"Its a conspiracy!" - OF claim from novel direction

As traditional a snow drops and easter eggs, spring-time brings with it the usual claims of bias against Celtic. From the intellectual powerhouse that is Bairds, the diocesan annexe, comes the traditional complaint that referees are dodgy when it comes to The Tic.


 Not to be outdone in the "infamy! Infamy! etc" stakes it is thought that Rangers will soon claim police bias against the club. In a week when Allan McGregor has had (ahem) some explaining to do bizzie-wise, a spokesgrayskull will tell The JT: 


"There's quite clearly an anti-Rangers bias at work in the local polis. There was time when a Rangers player's side of the story was taken on trust by the polis,wishing the player well on his way with a cheery salute after the player had autographed the officer's Rangers scarf. But now? Its no longer sufficient to just say "it was the Taig's fault". Now the police want evidence and everything."


We contacted Strathclyde's Chief Constable, Pope Pius X, for comment. he said : "Despite being dead for several hundred years I want to categorically  reject the  claim of Force bias against the Huns. 'Mon The Tic."

The Chief Constable of Strathclyde Polis, yesterday...

Hello, yet again, Allan...

...so, just tell us in your own way, how many  times is it now that the police have interviewed you about that (ahem) "assault"?



Inside: I see that Wattie is "concerned" about issues surrounding the assault, while Donald Findlay wants to know why the fuck Allan was at a party thrown for a Celtic player.

Murphy's Law:Part Deux

 With Labour's poll ratings likely to suffer following a blistering attack on the Government's family policies by the leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland, the Scottish Secretary said he was grateful to The Church for taking part in the debate

Murphy's Law

Celtic-minded Scottish Secretary Jim Murphy will tell a conference later today that the Labour Party is the natural home for religious voters of whatever denomination. (Honestly I'm not making this up).


He will later tell The JT :"Its only natural that people of faith vote Labour. By which I mean, members of the One True Faith who know God's grace and the rest, living in error, who are going to burn in Hell for all eternity".


Below we show Mr Murphy touching base with his boss, just before Jim spoiled the mood by making the Pope a gift of the Father Ted boxed-set...

Inside: Honest, I'm not making (all of) this up 

Things that suck...

and things that don't.


Watch first if you can, this truly appalling attempt to flog stuff by appropriating the community singing tradition in fitba'.
 To their credit, most of the comments from English football fans below this clip are absolutely scathing.
If  can you bear to endure more that 30 seconds of this then you're a braver person than me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi7bTOSaJxA


This, on the other hand, is fuckin' brilliant, and I've been looking for an excuse to link to it for ages.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGu5v9_UH78&feature=player_embedded

Form an orderly queue

As the long-term reader of The JT ( ten-years old this April BTW. No flowers please, just send money.) knows, in a world of chaos and inconstancy, certain things remain true for the editor:


- all modern sitcoms must be tested against the sitcom gold standard that is Father Ted,
- in terms of serious political satire The Onion remains the Daddy and,
- no one does everything else funny better than Viz.


As evidenced by the scanned gem below.

Do form an orderely queue....

SPT scandal latest - now meets all satire requirements says JT editor in astonishingly long and drawn out headline.

A relieved Jaggy Thistle editor told himself today how relieved he was following the newest revelations in the Strathclyde Partnership (for) Transport (SPT) expenses scandal. "I'm relieved" he said. 

The editor expressed some concern a few days ago when the story of (ahem) "creative" expenses claims first surfaced. "Unfortunately at that point, the expenses were not specific in terms of purpose. In satiric terms there was a gap between the nature of the expenses and the organisational purpose of SPT."

Thankfully, revelations in The Herald have closed the satiric gap. It was revealed  today that a board member had claimed hunners for travel expenses! 

"With this new revelation, we can safely sit back and go 'Oh a big travel expenses claim lodged with an organisation charged with transport matters. How ironic!' or words to that effect".

The Herald report revealed that the board member had claimed for 35,000 miles of travel. To put this in perspective, that's the equivalent in distance terms of one and a half times round the Earth, and would take almost as long as going from Buchanan Street to Ibrox on the subway.

Inside : I see from The Herald report that the SPT delivers “transport solutions for all modes of transport across the region” 
As in  telling intending passengers: "your transport solution has just turned into a transport problem. Your train's cancilt due to huns on the line at Ibrox and the wrong type of snow underground."