and so we were back in St.Andrews yeh?

And we were like totally OK with it and everything? And we were waiting for the car to take us back to the helicopter and then this totally old man just  came and stood beside us? 
And  we were like:Oh.My.God. Is he like in a pantomime or something? But no, 'cos laters, Will's equerry, Miles, told us that he was some pol. Bo-ring, yeh I know, called Sir Mingin' Campbell? So I said "whoa Miles, fairs fair yah?. I mean he smelt a bit old but he wasn't exactly pongers."

You know that

expression "Normal for Norfolk"? Implying as it does that denizens of that area of fenland aren't, you know, quite right? Well, have a look at "Average for Auchinleck". 
The gentleman below is a senior policeman covering that charming  East-Ayrshire hamlet and featured on Reporting Scotland last night.
.Unbidden to one's conscious mind rises the thought, "if this is whit the local  polis look like whit  the fuck dae the neds look like?"

Trident fleet to be renewed, relocated....

"Ooh ahr" etc

Dr Liam Fox, GP and mass death and destruction liker announced today that the UK's fleet of Trident submarines will be replaced: " In an uncertain world, its important that our country plays its part- in indirectly supporting the US defense industry who generously allow us to lease the nuclear  technology from them for a few trifling billion dollars." 


Sensitive to the charge that he might be condemning  the area  around Faslane to another generation of nuclear risk, Dr Fox told The JT: " To spread the risk out a bit, I'm proposing that Faslane play host to the subs during the week, while the subs are parked outside my constituency office in the Somerset town of Nailsea on the weekends."
Contacted for comment a Nailsea local said something or other but we couldn't make out a word of it. Something about cider maybe, or having a sheepy girlfriend. 
Christ knows to be honest. 

Maybe your invitation just got lost in the post...

yes, that's definitely what happened. Probably.

"I'll just slip away quietly"

Retiring MSP Wendy Alexander has told The JT that she doesn't want any fuss when she finally leaves Holyrood. " I don't want any big special send off" she said, "despite me being really great and everything." 
Ms Alexander has thoughtfully provided Holyrood officials with plans of the small, modest farewell that everyone will be expected to attend or there will be fuckin' trouble.

"That's your procession waiting for you now Ms Alexander."

Meanwhile, Scottish  Labour leader Iain Gray continues to suffer profile problems with a survey showing that the public have no idea  who he is. The profile problem seems to go much deeper than public perception. Mr Gray told The JT:" I was looking in the mirror the other day and I recognised the face but I couldn't put a name to it." 

Busted

I got  this via Graham Linehan's website. 
File under: "Petard, hoisted by one's own."

Are Tornado (ahem) "accidents" linked?

With a second Tornado jet crashing within a month , concerns are growing at RAF Lossiemouth that the losses are linked. 

A spokeschocksawaychaps told The JT: " we're concerned that the pilots based at Lossiemouth are jealous of their colleagues at Leuchers who've got shiny new Typhoon fighters to play with. It may be that the Tornado pilots are deliberately trying to break the jets so they get given new ones"


Other incidents at the Moray-base include:

• Pilots complaining that the Tornado jets look all old and yucky.
• Deliberately flying the jet slowly to make it look rubbish.
• Leaving brochures extolling the virtues of the Typhoon around where they know the base-commander can see them.
• Ostentatiously taking ages to start up the Tornado, while complaining loudly that: " the starter motor's completely fucked on it." 

Airworthiness issues with ageing Tornado

Contacted by The JT for comment , the base-commander said:" We're aware that some of the pilots are throwing the toys out of the pram on this equipment issue but I want to make it clear that if pilots insist on behaving like sulky teenagers then we will withdraw the X-Box 360 from the mess effective immediately."