I'm sorry but...

nothing I could write could possibly improve on this news item from The BBC...

"Man assaulted officer with penis

A man who assaulted a female police officer with his penis has been fined.
Marium Varinauskas, 28, tried to strike the officer on the head with his penis when she was called out to his flat, but she got out of the way.
Lithuanian Varinauskas admitted a charge of assault at Aberdeen Sheriff Court and was fined £600.
The court heard he had been drinking heavily and could not remember committing the offence at his home in Aberdeen."

Okay, now this is just plain WRONG

Thanks, (if that's the right word), to Thunder Bay Pete for headupping (if such a phrase exists) on the below. 

There are, dear reader, as you know, two main meanings of the word "awesome". One is like, "whoa, awesome", the other "this is scaring me." 

Take a wild guess which meaning jumps into your head when confronted  with this weirdness. 

I note from this clip's YT page that it's had over 2m hits. Just what the world needs, 2m people who will never sleep again.

Pete asks, what's on the guy's head? I ask, what's in the guy's head?

Form an orderly queue ladies...

I must lead an extremely sheltered life, because  until The Sunday Herald told me so, I've never knew that this man was a self-confessed "sex addict".

I know that I should be much more morally exercised over the fact that the stud in  question, Lord Laidlaw, gives money to the Tories when he shouldn't but look, I'm sorry the idea that his guy is a sex addict is doing my fucking head in.
I mean, where does he go to pick up women? The Lucy Clayton School for Blind Girls?

Reduce, re-use, recycle and re-invoice

In a world embittered by cynicism, The JT, as you, dear reader knows, stands four square against such negativity, looking instead for the best in people, marvelling anew every day at the creativity of the human intellect in finding new paths to walk down, fresh vistas to appreciate and very long opening sentences to construct.


My eye was drawn to a feature in The Herald  reporting  that the very wonderful logo designed for the upcoming Weegiewurld Commonwealth games bore an uncanny similarity to a logo designed some time ago for a different client by the same firm of designers.

It has come to a pretty pass, when designers, quite possibly, maybe, leading in the fight for the environment by assiduously recycling old logos are in receipt of pelters.


In any case, let us consider the two designs and make our own judgement.

First up, the Commonwealth Games logo:

And now the logo done, by the same agency, for arts mob "The Common Guild" back in 2006:

They are quite clearly quite different. Wan's in colour, and the other wan isnae.

See what they did there?

Today's Sunday Herald leads with the story that (ahem)  "exhausted" "exlabourleader" and "excouncillor" Steve Purcell apparently  enjoyed the odd half-kilo of charlie from time to all the time.
The follow up piece, detailing the timeline that led to the guy's downfall, is headlined "Purcell:the end of the line."

You're feeling stupid, very, very stupid...

News, fans of the mental, that celeb hypnotist Paul McKenna has trousered £20K to address Weegiewurld's unemployed. The idea apparently is that Paul will motivate the assembled jobless into immediately getting a job, or something.

The money for Paul's fee is being provided by Skills Development Scotland, a government agency. 

Contacted by The JT, the civil servant responsible for giving McKenna the gig said : "I don't know what happened. I was talking to Paul's agent, saying that we wouldn't dream of funding something as superficial as that, with no means of measuring the impact, and then Paul started talking directly to me and then every went hazy and then I woke up having just written Paul a cheque for £20K".

Mr McKenna's website reports that he can help clients with weight loss. I wonder, is there anyone he could help while in Scotland?

Anyone, anyone at all you can think of.

Purcell resigns and a world says "Yeh, whatever dude"

Under-stress Glasgow City Council leader Steven Purcell resigned his post this week, citing exhaustion as the reason, and immediately put the  media handling of his decision in the hands of his lawyers and a PR agency. 


"Its important " said one of the spokespokes handling the news "that a waiting world are made aware of Steven's momentous decision through the careful management of the news that er, Steven has  resigned".


Mr Purcell's lawyer immediately issued a statement that read :" I can confirm that Mr Purcell is still no feeling very well and I will be issuing  further statements reiterating this fact over and over again until such time as my client starts to not feel no very well."


Across the known world, people reacted with astonishment at the news- the news that some minor regional apparatchik thought his resignation was news and required (ahem) "management".


Professor Beaker of Edinburgh's School of No Feeling Very Well Studies told The JT: " The next few weeks will be crucial in establishing exactly what kind of exhaustion Mr Purcell is suffering from.
 Boffins like me have identified two main types. There's  exhaustion as in: 'I've just worked a ten-hour shift in A and E and I'm exhausted' and then there's 'I've just necked a shitload of _________( term removed on legal advice) and I did some ________ (ditto) about an hour ago and now I'm completely off my face with exhaustion'."


Naturally of course, it will be found that Mr Purcell is exhausted in the first sense and definitely not in the second sense.
Oh dear me, no.