"Absorption complete, absorption complete..."

If this story from today's Scotperson is to be taken at face value, then not only has Nicola The Space Alien successfully absorbed Alex's generously proportioned body into her own, she's also well on the way to successfully aping the facial characteristics of Janette Krankie.

Doubts grow

within SNP circles over wisdom of attempt to have BBC election debate banned...
                                                                                                                                                                    

Heads down...

The news this week that Quo front-person Francis Rossi is buying into a Scotch Whisky firm gave me the excuse to dig the following gem out of the mine of goodness that is that YouTube. 
The marvellous mutant progeny of pairing The Barron Knights with Frank Zappa, I give you, ladees an' gennelmen, the late great Alberto Y Los Trios Paranoias.

Henry asks for £500m after consulting with his little friend...

Ex-Minister Henry McLeish reported on the first of a three-volume study of Scottish soccer this week.
At a SFA press conference, Mr McLeish  insisted that the youth game needed an investment of £500m. 
Mr McLeish told  the waiting media that he had arrived at that figure after consulting with Fenella The Fairy, a woodland sprite that only he can see. 


Cradling an invisible Fenella gently in his hands, Mr McLeish said : "Fenella reckons that an investment of  half a billion pounds will transform the youth game in Scotland; we must do as she commands."

SFA president George Peat thanked Mr McLeish for his work and requested he remain seated 'til the nice men in the white coats came to look after him.

You also know...

...that things are getting back to normal, when the Catholic Church in Scotland  embraces a previously  unheralded talent for ecumenicalism, by exhibiting the Jewish cultural norm known as chutzpah.

This exercise in brass ballness is traditionally illustrated by reference to the story of the Jewish guy appearing in  court found guilty of murdering his parents. He pleads for mercy on the grounds that he's just a poor orphan. See what he did there? Turning defence into attack? 

Now, given that The Church has been in the news for all the wrong reasons this past wee while, you'd think wouldn't you, that this might occasion a period of quiet, self-critical reflection on the part of the institution? A partial withdrawal from the public arena, if you will, to allow for some mature reassessment. 

Well you'd be wrong to think that. 

For the Church has been busy this week sending out questionnaires to all the Westminster candidates for Scottish seats, quizzing them on matters of faith and morality. Without going into tedious detail here, you can bet that the "right" answers to the items in the questionnaire will closely accord with Church teaching. 

Suffice to say there isn't a question on the sexual abuse of children, but, moving on...

On top of this exercise in brass ballness, the Church have out-chutzpah'd themselves, by subsequently complaining that three of the four main parties in Scotland have told The Church to go and fuck itself, not least because the questionnaires are not anonymous and The Church fully intends to publish the "results". 

The only exception, leaving the matter to "individual conscience", are the Nats.  Y-e-es. We'll see how that goes...

Anyway, since The Church is obviously really keen to see where individuals stand on burning moral issues, here's a few questions to ask of the clergy:

1. In your career as a priest did you ever come across an instance of child sexual abuse?

2. If yes to question 1, did you report the matter to the police?

3. Would you agree that aiding and abetting child abuse is a serous criminal offence and that where prima facie evidence of the offence having been committed exists, the  suspect should be arrested and charged?

3. If yes to Question 3, would you agree that no figure, secular or clerical, is above the law?

4. If yes to question 4, please sign the petition calling for the arrest and prosecution of the Pope.

5. Where are you going? Why are you running away?

You know...

...that things must be getting back to normal when a  BBC News sub-editor tags a report on the Scottish Lib-Dem manifesto launch like this:

Unless Tavish and Alistair were planning to pleasure each other at the press conference, the words "action" and "manifesto launch" aren't normally considered to be especially comfortable companions in the same sentence.

 

From The Herald

"Watchdog warns of 20% cut in public spending.
Cuts to public spending in Scotland could rise to 20% over the next few years if the economy fails to recover, a leading expert has warned."