definitely, I would say...

SCOTTISH Conservative leader Ruth Davidson is today expected to deliver a stark warning to David Cameron and Tory ministers that “more needs to be done” to keep the United Kingdom intact.

Following the SNP’s election victory in Scotland in May, giving them 56 out of 59 Westminster seats, Ms Davidson will use a lecture at the Scotland Office’s Dover House home in Whitehall to suggest that pro-UK politicians are in danger of “falling into the trap of thinking everything is OK” because of the independence referendum result. It is thought that Mr Cameron will issue an immediate response insisting that: "I'm sorry,  did you say something?I'm afraid I wasn't listening..." Ms Davidson will probably go ionto say something else to which Mr Cameron will reply: :"Evs, babes, evs."

Now then, now then, what's going on here then?

Two papers, two stories.

"That's the swag from last night's job sorted then..."

"Neeving all. No wait that's not right...Eveng all, no that's not it either.. Fuck..."

Blimey!

From The Scotsman, Euroman Jean-Claude Juncker getting very up close and extremely personal with oor Nicola!

Almost from The Scotsman

Lookit, its easy to see why the SNP government's policy on childcare is unclear.
I mean, just lookit at the policy wonk seen here drafting it...

"There, that's the executive summary all done. Now for juice and a biscuit..."

Hola! From That Palma, Mallorca

Pens at the ready as The JT presents top tips on the city of Palma what The JT editor has just visited  an' that.

• Be very wary of hotels that promise spectacular views of the bay. The cost of this view is staying in a hotel that appears to be nesting in the foothills of Ben Palma or whatever the hill around the bay is called. We stayed at the Hotel Horizonte, Hotel Verticale would've have been more like it. The steps up to the hotel are so steep that I expected to see a memorial plaque in reception dedicated to all the guests who expired on the way up from the city ."At the going down of the sun, and at the closing down of the bar, Sangria, £6 a litre, we shall remember them."
• Be careful of menus that offer "Cheese salad". To the unsuspecting veggie this looks at first sight a dietary option, but read on dear reader, do. Because listed down the playlist of salad ingredients will inevitably feature "Jamon York". Which is of course ham, sourced from the giant pork producing factory at York, a rural hamlet just up the road.
• Drivers in Palma are possessed of a unique second sight. This heightened perception allows them alone to see in the rear view mirror an encroaching, thundering horde of ten-foot tall velociraptors bearing down at high speed. This is why Palma drivers seem to  drive as if being pursued by velociraptors, because they are. The accepted speed limit calculation appears to be:posted limit X 2 +10%. And that's just the buses.
• Even Palma taxi drivers are hot. By that I of course mean the lady taxi drivers. If your normal experience of taxi drivers is confined to blokes that look like orangutans in a polo shirt and trackie bottoms, then you're in a for a shock. In Palma they have taxi drivers who look like fashion models using a taxi as a prop in a shoot, but no, these ladies are actually taxi drivers who can drive and everything.
• Be prepared to witness the somewhat unusual sight of what appears to be a 12 storey block of flats, bejewelled with a chain of tiny boats, sliding out to sea. This isn't a block of flats, but a fuck off ginormous cruise ship which can be seen from anywhere in the world.

Just when it was all going so well (From The Skintman)

for The SNP. Tramp in suit offers potential support, requests 10p for a cup of tea...