From The Herald

Deep divisions over different forms of worship within the Catholic Church in Scotland can be revealed today by The Herald.

A leading Scots Catholic claims an erosion of the “beautiful tradition” of the church and the trend for “touchy-feely” worship has put it at odds with the Vatican. It is thought that the divisions arise from a fundamental theological question: whether its better to use Latin or English as the vehicle for expressing ideas which are a load of bollocks.

and from The Scotsman...

... despite achieving the prestigious Green Flag eco award, Craigroyston Primary cannot show off its success to the world – because it cannot afford to pay for a flagpole. The Muirhouse Place West school has been quoted more than £2100 to have a flagpole installed to display the Green Flag awarded by Eco Schools Scotland.

A spokeschalk for the school said : "We're not going to give up on this idea. We've got a lot of good ideas kicking around to solve this problem. In a meeting we'll be running these ideas up the flagpole and..oh, hang on, I've just thought that one through, just forget I said anything..."

Hello again Allan. Please tell us in your own way...

...just how many allegations of serious sexual assault are you currently facing?

I'm a great fan

of musicals as you know. And I was especially pleased to dig up this old poster that manages to encapsulate in one short phrase all you really need to know about the genre....

Let's face it...

...it's easily done. 
You work for BBC Scotland's online news service. Your editor wants a photograph to illustrate a feature on the dangers of alcohol, you dig something suitable out of the Getty Archive, you load it with the feature. 
You don't notice until later, or until one of your colleagues reads The JT, that the bloke featured seems to have  passed out after over-indulging on what looks like a glass of water... 
These things happen, it's easily done.

"It was God's fault"

Justice Secretary Kenny Macaskill took to the airwaves this week to defend the Scottish Government's response to the recent big freeze. 


Despite cynics wondering why oor Kenny was straying quite so far from his own ministerial brief to gob on about the weather, he nevertheless insisted in talking exclusively to The JT.


"After first invoking the idea of a supernatural entity in relation to the Lockerbie Bomber's prostate cancer, which finally seems to be getting worse, thank fuck, I've now decided to drag in The Deity anytime anything bad happens."


Mr Macaskill went on to explain that Scotland's worst winter in 30 years was the result of divine intervention, saying, A higher power than even me has sat in judgement on Scotland and passed a sentence far graver than I could ever impose."


Mr Macaskill refuses to speculate on why the Lord Our God should feel the need to punish Scotland with shitey weather. "I haven't really thought that whole divine retribution thing through, to be honest. It was just something I thought up while trying to sell the Megrahi release to the septics."


From Heaven where he sits on high with all the angels, God confirmed to The JT that he was responsible for the snowy weather, saying, in a booming holy voice, that he sent the snow because he just likes to see people sliding about on icy pavements before falling on their arses.


Inside: Local councils confirm that they will clear icy roads and pavements no later than mid-July.

"Get orf my laand."

Would you believe it? Hundreds of Scotland's biggest landowners - that's the "poor farmers" to us urban types, have collectively decided that they don't want an upgrade to the Beauly-Denny powerline because the giant pylons would "spoil the environment." 


Ye-e-es. 


I recently spotted a fuck-off giant 4x4 of the type beloved of these (ahem) "eco- warriors" with a "Say No To Pylons" sticker on the back windscreen. I can only assume that either: what I thought I knew  about the environmental impact of 4-litre diesel-powered civilianised armoured cars is wrong, or the owner of the vehicle has a very specific and particular understanding of  the word "environment."


But fair's fair. Since the upgrade is necessary to trunk renewably-generated electricity to the Central Belt, what would the protesters suggest as an alternative scenario? 

• Have electricity delivered the traditional way. In brown paper parcels brought by the postie
• Build nuclear power stations in places that don't matter. Council housing schemes for example
• Destroy wind-farms because they just use up all the wind
• Do nothing until the usual happens: the urban taxpayer sends the poor farmers another enormous cheque and they shut up about it.

Inside: I'm not one to be racist as you know, but it's surprising how many of the "local" protesters when interviewed can only speak "faah, fwah, fwah!"

It's Snawmageddon!

As Scotland shivers under the worst winter conditions since records began etc, we've been out and about seeing how this our own, our native land is coping and ask, whit the fuck's happened to the global warmimg we were promised?













Snow devastates, improves Coatbridge

 

                                                              

                                                        

   "Hurry up, the offie's shutting in 10 minutes!"

 

"It's stewed seagull or hee haw"

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