Next week: Scooby on scooby snacks.

In an unusual move, Velma, out of Scooby Doo, addressed the Scottish Parliament this week.

 Ms Velma recalled for MSPs  the varied adventures experienced by herself and fellow investigators of the para-normal.

In particular, she remembered the numerous occasions when "the gang" investigated  seemingly spectral phenomena occurring at a local showground, only to discover that the ghostly going-ons were being staged to force the showground into bankruptcy, thus allowing a crooked property developer to grab the land for a knock-down price. 

Velma remarked that the exposed culprit, prior  to being taken away by police, would invariably provide a detailed exposition of his plan and conclude that "And I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those darn kids!"

Velma concluded her session by taking questions from MSPs and denied that her nickname was Gnasher.

Anger/Danger, Anger/Danger (Nearly from The BBC)

 

Andy Murray beats Mikhail Youzhny at Wimbledon 2013,increases bodymass ten-fold, turns green and rampages through Centre Court crowd going "Rawrrr!"

Oh, naughty, naughty Skintsman!

The picture editor over by could've gone with anything to paste in on an item about licensing lap-dancing clubs, but here's what actually got published. Its just captions itself, so have fun with it do. As for lap dancing clubs- will that catch on? Dancing about in all that reindeer fur doesn't seem that erotic to be honest...

Lap dance venue licence consultation launched

"No, still not getting it, get her to dance again."

With friends like these etc (From The BBC)

Fisherman rescued from

 mud at Loch Eigheach

A fisherman has been rescued after getting stuck waist-deep in mud for four-and-a-half hours.

A total of 26 firefighters helped to free the 73-year-old after he sank into mud at the side of Loch Eigheach in Perthshire.

The man got into difficulty while fishing with friends between Rannoch Lodge and Rannoch power station.

He had already been stuck for three hours before the group called for help at about 14:00 and was freed at 15:30. 

The "group" later told The JT:"At the three hour mark, the pleasure in watching him struggle had begun to pall somewhat so we thought, what the hell, time to call for help or something. Whatever, right?"

Privatization:The people's choice (From The Hardup)

SCOTLAND'S first national park is at the centre of a war of words over suggestions that greater commercialisation is the key to securing its existence for future generations.
The row was sparked after Fiona Logan, chief executive of Loch Lomond and The Trossachs National Park, said there was potential for greater involvement of the private sector, sponsorship from local businesses and contributions from visitors in the form of donations and charges.
Miss Logan later told The JT:" Commercialisation is the way forward for the Park. If people in Scotland can't see the benefit then we might have to fully privatize the assets and perhaps move the area's lochs and mountain somewhere abroad."
 Responding to criticism that privatization of publicly owned assets hadn't all turned out for the best in the past, Miss Logan said:"I worked in the private sector for many years, I had my own desk,a laptop, a smart suit and everything. So you can just fuck off."

Wait for it, wait for it...(From The BBC)

Tory leader Ruth Davidson knocked back by barman

ungest political leader

The leader of the Scottish Conservatives was refused alcohol at a Bruce Springsteen concert - because the barman did not believe she was over 18.

Ruth Davidson was at the concert in Hampden Park in Glasgow on Tuesday evening with the Tory MP David Mundell.

She went to the bar to buy Mr Mundell a beer but did not have any ID when the barman queried her age.

Annabel Goldie had no such problem being served, and the barman even asked for her autograph, saying:"I've always wanted to meet Dennis Law."

From The Hardup:Yes, this will definitely work...

Call for phone and web votes to boost turnout

Monday 17 June 2013

The Electoral Commission should consider introducing internet and phone voting to boost turnout at elections, a Holyrood report has said.

The Local Government Committee has recommended that the commission, alongside the Scottish Government, looks at alternatives to traditional voting, and takes opportunities to test out new methods.

The recommendation comes after the committee examined the 2012 local government elections, which had a voter turnout of just 39.8%. 

A Holyrood source told The JT:"We're keen to try out new methods of engaging with an electorate that couldn't give a fuck basically, so when the ideas outlined above don't work, we'll be taking our engagement agenda to a whole new level." 

The agenda, code-named:"Fuck it ,we've tried everything else" will include a raft of new voting platforms using a Ouija board.It is thought that generations of Scots, currently asleep in their places of rest until the Day Of Judgement, can be persuaded to arise from their tombs and float spectre -like along to the voting station.The dead will be targeted with a tailored program of promotional messages including:"Scotland's future:be part of it, if only in a non-material sense" and  "Vote.What else have you got to do?"

Our source continued:"After contacting the dead doesn't work,we'll try contacting the un-dead if a volunteer comes forward to go to Coatbridge."

Our expert in all things, Professor Beaker of Abertay's Centre For The Study Of Anything We Can get Funding For, told us:" Politics is essentially people , the men in suits, the women in designer humphie, talking to each other about policy detail no one else outside politics is interested in. What politicians fail to realise is that while they find politics endlessly fascinating,the rest of us don't."