That was then, this is now...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7757754.stm

"Expenses row" - could it mean that Mick has to actually pit in a shift?

As the row over MPs' expenses rumbles on, there was concern in Westminster last night that under-fire Speaker Michael Martin might actually have to get a real job.

One Labour MP told The JT: "Compared to Mick, all the other tools in the bag are capable of quickly cutting through something very hard to cut. When the expenses row blew up, Mick effortlessly misjudged the public mood by insisting the police be brought in to lift the leaker of the leak. Way to go Mick, that is really going to help."

Mr Martin has previously asserted that his elevation to The Speaker role marked a triumph for working class people. An assertion which does tend to challenge somewhat received understandings of the meaning of "triumph" in 150 years of socialist struggle.

Inside: As in all vexing issues of human culture we turn to The Simpsons for enlightenment. Homer on being caught in some nefarious deed responds: "Marge, I'm really sorry you found out."

Is this the end for The Taliban?

The Ministry of Defence announced this week immediate deployment to Afghanistan of a detachment of "Fran and Anna's Own" Cavalry. This elite tactical group will undermine Taliban morale by singing selections from the late sisters' songbook in Pashtoo.

If the Taliban still resist, MOD officials will then instruct unit commanders to employ the ultimate sanction - having the horses sit on the Taliban until they agree to play nice.

Fran and Anna's Own should not be confused by HM The Queen's Household Cavalry, the latter unit just sit around the house all day really...

The sadly now deceased, modestly attired, "Bathgate bags", seen here with the unfortunately still alive Johnnie Beattie.

Scots on the poster: Aberdeen, Scottish but every so slightly skew-wiff...

Nicola Sturgeon, Swine Flu and Suzi Quattro

There was increasing medical concern being expressed in Scotland last night as the rate of swine flu infection reached disappointingly low levels.

An ashen-faced medic told The JT: "If things carry on this way then we face the very real prospect of Health Secretary Nicola Sturgeon being fatally starved of the oxygen of publicity, with tragic consequences for her fashion sense."

Space-alien, fish monster Nicola has been on TV every day since the epidemic kicked off - even managing, in one blessed day, the fabled treble of appearing on BBC National News, Reporting Scotland AND Newsnight - the real wan, before the Scottish version, the wan watched only by close friends and family of the production staff.

The media exposure has forced Nicola into dressing in something approximating fashionable clothes, eschewing her classic Granny's twin set look or, heaven forfend, the costume used for her Suzi Quattro tribute act.

Meanwhile, Alex Salmond is polishing up the final draft of his fulsome obituary tribute to the memory of Nicola who will tragically die in a bizarre gardening accident if she doesn't shut it.

Inside: Above.That's a photograph of the swine flu virus apparently. Fuckin' hell, how could anyone miss that coming towards them? It's fuckin' huge.

Ms Sturgeon, down at Devil Gate Drive, yesterday, where she apparently exhorted all attending to come alive...

Jesus Christ! What bit of "judgemental" is it that gays don't understand?

With Church of Scotland meenisters apparently objecting to one of their number being given to (cough) "throwing a light dart", the gay cleric in question, Scott Rennie, is said to be a bit thick.

In (presumably) praying his fellow clerics might be a bit more non-judgemental, it is apparent that he hasn't grasped the fundamental organising principle of religious discourse: a tendency to be a tad judgemental.

The view that church ministers must be avowed fanny rats and not given to (ahem) "playing for the away team" has support, as Professor Beaker of Glasgow's Centre for Studying Stuff That Only Makes Sense If You Don't Study Anything Else, told The JT:
"There is an evangelical element within the protestant tradition in Scotland that has the good bits of The Bible, the bits about not suffering sodomites to live, highlighted in yellow with 'And quite right too!' marked in the margins in green ink.

This group is referred to euphemistically as The Friends Of Early-Onset Dementia."

It is thought that this attempt to ban gay clerics is only the first step in an evangelical crusade to do away with female ministers as well. And if you're a female minister and also enjoy (harrumph) "walking holidays", you're doubly fucked.

And not in a good way...

Inside: The Bible: a guide for modern living, if you live in the past.

(Ahem)...

From Scotland on Sunday, 4th April, 2009

"Margaret Curran, the Glasgow Baillieston MSP, called on Thatcher to say sorry for neglecting Glasgow's heavy industries and for introducing the hated poll tax that contributed so much to her downfall after 11 years.

Curran said: "Margaret Thatcher should apologise to Glasgow for her policies that wreaked havoc on our city. The constituency I represent is still trying to recover from the destruction that ensued from her plans and political approach."