From The Scotsperson...

A hack with a very naughty sense of humour, or is it just the editing? You decide.

"Wet, wet wet star punched girlfriend in drunken argument.

THE keyboard player from Scottish pop group Wet Wet Wet was yesterday ordered to take part in a domestic violence programme after he admitted assaulting his girlfriend...

...Kingston Crown Court heard that Neil Mitchell, 45, pushed and punched his partner during a drunken row at her home in Fulham, south west London, last July....

...The 5ft 4in musician, who hit the charts with songs including Love Is All Around..."

England 1 USA 1

As readers of The JT know, your editor is  not given to intruding on private grief, even when that grief is being experienced by a certain international soccer goal-keep. Luckily, Thunder Bay Pete, a long term supporter of  our august journal of record, has no such compunction. Thanks Pete.

Oh, the humanity...

You've eaten cheese late at night, you drift off into an uneasy sleep and your mind replays the content below, over and over again, for fuckin' ever... 
(Thanks to Keith)

When Alex met Dave...

and as...

the Scottish Tories begin a review of why no one likes them, we begin a series of slides stolen from Annabel's Power Point presentation.

Liz was born under a wandering star...

Yes indeedy, Glasgow City councillor Liz Cameron, currently caught up in a dispute over  pay and conditions for cultural services staff, has been lecturing the said staff on the need to belt-tighten.

A subject on which of course Liz is a world authority - at least when it comes to securing one's seat-belt on an aircraft. Apparently Liz, in the course of her current many heavily-expensed duties has run up a £14k  travel bill since 2007. 

Ooh, that's a lot of money isn't it? 

Well, yes and no. 

For JT readers of a certain age might remember the following  feature from January 2006 that delicately raised the question of Liz's wanderings in her then capacity as Glasgow's Lord Provost. Incidentally I have a theory about Liz's need to roam - she's undertaking a global search to find a decent hairbrush. 


No luck yet then, Liz...

"£60K buys a "welcome break from scruff"- Lady Provost asserts


With news this week that the Lady Provost of Glasgow has managed to burn through sixty thousand of your earth pounds in travel expenses in the last 9 months, said lady provost has hit back at ill-informed media claims that she was taking the piss.


Pausing only to admire her extensive collection of visa stamps, Ms Liz Cameron told a frankly incredulous waiting media that the 60 big ones was money well spent, saying, (and I’m not making this up), : "We have helped to change the way that Glasgow is perceived and this has led to more and more interest from across the world."


Indeed. Doubtless, all across Foreign, people are saying :


"Truly, the good people of Glasgow must be loaded. Look how many times that Cameron woman turns up abroad at various free buffets, expenses no object."


And lest your average weegie might think that Glasgow might have charms too numerous to elucidate in attracting visitors, Ms Cameron rebuffed such ill-judged opinions saying (as above) :
"Glasgow does not have a royal palace or a new parliament to promote it, but it does have me." 


There you go, what have you got to complain about?


Finally, as the ultimate refutation of criticism, Ms Cameron went on to say (as above, again):


"I use my talents as a speaker of three foreign languages to directly engage with people of power and substance across the globe."


The subtext being : "I use my multi-lingual powers to get to the front of queue for the buffet where I talk to important people similar to myself, instead of the scruff I usually have to deal with back in Glasgow."


Inside: To go to New York for Tartan Day last year, Ms Cameron managed to get through the thick end of seven grand, while the Provost of Aberdeen did the same trip for a third of the money. But there you go you see, Aberdonians eh? What a bunch of tight-fisted bastards."

Lord Forsyth: "Scottish Tories must...must...grrrrrrrr."

Lord Michael Forsyth, Scottish Secretary in two past Tory governments criticised the Scottish party's performance in the last election saying the party north of the border needed to connect more effectively by pretending not to be flesh-eating zombies.

Pausing only to gnaw on what looked like someone's fuckin'  arm, Forsyth told journalists nervously eyeing the exits, that: "Perhaps it's a hangover from the Thatcher era but Scots voters have subsequently shown reluctance to vote for a party peopled by fuckin' zombies. This has to change."


In a wide ranging critique of the party north of the border, punctuated by Mr Forsyth moaning and growling, he recommended that the party needed an overhaul from top to bottom : "We need new blood. Lots of it. Mmmm, blood."


While acknowledging current leader Annabel Goldie's many strengths, Mr Forsyth speculated whether she was the undead to carry the party forward. "Annabel fails to connect with the electorate and it's not just because she's a flesh-eating zombie. She's just really weird looking."


In other political news, Bill Aitken has announced his intention to retire from his job as Tory MSP to spend more time practising his golf swing and aimlessly wandering through the dark watches of the night in search of human flesh. 
Much like (rest of sentence removed on legal advice)...