Cardinal of the week...

a temporary replacement for Cardinal O'Brien, Philip Tartaglia has given early indications that there will be no alleged incidents of "inappropriate behaviour" directed  towards male priests on his watch.

Just in from The BBC:Mother Church dodges bullet...

(Cough)

Britain's senior Roman Catholic cleric has been reported to the Vatican over historical allegations of inappropriate behaviour, a newspaper has said.

The Observer said three priests and one former priest made the complaint against Cardinal Keith O'Brien, 74, leader of the Scottish Catholic Church.

They have also demanded his immediate resignation, the paper said.

 In commenting, the editor of The JT said:"At least there can't be possibly a gay subtext here. I mean given what the cardinal has said on the record about gay sex, it would be unimaginable hypocrisy for him to do one thing and say another. No, I'm sure this is all to do with the cardinal being a closeted Partick Thistle fan and nothing more. 

I personally would welcome a very through investigation of these claims, with testimony under oath, to clear the cardinal of any more serious allegations." And with that, the editor skilfully hopped on to the back of his winged unicorn and flew off to Land of Oz.

Inside: Is this already a thing or have I just made it up? Are gay priests 'fessing up said to be coming out of the cloister?

but seriously dude... (From The BBC)

Former UK minister Mark Malloch-Brown said that the world would be watching Scotland as the referendum on independence draws nearer. Sorry, Mark who?
In an interview with the BBC's Glenn Campbell, the one-time United Nations deputy secretary general said people in Scotland would face a choice at the autumn 2014 poll that could have a lot of ramifications. "Deputy secretary general"? Is that actually a thing? Does the deputy do secretary generalling when the sherrif's out of town chasing Black Hat Bart and his gang with a posse?

Mr Malloch-Brown, who was minister of state at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office in Gordon Brown's government, also believed the United States would be wise to keep out of the Scottish independence. Apparently he was Brown's minister of state at the Foreign Office. Maybe his Mum got him in or something. You know, he sort of worked himself up from doing the internal mail. Do you think his Mum knows him? Seriously, I've no idea who this guy was...sorry... is.

Lennon to call on Clark Kent.

The Celtic manager Neil Lennon has conceded that he is unlikely to receive a helpful ruling on the conduct of the Spanish referee during last Tuesday's uber-gubbing at the hands of Juventus. 

He told The JT :" I can't expect UEFA to rule on the ref's conduct, far less order a replay, that's why I'm now calling in Superman." 
It would appear that Neil has watched the first of the Superman films where Superman reverses the earth's rotational spin, thus  reversing the flow of time. 
" I will be asking Superman, in the guise of mild mannered reporter Clark Kent, to don his Superman outfit and return The Earth to just before 7.45pm Tuesday last so we can get another chance at losing."
It is not known at the time of writing, whether the man of steel is sufficiently Celtic-minded given that he wears a lot of blue...

The two players most involved in the now infamous wrestling matches in the penalty box, Celtic's Hooper and Juve's Lichsteiner, are now practising breaking chairs over people's heads and forearming the referee by mistake,  prior to taking on the ghosts of Jackie Pallo and Mick McManus in a tag match sure to be loved by all grapple fans.
Back in Parkhead, Neil continued to insist  that there is clear evidence on a DVD that the referee ignored the wrestling. Neil also has video footage that clearly show President Kennedy being shot by the wife.

Inside:One is reminded of Strachan's response to the reporter asking him in what areas had Middlesbrough been better than his then club. 
"What areas? Mainly the big green bit."

Feel Free do

to attempt to pick the logic out of this.
 Here's the facts: Scotland has one of the highest rates of teenage pregnancy in Europe. Unlike other countries this might have something to do with the practice of making it very difficult  for our teenagers to either get contraceptive advice or honest, straight forward, guilt free sex education. 
A group of doctors ( The Scottish Sexual Health Lead Clinicians Group) has not unreasonably, suggested that we open up post sexual contact services, including the morning-after pill, to school age girls. Now, bearing in mind that the suggestion is to provide a service to girls who have had sex, let us now turn to Brain of Nowhere, John Deignan, who is apparently, The Mother Church's "Parliamentary Officer" , whatever the fuck that is and be prepared to try to work out what he's on about. I quote verbatim, from the BBC website feature, so belive me, it is as bad as it reads.

"The parliamentary officer for the Roman Catholic church in Scotland, John Deighan, said the proposal from the SSHLCG sent the wrong message to children.

He said: "Sexual behaviour is something that's for adults. Children deserve to have a childhood.

"Making emergency contraception available to children is a green light really that that's the sort of behaviour they should be involved in, and I think a lot of young girls especially want to resist that behaviour.

"But if adults are telling them 'no, we expect that of you' then you're really leaving them without the help and support they need."

Note to the sports editor at The Skintman

 If you're going to publish a feature in which Craig Whyte protests his innocence of all doing wrong at Rangers, its probably best not to illustrate the piece thusly:

The possible caption, "I'm saying nothing 'til my lawyer gets here" virtually writes itself.
 Unless, of course the editor,  probably facing the tin tack like the rest of what's left of the paper's editorial team, has just thought to himself, "Fuck it, who cares anyway?"