£161m for a carpet!

East Ayrshire Council accused of 'failings' over mining clear-up costs

The clean-up bill for opencast mine sites in East Ayrshire is about £161m

Continue reading the main story

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East Ayrshire Council is discussing a damning report on its handling of local mining projects amid a £132m shortfall to restore former opencast sites.Sources close to the council told The JT that the problems stemmed from a delay in the delivery of a giant carpet under which all the shit was to be swept.

From The BBC- it must be CGI

Its amazing what they can do with CGI isn't it? From The BBC, a photo of Union Street on what clearly is some kind of flag day and it appears as if the toon's heaving. Amazing what technology can do.When Cilla Black was trying to break into the Scottish market, her producers turned one of her hits into a more Doric friendly lyric:"Whit's it furry boots Alfie?"

Inside: Carbon dated Aberdeen gag. An Aberdeen man is in the back of a taxi which unfortunately veers off the road and then starts falling of a cliff. "What will we do?" wails the terrified taxi driver, to which our careful gentleman replies "well ye can turn the meter aff for starters." 

While watching

the BBC's broadcast from The Cairngorms in search of innocent diversion, I was shocked, shocked, upset and distressed to hear Winterwatch's Michaela Strachan make an very off colour comment on air. I was so shocked and distressed that I had to go to i-player and play the clip again with the subs on.

I've a good mind to put my foot through the universe and send the BBC the  bill.
Intriguingly, her co-presenter's remark:"We promise you black cock on the internet" went untitled, but you can run the show on i-player and play it at about 5 minutes in so you can be as disgusted as I was.
What a blind person just listening in would've made of this filth doesn't bear thinking about...
Our thoughts are with any distressed blind people at this difficult time and our hearts go out to them.

Oh, I see! (From The BBC, partially)

Rangers manager Ally McCoist has defended the club's decision to book his squad into a four-star hotel before their win at Forfar.

The players stayed at the Carnoustie Hotel before Monday's League One game at Station Park.

"I can understand people questioning it," said the Rangers boss, whose club reported losses of £14.4m for the 13 months to July.

"But it's my job to give our players the best opportunity to perform."

 It is understood that Mr McCoist sanctioned the hotel stay since economies made elsewhere in the club's operating budget mean that player journey times to away games are significantly longer than previously:

Insert own "We are the people-carrier" gag here

Spin this Alex... (From The BBC)

Scottish independence: Vladimir Putin says referendum 'a domestic issue'

The president of Russia has said the Scottish independence debate is a domestic matter for the United Kingdom and not one for his country.Continue reading the main story

Scotland's Future

• Hague and Alexander in EU warning
• Scrutiny begins of post yes EU plans
• Focus on Scotland's global position
• Scottish debt pledge made

In an interview with the BBC's Andrew Marr Show, Vladimir Putin said everyone had a right to self-determination.

But he said being part of a single, strong state had "some advantages".Mr Putin refused to be drawn on his views of Scottish independence remarking only:"As long as gay people can be persecuted by the state, then I'm cool with it."

Dah dah dah, dah daaah dah!

Sir Stephen House, head Police Scotland has reacted vigorously to retired judge Lord McCluskey's remarks that "policemen were not saints", thus continuing the need for corroboration in criminal cases.

 Sir Stephen previously working for the London Met force said:" This Lord whatisname is a fackin' muppet." Elaborating, Sir Stephen invited Lord McCluskey  to:" fackin' do one, you fackin' caant."

Following this intervention , Sir Stephen drove off at high speed in  a Ford Granada before knocking over some cardboard boxes  on wasteland near an abandoned warehouse and performing a series of spectacular handbrake turns.

Sir Stephen's measured response to "the faacking briefs sticking their faacking oar into
The Firm's faacking business."

From The Hardup: wait for it, wait for it...

Scottish police search half a million people in eight months

POLICE have searched more than half a million people in Scotland in just eight months, according to new figures.This marks a significant change in police tactics from the previous period when officers searched the same guy half a million times.