Cardinal fully intends to rip Pope a new one

Cardinal Keith O'Brien will announce his attention today to rip the Pope a new one. 
The promise to radically reorganise the pontiff's excremental exit will come in a speech the Cardinal will make in the face of continuing criticism of the Church's role in raping kids. Cardinal O'Brien will make it quite clear that raping kids is wrong and people, including priests, are not to do that. Any more.


He will say that the scandals have left Scottish Catholics "demoralised and confused" because the bits in his brain that should describe the appropriate human reaction as "disgusted and apoplectic with rage" don't seem to work.


The attractively-costumed cleric will insist that anyone with knowledge of abuse is honour bound not to try to cover the fact up.Which will lead O'Brien to Rome and an appointment with the holy bottom. 

For the current Pope, when a Cardinal in Germany in 2001, specifically instructed clerics investigating child abuse that their findings were not to be shared with secular authorities.


Professor Beaker of St.Andrews' God Bothering Centre told The JT: "I can say without fear of contradiction that there's probably something in the bible about how pontiffs who collude in child abuse should have a new one ripped. I can't find the reference at the minute, but it will be there somewhere.Trust me."


It is thought that after  delivering the speech, O'Brien will fly to Rome to enact retribution aboard a giant flying pig, pausing only to promise the rest of us that he fully intends to stop lecturing the wider society on morality for the foreseeable future.

Inside: Dude, what's going on with this photograph? He looks like he's modelling clerical garb for a holy fashion shoot.

Anyone...

...who has ever walked 'round St.Andrews during the university year has probably met this person. 


When  I say "met", I mean been blessed to stand in the same queue in a St.Andrews shop while being regaled (along with the rest of the queue) at fog-horn volume with the fascinating news that fuckface's gap year was "rahhly rahhly great". 
I say "person", but I really mean the sort of annoying walking, braying archetype-made-flesh that makes you regret the passing of open, hate-filled class warfare. 


You know, the warfare with pitchforks, scythes and lots of rope...


Amongst those apparently very few non-rah types at St.Andrews, a collectivity of these creatures is known as a twat.


Presumably the litmus test in St.Andrews of your class origins is whether you watch this clip and think; "what a cutting piece of social satire" or "Oh my God, aren't documentaries just so cool?"


BTW, if you do think this clip is documentary then would you please just fuck right off? 


Thank you.

What a way to spend Easter...

The ousted Celtic management team of Mowbray, Venus and Grant are expected to spend Easter in a  reflective mood, just hanging about really...

Inside: What with all the current scandal over child-abuse within the Catholic Church and The  Vatican responding with "Its all a media stitch up", one is drawn to seek comfort from the Good Book. I refer of course to the archives of this Good Book: http://www.theonion.com/articles/pope-forgives-molested-children,101/

I'm shocked, shocked...

To slightly paraphrase Captain Renault's reaction on "discovering" that gambling was going on in Rick's Place can I just echo the sentiment:that I'm shocked by the kind of stuff people circulate on the interweb.
 Like this below dear reader, sent by an English friend of mine and titled : "Confucius say, if you are in a bookstore and can't find the book for which you search, then you're obviously in the":

I'm sure, dear reader, that you, like me instantly recognise that the implied comic effect derives solely from the juxtaposition of a question posed in English and the store sign transcribed from Chinese.


This is an example of the kind of thing that's all too prevalent  today as is illustrated by the instance below - an image not dissimilar to one that appeared some time ago in The, er, uhm, Jaggy Thistle, now that come to think of it.

Listen, just forget I said anything.....

From The BBC

Woman smuggled into Trident base

A Marine is facing disciplinary action after smuggling a woman into the home of Britain's Trident submarine fleet in the boot of his car.
It is understood that he was caught with the woman as he escorted her out of the high-security base at Faslane.
Gate security became suspicious when the woman was spotted carrying a Tomahawk cruise missile. She explained that she needed a new focal point for her garden  because recent high winds had blown over the birdbath.
It is thought that the woman concerned intended to position the multi-warhead nuclear weapon in an upright position and use it as an attractive conversation piece festooned with hanging baskets and the like.

Er, whit?

Fully aware that I'm laying myself open to a well-deserved, pot/kettle/black charge I still  can't let this go by. 
According to the BBC Scotland news website (so it must be true) SNP supremo Alex Salmond has described a possibly hung parliament at Westminster as "redolent with opportunity". 

Sorry, whit?


As far as I know the word redolent has 3 meanings - suggestive, strongly scented or fragrant. So is Alex saying the prospect of a hung parliament is a bit pongy? He might conceivably mean that the situation is pregnant with opportunity.


He has got form with this type of bollocks tho'. Exactly like the embarrassing uncle who tries to get down with kids by using expressions he only half-understands Alex has been talking about anger over political  expenses as symptomatic of "rage against the machine". What is he on about? Has he ever listened to the band?
Fuck off...


And just to make sure he's got all the cliche bases covered, of the SNP need to win 20 seats at Westminster is described by Alex as " a big ask". 


A big arse more like.


Inside: If you need a daily fix of an embarrassing uncle sans pareil  can I suggest you tune into Tom Morton's show on BBC Radio Scotland. That fucker has got embarrassing uncle nailed, big time.
Brian.

Sturgeon to be urged not to listen to the voices:the ones in her head

Health Secretary, half-human, half-fish and freak-you-right-out-space-alien Nicola Sturgeon will be rushed to hospital later today, boffins predict. 


It is thought that the lifetime president of the Suzi Quatro Lookylikey Club will succumb to what psychologists term cognitive dissonance - the acute feeling of anxiety felt by a person holding two contradictory ideas in their head at once.


The unease will be triggered when the head of booze makers Whyte & Mackay  confirm that jobs in the Scottish-based industry will be lost only if the minimum pricing plan for dizzyade is adopted UK wide.


Professor Beaker, pausing only to refresh his morning coffee with the special "water" he keeps hidden in his desk, told The JT: "On the one hand, Nicola would love to be lauded as the power behind a pricing policy to be copied elsewhere in the UK, but, on the other hand, if demand falls UK-wide then many hundreds of alcohol-related jobs in Scotland will go. If God forbid, the plan was adopted elsewhere in Europe, then demands for the bulk-alcohol product that constitutes most of the "whisky" industry's trade will also fall further. Nicola would be shot, buried, dug up and shot again."




It is thought that when the cognitive dissonance really kicks in that Nicola's head will start to spin round and round, with all sparks and smoke coming out before finally exploding, showering colleagues with transistorised technology from the future.

Cool.