Dutch rail group delighted to find out they've won something

 A spokesdutchieonthelefthandside for Dutch rail group Abellio expressed delight today on being informed that the company had won the contract to run Scottish trains. 
The spokesetc commented:"For real? We won?. What is it were are winning?"

It is understood that the company's bid team had got a bit baked prior to the final bid being submitted, and the last thing the team remember is firing up another fat boy and chilling out to some cool jazz.
The company's plan for Scottish trains include new rolling stock, mainly Rizlas...

Try to calculate

the number of levels  in just-wrongness this exercise in van-based marketing manages to attain- I stopped counting at infinity plus one...

If there's a God, I'll definitely burn in hell for this one...

so, fingers crossed eh?

This week on Ootlandish

Jamie and Claire get married to save Claire from the Perfidious English but the real story is to be found elsewhere...

And so, the sputtering torch of independence is passed on to a new generation...

probably Gnasher...

No, of course not really, silly!

Spotted in Cala D'or

Pathetic shark on holiday...

Things we learned on holiday.

• Airlines now manage a fleet of creches flying at 37000 feet and stuffed full of screaming fuckin' kids going into meltdown. These creches are also known as aircraft. Toddlers aren't meant to be stuck in a metal tube or hours on end as part of a "holiday". Toddlers are the reason God invented camping holidays...
• The obesity crisis is all too apparently European -wide.
• Germans appear to suffer from a little known condition called reverse anorexia.
• All of human life is here represented from beautiful people fresh off the front page of Model Monthly and others fresh of the front cover of Monsters Today.
• A bikini, or indeed a pair of tight swim trunks, doesn't magically do away with  the16 stones of fat.
• In a hot climate its vitally important to drink at least 3 litres of water. To ensure karmic balance make very sure to drink similar amounts of lager...
• When a Spanish chef assures you that the soup is vegetarian, he means its made from vegetarians.