From The Naiveman?

Scots soldiers seize 1.5 tons of marijuana

Published Date: 07 October 2009

By Lucinda Cameron

SCOTTISH troops have seized 1.5 tons of hashish during a three-day assault on an insurgent hot spot in Afghanistan.

Hundreds of Black Watch soldiers swooped into Lakari in southern Helmand Province under cover of darkness, on a mission to clear a bazaar of drugs and ammunition.

Two platoons engaged in fire fights with the insurgents, allowing another group to search the bazaar, where their finds included a block of hash the size of a football, and components for making bombs.

Locals looking on said they'd thought that the soldiers had seized at least 3 tons of marijuana, although back at base only 1.5 tons were logged.

A regimental NCO told The JT: " Er, I think the stash must've shrunk on the way back to the base, that's it, half of the hash just evaporated. Yes, that's definitely what happened."

The NCO then led his men in unloading an attractive collection of tightly-rolled Afghan carpets which the troops intend to send back to Fife  for Xmas.

Groaning under the unexpectedly heavy weight of the carpets the Black Watch NCO said :

" What with one thing and another, our families back in KIrkcaldy, Dunfermiline and Glenrothes will be finding Xmas hard this year, hopefully the gift of an Afghan carpet, which definitely doesn't  have anything hidden inside it, will go some way to making things easier."

In other, completely unrelated news, Scottish police this week revealed that record levels of drugs, including marijuana, had been seized in Scotland's cities.

A long time ago...

in a galaxy far, far away, a David Cameron, who this week promised to treat Scotland with respect, wrote exclusively for The JT:

David Cameron speaks to the (English) Nation

"English ignorance of Scotland is damaging the union, according to the UK Conservative leader David Cameron." BBC News Online, 15th September 2006.


"Hi, it’s David William Donald Cameron here, but please, call me Dave.

Y’know, most people know that I’m a pretty straight-talking kinda guy and that’s why I said what I said.
Too many people in England are just completely ignorant of Scotland, its people and its history and so, with a name like Cameron, it’s up to me to set English people straight on a few things. For example, did you know that it was a Scotsman, Alexander Graham Bell Fleming that made it possible for penicillin to be injected over the phone?

And the next time you enjoy a cup of Earl Grey you’ve got James Watt to thank for inventing steam.



And it’s not just in the field of science that we’ve got a lot to thank the Scots for.

"The Wealth of Nations"? Pretty important book in the development of political economy right? But did you know that it was written by Maggie Smith? It’s true. Back in the 60s, when I was very young, Ms Smith wrote the book between acting jobs. It makes you think doesn’t it? And then there’s Charles Rennie Macintosh, architect and interior designer who found the time to style the iPod. Could you live without your iPod? I know I couldn’t.

But hey, there’s more.

The next time you’re enjoying a day of grouse shooting and Angus, the beater, takes a sip out of his hip flask and then offers you a swig, just remember, as you surreptitiously wipe the neck of the flask prior to having a drink, that the Scots invented whisky. I can tell you, that it’s a beautiful sight, while travelling through rural Perthshire, to see the fields of whisky bottles glint as they ripen in the autumnal sun.
"But Dave" I hear you ask, "Don’t Scottish people have funny accents?" Listen, anytime I’m up in Scotland hangin’ with me Tory homies at Scottish Central Office they all speak exactly like me! So let’s have no more ignorance about Scotland.
Respect."




 That Tory leader bloke
 Data off Star Trek





Inside: Dear Sir, Am I alone in thinking that David Cameron looks like that android bloke, Data, off "Star Trek?". I think not.




(September 2006)

Antiquarian Curiosities: an occasional divertissement

Roy Livingston, inks on canvas, "Dogfight over Denniston", 1963.

Inside:  previous curiosities:

http://thejaggythistle.blogspot.com/2008/12/modern-life-is-rubbish.html

http://thejaggythistle.blogspot.com/2009/01/antiquarian-curiosities-occasional_15.html

http://thejaggythistle.blogspot.com/2009/02/antiquarian-curiosities-occasional.html,

When Jim met Henry

Professional Dundonian Jim Spence interviewed Henry McLeish last week on the review the latter is carrying out on the future (is there one?) of Scottish football. 
Bear in mind, this review is to be finished by January 2010.

Readers of the big Jaggy Thistle will remember that, as a politician, in his salad days, oor Henry  was a reliable source of innocent fun. Mainly because, well, let me put it this way... if you were required to illustrate the concept of someone being so dumb that they'd need a diagram to eat mince, you'd do it with a photo of Henry. 

Transcribed from an interview where Henry managed to use the phase "buy in" ten times, here's a flavour of oor Henry.

Henry: "This review will be different.... if we are open, make the process  totally transparent, then everyone has a buy-in, everyone will know what we're recommending and as a whole nation we can take this country forward.."

Jim : "Can you give us any hints or flavour of what your early recommendations might be?"

Henry: "No".

"Buy in, buy in, buy in, buy in, buy in, buy in, buy in, buy in, buy in and finally, buy in."

Most of us...

...fondly imagine that within us lies the kernel of a great novel, awaiting only a final push to issue forth, corporeal and magnificent.

Most of us are wrong.

Courtesy of my big sister, here are the finalists in a recent competition to write really awful openings to novels.

10) "As a scientist,Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS.....

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, You lied!'"

And then of course there's your editor's upcoming opus entitled "10 million krona? How much is that in real money?" which opens with:

'The president of the Nobel committee called again for quiet as he addressed the cheering audience at the awards ceremony in Stockholm. "I see" the tall, distinguished Swede told the audience "that our decision to award the Jaggy Thistle editor the prize for literature for the third year running meets with your distinct approval" he continued to renewed rapturous applause.

Raising his hand again to quieten the adoring throng he smiled broadly before saying: "And I'm sure you will also approve of the committee's decision to just award the Jaggy Thistle editor with the prize every year from now on, because, let's face it, he's the best writer there will ever be!"

Cue bedlam.

Later, in his suite in the five star Stockholm Hilton, the Jaggy Thistle editor took another sip of the free Krug and shifted his weight languorously on the bed covered in crisp 100 krona notes. To his left, a naked Maura Tierney, her off ER, smiled coquettishly, to his right, an equally naked Angelina Jolie eyed him with something approaching naked lust.

He groaned wearily and said "Girls, girls, you're wearing me out! Give me five minutes rest for goodness sake."

"Here's what we'll do" the naked twosome said in breathy unison, "we'll froth each other up again, and you join in when you feel like it."

As the girls entwined in a sensuous, sapphic sandwich, the editor managed to pull his gaze away from the writhing duo to take in the splendour of the suite, the effervescence of the Krug and the blanket of money covering the bed. "Fuckin' 'ell" he said as much to himself as his rapidly moistening companions, "this is all right, int' it?"

And then he woke up. Lying in a skip.'

Referendum? neverhappendum says Tavish

Scottish LIb-Dem leader. and ex-headboy, Tavish Scott warned against a referendum on Scottish separation this week, warning: "To be distracted by such constitutional tinkering during a recession is folly."

Quizzed by the waiting media as to what would happen after the recession ended Mr Scott said: "After the recession there will be Xmas to think about, then Easter and soon after the summer holidays and whatnot. And, er, Avatar's coming out which will be dead good probably so everyone will be too busy going to the films."

Alex Salmond called for the voting age to be reduced to 16 in the proposed referendum saying "It's high time that our young people be allowed the opportunity to decide to say yes to our independence proposal, which explains why I'll be handing out free i-pods to all sixteen year-olds to subliminally influence their voting behaviour."

At the time of writing it's not known if the opposition parties intend to give out free naw-pods.

Inside: Just time for the Watson's Wind Up writers to steal that gag before the show starts up again, eh boys?

Scots on the box

"Jonathan Meades-off kilter", conts Wednesdays BBC4 9pm,"Mackintosh's masterpiece: The Glasgow School of Art", Monday 21st September BBC2 Scotland, 9pm.

I had what passes in my head for an original thought last week.

Here it comes.

This is my idea, which I'm going to share with you.

Now.

Documentaries on the telly tend to fall into two broad and distinct categories - they are either essentially one idea stretched out for an hour OR they contain too many ideas to cover in a hour.

As an instance of the latter can I just refer you to "Jonathan Meades: Off Kilter". An avowedly alien, stridently secular, forensic analysis of Scottish architecture and its wider social context.

Meades is English, but, you know, in a good way...

The show is on BBC4 as part of that channel's Scottish season. You know, the thread that should be branded "Isn't Scotland interesting? Oh look they have their own parliament and everything. Isn't that so sweet?" but isn't. Sarcasm apart, there are a few nuggets among the dross and the Meades stuff is the goldest of the gold.

He throws ideas about the relationship between the built environment, history and culture like mental confetti. While you're trying to catch hold of just one idea, whoosh! He's off again, throwing another shower of insightful insanity heavenwards.

Honest, if I tried to review Meades' mind-fuck here my head would explode so if you haven't, catch up with the first two bits on i-player and if you don't have access to i-player, then, er, you're fucked.

As an example of the first style, one idea stretched to breaking point, consider "Mackintosh's Masterpiece" part of the Artwork Scotland strand that pops up now and again on Scottish Beeb 2.

What was stated here early doors and reiterated for the remainder of the show was the idea that Mackintosh's Glasgow School of Art was a really good bit of architecture.

Well, duhr...

Contemporary academic staff at the School said it, contemporary speccy , spotty students also said it and various recognisable alumni (Peter Howson, Muriel Gray and Liz Lochhead among them) said it.

The camera work said it with, in turn, interesting and banal shots of bits of the building, leavened by the odd bit of artistic "wackiness" just to show how the school is still cutting edge, subversive and dangerous and aw that ae? And when we weren't being told for the nth time what a really good bit of etc. the building was we were being told that "it's a really interesting space".

Oh, fuck off.

And it was quite interesting and quite pretty, but know what? At the end of the hour I really didn't know any more than I did at the start. In sum, the show was like a pile of those ubiquitous Mackintosh postcards you find in Glasgow's tourist shoaps, taken and flicked through really quick to give the illusion of movement. Great play was made of how Mackintosh insisted art be useful and rooted in the real world but the real world never got a look in here.

For example, there were the obligatory bits of visual filler, sepia shots of Edwardian men and women at work as students in the school's original buildings. Hang on. Women in higher education in the Edwardian era? Who were these women, where did they come from? What was their background? What's going on here? That's just one question, interesting to me at any rate, that deserved consideration. What we got here was the history of a building with nothing, and I mean nothing, apparently going on outside the building.

Oh, and just to rub salt in the wound, "actor" Daniela Nardini treated us to her speak-your-weight-machine style narration...

Enough, already.