The Jaggy Thistle - Scotland the barbed

While I concede

2012-01-27T12:01:00.000Z

that the line between satire and the "real" world is often very fine, I can't quite get my head around how this makes any sense:

While I attempt to wrestle with the logical paradoxes involved why don't you go and enjoy Karl Wallinger explaining the history of the world in four minutes, fourteen seconds?
Of course, if he'd had to explain bank bonuses he'd have been at it yet...

Is it just me

2012-01-25T12:27:00.000Z

or do you also think that this photo of John Swinney was taken at The Shows?

"Clear need to exercise restraint in difficult fiscal climate..."

"...whee!"

Its official! I'm an idiot! Ae fond apology...

2012-01-23T23:22:00.000Z

"The editor of The JT, what a twat!"

You know that lovely clip from The Long Day Closes featuring Ae Fond Kiss sung by Jean Redpath that I generously gave y'all as a Xmas present?

Well, someone has mailed in tactfully pointing out that the singer is one Isobel Buchanan and not Ms Redpath.

Apologies to all, the YT video will be amended accordingly and I'll now spend the rest of eternity wondering why I was so convinced it was JR... Sorry.

Salmond discovers new fact about Games of Soldiers...

2012-01-21T09:59:00.000Z

At least it would be cheap.

Alex Salmond this week accepted that an independent Scotland would somehow get by on the current Tory projection of defence spending for the future.

He told us:" I know that I previously insisted that Scotland retain its existing complement of military bases as a minimal requirement, but that was before discovering that defence spending is really, really expensive."

It is thought that Mr Salmond's previous fantasy of Scotland's brave soldiers leading the fight against an invading horde of fuckin' space aliens or something is now to be put indefinitely on hold and kicked comprehensively into the long grass, along with the previous bollocks about Scotland forming some kind of brigade of heavily armed social workers touring the world's conflict zones and taking out the bad guys. Jesus.

While Mr Salmond had previously heard the expression "fuck this for a game of soldiers" he wasn't familiar with the variant that goes: "fuck this for an insanely expensive game of soldiers."

Tone deaf

2012-01-16T13:06:00.001Z

So farewell then, as "internet advisor" at least, to Labour's Tom Harris.

Apparently, he posted one of those "Downfall" tropes featuring Alex Salmond as Der Fuhrer and he's now had to resign for causing offence.
Alex Salmond as Hitler? How funny is that? Oh my aching ribs, desist at once for I fear my sides will split.

Let's leave aside for one moment the touchingly fossiled notion that DF hasn't been done to death, (what next Tom, a bangin' Rick Astley mash up?) and consider instead Tom's choice of fascist dictator to reference.

Salmond as Hitler? Really? Fuck off.
No, as fat, superficially plausible, fat cunts go, there's only really one realistic comparison.

Il Duce

Some Italian bloke

OK, just back away slowly and don't make eye contact.

2012-01-12T15:12:00.000Z

"P'yow! P'yow!

As her contribution to an often heated debate on the independence referendum, Tory leader this week, Ruth Davidson, told fellow MSPs at Holyrood that: "The next 1000 days could decide the destiny of our country, not just for the next 300 years but the next 1000 years."

As MSPs coughed nervously and intently studied their order papers to avoid making eye contact, Ms Davidson insisted to The JT that she was not guilty of hyperbole. " Not in the least, I actually dialled it down a bit. In fact, this decision could echo on down the years to the End Of Time itself when space and time will melt one into the other and the universe will simply cease to be."

Looking to the medium term. the next 500 years, Ms Davidson told The JT: "If Scotland goes it alone, the ordinary people of our nation will be deprived of the benefits of technology that I've recently brought back from the future through a worm hole in my office. Behold my Oxter of Radiance mortals, and tremble!"

Responding to Ms Davidson's remarks, in that mock jocular tone that other people find fuckin' annoying, First Minister Salmond would only promise that the proposed referendum would definitely take place sometime in the next 1000 years.
Probably.

I'm sure

2012-01-10T07:50:00.000Z

that you, like me, are honoured by the fact that the BBC's intriguingly bendy looking Economics correspondent, cut- glassien Stephanie Flanders has graciously turned her cool, analytic, yet strangely beguiling, gaze towards us this week.
But is it just me that has detected a subtle change of tone in her feature on the BBC website.Or are your meds starting to wear off as well? Woof!

"I don't think we're in Kirkcaldy any more,Toto. Ken?"

2012-01-04T11:34:00.003Z

Dorothy, no longer in Kirkcaldy, yesterday.

This week's high winds have finally made the SNP leadership all come together in one big squoosh - Scotland has been detached from the rest of the British Isles and now sits some ten miles off the Norwegian coast.

An SNP source told The JT: "For years we've been arguing that Scotland should become closer to Norway and thanks to the hurricane force winds shifting the entire Scottish land mass north east, our dreams have finally come true. Just like I've come again, sorry."

Professor Beaker of Glasgow's Centre For The Study Of Stuff told us: "This might be a good thing if we Scots adopt the healthy lifestyles associated with the Norwegians, although we might become more prone to depressive illness and suicidal thoughts. Or am I thinking of the Swedes?"

Speaking of Sweden, the translocation has also moved The Shetlands even further north, and the islands now lie just off the Swedish northern coast - that crinkly bit at the top. A spokesyou'renotfromaroundhereareyou? told The JT: "Our islands traditionally feel an affinity with Norway. We're not that keen on the Swedes to be honest."

Alex Salmond will seek urgent talks with the Norwegian PM to secure both a seat in national government for himself and a share in Norway's oil revenues since Scotland now sits in Norway's territorial waters.

It is thought that the response to both requests is likely to be "foork oorff", or words to that effect.

Ooh, its a tough one isn't it?

2011-12-24T12:31:00.000Z

I mean how do you know that you're really Scottish? Okay, it's easy enough if you live In Scotland, but what if you're somehow marooned in Foreign, far from your ain folk?
Thankfully, help is at hand...

For if you can watch the clip below featuring words by Burns, singing by Redpath, and a setting provided by film genius Terence Davies without greetin' like a big jessie then I think it's pretty clear you're deficient in the Scottishicity department.
Or maybe it's just me...

Holiday hellos to all JT readers of whatever nationality.
Be happy, be safe, do good.
See you next year.

I must admit,

2011-12-21T08:15:00.000Z

this took me a minute to appreciate but its worth the wait.
Thanks to Thunderbay Pete...

An Xmas tale

2011-12-19T08:22:00.004Z

Many years ago, fellow jagsters, when the world was made of wood and only came in black and white, your editor and SO found ourselves awaiting an operatic production in a hall, in an English town.

Imagine our disquiet, reader dear do, when we discovered that the tradition there in was to play the National Anthem (I told you it was a long time ago) at the commencement of proceedings and not at the conclusion. As you know the latter tradition deploys the opening bars of that hymn to the hereditary principle because it is guaranteed to clear a public place faster than a ringing fire alarm.
But, oh fuckin' no. In this hall, it was played at the start so your editor and SO endured a rather awkward moment with the metaphorical spotlight picking us out, courtesy of us being the only two people left sitting down. Whoo, awkward, as the young people are given to saying...

Which brings me to Songs of Praise, the BBC's weekly prime -time nod to God Bothering. If I happen upon it, in mid-bother as it were, I'm usually quick enough to flip away to another channel with something more interesting on, but last night I found myself caught. The show was on the end-credits and as I was waiting for the news I thought I'll just have to ride this out.

I'm so glad I did because the BBC played a trailer for next week's SoP which I helpfully transcribe in full below:

"Next week Aled (fat, Welsh singy bloke, given to bothering God in Welsh-sounding gibberish) introduces a spectacular Xmas Day big sing from the Royal Albert Hall. There'll be carols aplenty for everyone to sing and festive songs from star guest Chris de Burgh! (Chris De Burgh? Chris De Fuckin' Burgh? Quickly everyone gather round! Chris de Burgh's on the telly!)
So, put your feet up for a very special Songs of Praise and join Aled and 5000 singers for the perfect way to celebrate Xmas!"

Yes, that's right. A winter festival designed around the idea that God was made incarnate and came to Earth to save all our asses and what does the BBC want you to do? Put your feet up.
Now, although I'm no expert on the topic, I would've thought reflecting on The Advent required one to assume a prayerful position just to be on the safe side, but putting your feet up? That's just taking the piss isn't it?

"And Jesus walked among them saying, I am The Lord your God and everyone just needs to put their feet up and like chill..."

"Yes, this idea will definitely work..."

2011-12-14T10:18:00.000Z

Faced with sliding circulation figures, The Scotsman's management announced this week that the paper will revert to a traditional format with no supplements. A senior source at the paper told The JT." Apparently this internet thing is looking like being more than a passing fad, so we're having to rethink our business model."
It is thought that as part of the revamp, the paper will no longer feature "photographs", or as described by management " new-fangled lithographs". Below we have an exclusive look at the new format...

And as Scotland

2011-12-13T10:58:00.000Z

looks forward to (or else) a year of artistic creativity, Culture minister Fiona Hyslop employs her titanic intellect to understanding the distinction between representation and reality...

Inside: With apologies to the writers of Big Train.

Ooh look,

2011-12-08T17:41:00.002Z

isn't that sweet?
Two trucks apparently enjoying a good long rest at The Rest And Be Thankful. Its geographic/nominative irony that's what it is... Possibly.

Inside: Elsewhere on our storm-lashed isle: apparently a wind turbine toppled over in the wind.

When it comes to criticising

2011-12-07T09:17:00.000Z

China's human rights record, Alex Salmond, according to The Scotsman, is having a "friendly word" about it.

And with

2011-12-03T12:22:00.000Z

the Chinese giant pandas arriving any day now at Edinburgh Zoo, the zoo's management deny that the animals will be used to promote corporate brands...

And as Scotland

2011-12-01T07:13:00.000Z

goes down for the third and last time sinking below the surface of a rain-soaked country, we ask: can we get a couple of cheap gags out of a terrible situation?

Man calls AA:"When I say the car's engine is flooded what I mean is..."

Rail passengers enjoy complimentary, cooling and compulsory "foot spa experience."

Flood transforms Cumnock.

But river open...

I'm inordinately

2011-11-27T23:14:00.002Z

grateful to The Guardian's Saturday Guide for a feature on the wonders of the Teutonic retailer Aldi.
Apparently the said retailer sells something called Disco Biscuits. And yes, you'd be right in thinking that elsewhere, the term Disco Biscuits, has a meaning not a million miles away from describing certain illicit (ahem) "substances" marketed to the young people given to going clubbing.
Ebenezeer Goode indeed...

"Awright man? Waanting any disco biscuits for the night?"

This just in from The BBC

2011-11-26T11:36:00.000Z

Done and done...

Student Tory agrees burning Obama effigy "sent out wrong signal"

2011-11-23T06:49:00.001Z

As a shit storm gathers force around the St.Andrews University Conservative Association over the burning of an effigy of President Obama at a club bonfire, the president of the club moved swiftly to apologise.
Pausing only for a minute to adjust his cravat, club chairman The Right Honourable Guy Gap Yahr told The JT:" We'd like to apologise unreservedly for the burning in effigy of a famous African American statesman, we now recognise that this sent out the wrong signal.On reflection, the correct course of action would have been to lynch the effigy which was what our American cousins did to uppity coons back in the good old days. Thank you".

And as

2011-11-21T11:51:00.000Z

the Largs based Euro winner lottery winners announce plan to donate £1m to the SNP, there's good news too for a local business as the couple settle a long standing debt...

Ooh er missus...

2011-11-15T15:59:00.000Z

"Entryism? Ooh, the sauce!"

Absolutely all kudos goes to The Scotsperson hack reporting that Tommy Sheridan's press officer is defecting to the SNP.
Specifically, the paragraph that reads : "Former Labour MEP Mr Kerr told The Scotsman he had held talks with Sheridan during a prison visit to his former boss, whom he insisted was “very sympathetic” to his decision to join the SNP.He also said that there “could well be” other members of Solidarity planning to defect to the SNP, a move which could see left wingers entering Mr Salmond’s party in a similar tactic used in the 1980s and 1990s to influence Labour by far left groups such as the Militant Tendency."

The temptation to note that Tommy is an acknowledged expert on, and practitioner of, differing (ahem) "variants" of entryism must've been nearly overwhelming...
Well done for exercising such restraint.

If you squint

2011-11-12T08:58:00.000Z

really, really hard,, you can just about make this tit look like a cheek and nose.
Well done The NHS in Scotland, what need have you for checking a layout before sending everything off to the printers?

Davidson to offer Fraser "big job", Fraser to consider options, not excluding suicide.

2011-11-08T07:09:00.000Z

Walking holiday-enjoyer and new Tory leader in Scotland Ruth Davidson is to offer defeated rival Murdo Fraser a "big job" in her new team. She told The JT, "You can see from the diagram I've supplied, that I'll be asking Murdo to form a vital, important integral part of the Tory campaign to continue being a complete irrelevance in Scottish politics.

At the time of writing Mr Fraser was said to be considering his options up to and including sticking a Glock 9 in his mouth and just being done with it all.

Elsewhere, Ms Davidson revealed her new weapon in the coming political battles. As seen below, if required she can deploy her "Oxter of Radiance", an intense beam of light emanating from her armpit, that will destroy her enemies utterly and allow her to reign unchallenged as Queen Of The Underworld (North British Branch) for countless millennia or until such time as she gets dumped by the activists.

A somewhat analogous process has also been known to occur

2011-11-07T08:24:00.002Z

in other, more intimate, interpersonal contexts.
Although, of course, I wouldn't know anything about that... Oh no.

Inside: And this just in, ( if you'll pardon the expression) , the company responsible has offered to put on another display free later in the month. Presumably along the lines of, " Listen, I'm really sorry about that, just give me a minute and I'll be ready to give it another go..."

Davidson victory, " A triumph for happiness"

2011-11-04T17:49:00.002Z

Long term Tory activist Flora McMargarine, (pictured left), expressed delight to The JT on the news that Ruth Davidson had been elected as leader of the party in Scotland.
"I thought the other candidates didn't stress often enough how important it was to have an optimistic, happy outlook in life, unlike Ruth who cheerfully admitted to being gay all the time. That's the spirit!"
Flora expressed her heartfelt wish that Ruth meets Mr Right soon because she doesn't want any nasty rumours to start, like the rumours surrounding (rest of sentence removed on legal advice)...

Just in case Mr Right doesn't know how to find Ruth...

Ladies,avert your gaze now

2011-11-02T08:30:00.004Z

for fear you might faint clean away....
Apart from producing the best scatological satire on the planet, Viz, I've just discovered, are on that thing the young people call Facebook. And unlike 99.99% of FB accounts this one is actually worth looking at. Not least the couple of pages featuring pictures sent in by readers. And as an added bonus, some of the comments appended are really funny too.
An example below, and below the example, a helpful link to all the merriment. Enjoy.
Ladies should look away now.

Inside:http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.115083725219750.14844.115082048553251&type=3

From The Scotsperson, sort of

2011-10-31T08:44:00.001Z

Scarlett goes cruising in Glasgow
Published on Saturday 29 October 2011 22:08
GLASGOW shoppers did a double take yesterday when they spotted Hollywood star Scarlett Johansson cruising around in her now trademark white transit van.Shooting scenes for her sci-fi alien horror film Under the Skin, the 26-year-old (pictured) and her FilmNation crew did their best to blend in with the city crowds.
What shoppers didn't know was that the film shoot is an elaborate cover story to conceal the real reason for Johansson's visit - to exploit Scotland's elderly.
A movie insider told The JT: "Between takes, Scarlett is always driving off in her van, cruising the area's housing estates looking for OAPS to scam."
It is said that when Ms Johansson spots a car with a disabled sticker on it in a driveway, she will try to persuade the usually elderly home owner that they have loose roof slates needing fixing or some other scam.
Effie McGeriatric told The JT: "You can imagine my surprise when I opened the door to find the star of Lost in Translation there offering to tar our driveway cheap for cash because she had a spare ton left over from another job."
Police are warning elderly residents to be suspicious of Hollywood A-listers impersonating utility company staff in an attempt to gain access to the home. A spokeshelmet commented : "When Brad Pitt was in Glasgow filming his zombie movie we had reports of him going door to door between takes, in a boiler suit, claiming to be there to read the gas meter. One elderly resident remarked: "He was awfie plausible, I had him in to read the gas meter and ahm aw electric."

Scarlett "Strictly cash only" Johansson

Inside: With apologies to Mrs Brady and Elton John.And David Furnish.

"Can fuckin' Alex Salmond do this?Well,can he? Can he?"

2011-10-29T16:32:00.001+01:00

Iain Gray, outgoing Labour leader in Scotland, used the platform of a special hustings conference to dedicate the future leader to "saving devolution".

On concluding his speech, Mr Gray entertained delegates with his extensive range of children's party favourites remarking :"Fuckin' Salmond cannae dae this, kinnee? Prick."

As you know

2011-10-25T12:12:00.001+01:00

reader dear, I never pass up the opportunity to be shocked, really shocked, on your behalf. Honestly, the filth I get sent and I'm expected to re-post, willy and indeed nilly.
Seriously, thanks to Our Man In The Frozen North,Thunder Bay Pete for sharing the below.
I knew winters in N.Ont were long but even so... (Apologies, as the actress no doubt said to the bishop, if it's a bit squint...)

Its from The BBC, more or less,

2011-10-21T18:55:00.000+01:00

so it must be true. More or less...

and in

2011-10-19T17:54:00.000+01:00

his statement to The Commons, Dr Fox laid the blame for his resignation at the feet of what he described as "a vindictive media."
(ahem)...

Go on, admit it, you thought so too...part two

2011-10-16T17:18:00.000+01:00

Insert own "where's your beard then?"
gag here.

(ahem)....

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/collections/p007jyx1#p007n12s

Is your tea oot?

2011-10-14T09:52:00.002+01:00

With boundary changes promising some very entertaining political fratricide to come, we ask the MPs- is your tea oot?

BUT WHAT DO THE MPs THINK?
A Mr D.Alexander from Paisley and Renfrewshire South says:"Based on the reworking of the boundaries it looks like I'm fucked with a double-helping of fucked-upness on top. Looks like I'll be shifting to a senior role in a large Scottish voluntary organisation that exists solely to provide soft landings for ex-politicians."
Another D.Alexander, this time from somewhere in the frozen north says: " Bollocks. It looks like I'll have to fight my cousin in gingerness, Charles Kennedy, for dibbs on one remaining seat. By the time the election come around in 2015, the Westminster Coalition will be reduced to feeding new born babies into a furnace to keep the bankers warm and I'll have to explain to my torn-faced in-bred constituents why this is a good thing. I'm so fucked.
I wonder if there are any jobs going in that tree protection outfit I used to write the occasional press release for?"
A Mr C.Kennedy, also from up north says: " Sorry, what?"
A Mr D.Mundell from Dumfries and Galloway writes:" Speaking as the only Tory MP in Scotland I'd just like to say thank you and goodnight."

Go on, admit it, you thought so too...

2011-10-11T10:30:00.003+01:00

Again addressing that JT cohort just back from Mars and/or living in real Foreign, not England Foreign, you might have missed the recent disquiet surrounding East-Kilbride born Defence Minister Liam Fox and his long-term friend Adam Werritty.
I don't want to rehearse the detail here, that's what the web's for, but there is some question about Fox 's relationship with the guy and access to sensitive government material, possible misrepresentation and financial gain, yadda, yadda and indeed yadda.
Needless to say, we're much more interested in the prurient mileage to be had in reviewing media coverage of the matter.

Back last week, the story broke, and my eye was caught by the photograph that it has turned out has subsequently topped or tail most reporting on the story . You know the one, (or variants thereof):

I swear to Christ, on seeing the photograph prior to reading the story my first reaction was "Fucking hell! I didn't know Liam Fox was gay!". Which of course, lets make this very clear, he very definitely isn't.
The photograph above doesn't in fact record a Mr and Mr civil partnership ceremony as I, and the rest of the known universe, initially surmised.
No, the above records the happy day when Mr Werritty acted as best man at the wedding of Dr Fox to a lady. So that's clear then. What's less clear is why I can't find wedding days snaps where said lady does feature. Perhaps these other pics aren't in the public domain or she was away having a smoke outside. Anyway, moving on...

What's interesting about this pic and other variants is the ubiquity of its use in the papers. A by no means exhaustive list shows the image being used time and again in The Daily Mail, The Telegraph and The Daily Express, (ahem) "newspapers" usually thought to act in the Conservative interest and least likely to feature,cough, images featuring a senior Tory politician that might be subject to more than one interpretation. Strange days indeed.
Of course there's been a lot of interwebular gossip concerning Dr Fox's preferences, but what hasn't been under dispute is the guy's previous as an unreconstructed Thatcherite. In fact he happily had the sainted Maggie along to a recent party, so no problems with being seen as the nasty party there then.
A million years ago, Anthony Barnett wrote a book about The Falklands War contextualised as part of the cultural apparatus of Thatcherism. He referred in particular to a famous shot of Maggie, dressed up as a tank commander, sticking her head out of an army tank. He remarked at the time that a male politician would never have got away with that pose because he would've looked totally camp... Y-e-s.
Have a look at his shot of our Liam, and bear in mind that Liam is a medical doctor, professionally and supposedly personally committed to the welfare of fellow human beings. Could this setup be any camper or more horrible?

Police show "admirable restraint", it says here...

2011-10-10T15:09:00.002+01:00

"Oi! Girlie! Step away from the ice cream now!"

A Glasgow man has received a warning after being caught flagrantly taking a photograph of his daughter in a shopping centre. Police from Strathclyde's crack Counter Terrorism ( Taking Photographs) Unit were called to the city's Braehead Shopping centre to investigate.

A spokesplodmp5 for the unit told The JT:" In giving this man a talking to, the unit acted with commendable restraint. We could've ended up looking like complete wankers, which mercifully we haven't. Not at all. Ordinarily, in these circumstances we would have implemented our SOP with respect to suspicious activity- the controlled explosion of everyone in a ten mile radius."
Professor Beaker of Stirling's Centre For The Study Of Everything commented:" It is heartening to know that in these times of heightened international tension that the Braehead Centre security staff and the police can act so swiftly and effectively to really fuck up someone's day. Well done everyone."

As you know, dear reader

2011-10-07T11:36:00.001+01:00

because I've repeated myself often enough, I'm not one to intrude on private grief, even when it's on very public display.
However.
If you've been on Mars for the last few days you may have missed the news that Wayne Rooney pere has been helping the Liverpool bizzies with their enquiries relating to certain (ahem) irregularities surrounding betting on a Motherwell/Hearts game last season. Wayne Senior, Dad of the spud-faced striker was pictured entering court the other day. Here he is:

"Deydodatdontdeydo?"

Leaving to one side the rather obvious observation that the gentleman featured is unlikely to feature as the subject of an oil painting any time soon, (unless Edvard Munch reappears from the other side), it is crystal clear that Paw Rooney is missing a trick.
In the manner of the Victorians who reckoned you could spot a criminal face, I would confidently put forward Mr Rooney's coupon anytime the OED wishes to illustrate the dictionary's definition of scally, in turn, usefully linking to the terms scrote, snide and going on the rob.

I'm sure there's a moral

2011-10-06T07:01:00.001+01:00

buried away in this story from That BBC Scotland but I can't be bothered looking for it.
Instead, we read:

And of course we then immediately try to access this eaterie's website,only to find:

One

2011-10-05T11:41:00.005+01:00

for that admittedly vanishingly small, Breaking Bad/Half Life/Jaggy Thistle crossover demographic...

Inside: I'm looking for a non red-ring of death X Box 360 if you're throwing one out, y'all.

Yes Annabel, wishes really do come true...

2011-10-02T17:55:00.000+01:00

Hang on, this must be some kind of mistake.

2011-10-01T08:28:00.001+01:00

Same story: private school roll levels in Scotland. Two national newspapers, headlines spinning in opposite directions.
How can this be? I mean its almost like there's the truth, which is like, out there, and then there are interpretations of the truth in the media. No, I must've got that wrong. Right?
From The Hardup:

And from The Skintsman:

This just in...

2011-09-29T14:46:00.000+01:00

Just so we're all clear

2011-09-28T06:57:00.000+01:00

on this Christianity thing. (Thanks to Joe)

If you have tears to shed

2011-09-25T07:22:00.002+01:00

prepare to shed them now.
In the face of the worst financial crisis in the station's history, Scotland On Sunday reports that BBC Scotland is to shed 150 jobs.
In reality, this means that living members and generations yet unborn of the Magnusson dynasty will not now merely walk into staff gigs at Pacific Quay as before. And now, dry your eyes, for it is time to move on.
For in other great news, River City, is to be (ahem) "scaled back". I was holding out hope that The Soap Naebody Watches might have been "scaled down", thus providing work for thespians of diminished stature, but no.
It appears that instead the Scottish viewing public will enjoy a reduction in the number of times those opening titles on screen has the nation reaching for the remote while muttering "Ahm no watching this pish", electing instead to watch a fascinating 26 part documentary over on BBC2 about paint drying.

Just very, very occasionally

2011-09-23T12:28:00.000+01:00

God looks fondly upon your editor and says "Go on mate, have a go at this." Such was the case this very day, dear reader, when Lord Snooty announced a "Great " Britain poster and postcard campaign to boost (ahem) "The UK" ahead of the London Olympics. Y-ee-ss.
I think we shall return more than once to a theatrical production that is really about Southern England with brief walk on parts for "Oop North" and Scotland.And, as far as I can see, Wales and NI don't even get a spear to carry. Nae luck.

Unfortunately, its deja vu all over again

2011-09-21T15:06:00.000+01:00

This from BBC Scotland today:

And this from The Jaggy back in March 2005:

"Cow Toffee" : fundamental particle falls victim to healthy diet craze.
The worlds of toffee confectionery and dentistry were united in mourning this week on the news that McCowans of Stenhousemuir, purveyors of dentally challenging sweeties to generations of Scots, has gone into receivership.The current management of the firm blame the trend towards healthy eating for a slump in sales of the company’s products and as JT readers of a certain age can readily attest, the firm’s famous Cow Toffee does not score highly on the healthy eating front. Who can forget that magic moment of ecstasy on applying one’s molars to the light brown slab of dark matter only to have your teeth crumble in defeat?
As Professor Beaker of The Good Old Days Studies at Aberdeen now recalls : "I well mind when Scotland’s streets were littered with half chewed bits of Cow’s Toffee, their surface pitted with the dark grey remains of dental filling that been pulled out of the plaque stained remains of the nation’s juvenile teeth. Happy days"
But fear not, for even if the fads of fashion dictate the demise of McCowans, Cow Toffee will go on - indeed, as another Professor Beaker, top physics boffin, now explains, Cow Toffee holds the universe together:"At the sub-atomic level, way below the level of neutrons and quarks, an electron microscope of unimaginable power may one day confirm what we scientists already believe - at root, matter is composed of serried ranks of slabs upon slabs of Cow Toffee. Cow Toffee is the fundamental particle. And I’d just like to make it clear that I’m not related to the other Professor Beaker previously cited in this completely made-up article." Inside: Nostalgia corner: Remember "Lucky Bags"? As in: you’ll be "lucky" if you don’t break all your teeth on the contents, that kind of lucky…

Fuck me! You wouldn't shag it would you?

2011-09-19T11:25:00.000+01:00

Caption not even added on legal advice

The gentleman on the right of the picture to your left, is Mr Brian Soutar, a very, very rich man.
I "borrowed" the photograph from Brian's website, of which more below, but let us first turn our attention to Brian's latest utterance.

If The Scotsman is to be believed, serial God Botherer Brian is exercised over the amount of "recreational" sex his fellow Scots get up to.
And believe me, he means "fellow" Scots, because Brian has form in terms of not living and let living when it comes to gay people. On a personal note, can I just say that I wouldn't look upon having sex with Brian as a recreational activity, I think it would be more like work, but anyway.

As of last week, Brian was loudly complaining that Google were "blocking" access to his own personal website, I didn't realise that Google had started blocking websites on the basis of total, self-promoting banality, but you live and learn.
Anyway, here's the link to Brian's personal website, fill your boots:http://www.briansouter.com/

Whoa! Canada!

2011-09-14T13:16:00.000+01:00

I had resolved not to mention the Rugby World Cup, currently being played in the middle of the night for some reason, in That New Zealand.

As the reader of The JT will recall, however vaguely, before the nice nurse comes round with the blue circular ones, I have in the taken the opportunity afforded by the RWC in the past to have a piss-ripping session directed at YOU KNOW WHO.
Unfortunately, any time I've exercised my oh-so-cleverness, England either won or nearly won. This state of affairs is what we scientists call A VERY BAD THING.

So, I hope I'm not fucking myself over by asking you to check out the photo below of Canuck flanker, Adam Kleeburger.
Isn't that the best beard ever?

I've checked his biog, and nowhere can I find mention of his leisure time pursuit of playing guitar in the band, formed in tribute to a certain brand of heads- down, no- nonsense -Texas- boogie. The name of the Canuck tribute band?
Why, ZZ Toque, of course.

Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man, apparently...

Barrel, like shooting fish in a

2011-09-12T12:10:00.000+01:00

Pot, kettle, black.
Expert on meaninglessness, pointlessness knocks one out of the park...
(From the BBC)

Catholic Church in anti-gay marriage stance...

Archbishop Conti said at the weekend that same-sex marriages would be "meaningless".

The Archbishop of Glasgow said allowing gay couples to marry in a traditional sense would be pointless as it would not result in the creation of a "natural family".

While a spokesmortarboard

2011-09-09T08:51:00.001+01:00

for St. Andrews University conceded that setting fees for English students at £9000 per year might seem high, the university was implementing a series of concessions and discounts tailored towards meeting the unusual day to day living supports required by the average student of the university.

And this just in

2011-09-08T07:47:00.000+01:00

Northern coastal toilet John O'Groats, recipient of numerous awards for its dumpness, is to undergo a three stage renovation process.

John O' Groats: al fresco bog.

Stage one.

Do try to keep up

2011-09-05T19:29:00.002+01:00

"I was thinking of more of a fuschia shade"

With the Forth Rail Bridge finally painted forever, my so-called rivals are now searching for a new metaphor to describe a never ending task. Metaphor and simile, we got there first. This from February 2008.

Forth Rail Bridge paint job finishes : search for new simile begins

Engineers working on the historic Forth Railway Bridge confirmed this week that it will no longer be necessary to continuously re-paint the iconic structure.
It is thought that over time, the long-lasting paint will save cash, but, in the short-term the news has sparked the search for a replacement simile as Professor You-Should-Know-Who-By-This-Time now explains:
"For generations, Scottish children have been encultured into understanding the parameters of a task that is, by its very nature, unending, through use of the painting the Forth Railway Bridge simile. With that simile cruelly rendered redundant by uncaring scientists fucking about and improving paint technology, its like a massive flow of lava has been poured into the heart of our culture, burning it to ashes.
OK, I know we're only one simile short but I thought you'd want a really dramatic simile."
The search now begins to find a suitable replacement simile that communicates the idea of being engaged in a never-ending task. "We could revert to using the Augean stables simile but that one is foreign in origin and therefore rubbish."
It is to be hoped that JT readers will think up and send in suitable replacement similes over the coming weeks, months, years and millennia, because the editor of The JT is completely blanking on it.
It is thought the search for an appropriate new simile will be like doing something that's really hard.
Meanwhile, industrial archaeologists have unearthed the real reason why the bridge has traditionally been re-painted continuously. Here is an extract from the journal of the bridge engineer on the day the structure was completed:
"With the last rivet in place, the last tie secured, today should have been a day for celebration, as I intended when I invited my lady wife to view the bridge, truly a wonder of the age. Imagine the sense of crushing disappointment when she merely sniffed disdainfully and remarked: "Well, I don't like the colour very much…"
Inside: Search for new simile likely to be Herculean task. Or do I mean metaphor?

Re-brand Scots Tories?

2011-09-05T10:21:00.000+01:00

Yes, Murdo, that would work, absolutely .
You should definitely do that.

Before re-brand- average Scottish perception of The Tories:

After re-brand as "Fluffy, Wuffy, Bunnies Party":

"Listen! Did you hear that as well?"-spectral entity to stand for Labour Leadership.

2011-09-03T12:38:00.000+01:00

Johann Lamont, yesterday, possibly.
I mean, who really knows, right?

Things are definitely going bump in the night this week, as a spectral entity has announced, its, her, intention to stand for the post of Labour Party leader in Scotland.
A Ms Johann Lamont, who apparently is actually a real person, will contest the race for the top job.

At a press conference held to declare her, its, candidacy, assembled hacks waited in vain, as Ms Lamont failed to appear in corporeal form, along one of the journalists present did report feeling a bit of chill in the neck at one point.

At Holyrood itself, staff manning the building are none the wiser.one spokesjannie spoke to The JT: " Johann Lamont? Nut, never heard of her. I mean there's a spectral presence here now and again, that you might catch a glimpse of just out the corner of your eye, but that's it. Lamont? Are you sure she works here, aye?"
Ms Lamont who appears to have risen without trace, sunk and then rose again, fully realises that she will have to raise her profile amongst fellow party members to have any chance of success. It is thought that Ms Lamont intends to cover herself in a white sheet and float about going "whooooo".

Because you're well read dear reader,

2011-09-01T13:38:00.000+01:00

you recall that the American satirist Tom Lehrer declared the art form redundant when Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for basically bombing the shit out of Cambodia.
I think someone need to get Tom on the phone. Right. Fucking. Now...

Oh dear (from a Scottish town)

2011-08-30T09:02:00.001+01:00

Branding an offie thus must have seemed like a really good idea, right up 'til precisely the 23rd of July 2011...

Waterloo Road comes north, River City goes south

2011-08-24T08:12:00.002+01:00

In what is being seen as a really good idea, BBC Scotland's (ahem) "flagship" drama production River City is to relocate production from Glasgow to the small affluent Sussex hamlet of Much Puddling In The Marsh.
The move come after the BBC network announced that school soap Waterloo Road would head north from its current production in Manchesterford*.

A spokesdaddygotmein for The BBC told The JT :"The move of the production north will provide 250 new technical posts on Waterloo Road, while the move south of River City will mean that hundreds of people who can act nane will mercifully just fuck right aff south."

While we're on Planet Luvvie, I note from The Herald that Brad and Angelina visited the Macintosh designed Hill House in Helensburgh because, er, Bradney, is a big architecture fan.

The copy for the feature reads as follows. This from Ms Lorna Hepburn, The House manager: "We treated them with the same courtesy we would extend to any visitor and let them enjoy their tour without intrusion or interruption"

Which all sounds perfectly normal and everyday right? Er no. Because in the very next sentence oor Lorna's records that : "After they'd gone we all felt exhausted"
"Exhausted"?
Lorna! What were you up to?

Inside: *Department of Obscure references. Manchesterford? Any takers?

"Oh Mr Pitt! What ever shall we do if Angelina comes back from the toilet unexpectedly?
Oh, alright then, but hurry, we'll need to be quick."

From The Scotsbaby

2011-08-22T06:08:00.001+01:00

TV girls' four little rays of sunshine Gail McGrane, Judith Ralston and Gillian Smart made the headlines last year, when they all become pregnant and took maternity leave at the same time.

Concern was growing last night that there might be something in the water at BBC Scotland as it was revealed that the forecasters hired to replace the three ladies were also now pregnant. A spokeswithchild told The JT: "Cat Cubie we can understand but the two blokes we hired are up the duff as well. Fuckin' weird or what?"

I'm ashamed to admit

2011-08-18T20:19:00.000+01:00

it but I only picked up on the gem below via Private Eye's "Riotballs" a collection of clippings throwing a lot of heat but not a lot of light on the recent unpleasantness in London.
It might not be up there with The Courier's past historical record of (ahem) " localising" the impact of cataclysmic events, but its an honourable addition to that proud headline record that includes :" Torry man grows giant marrow" - on the day WW1 was declared.
Michty me etc.

Fuck me, that's a bit harsh.

2011-08-15T10:21:00.000+01:00

(From the BBC)"Brad Pitt zombie filming begins"

I mean, I know he's got a limited range in terms of expression and cadence but I would've thought describing him as a zombie is a bit harsh. Oh wait, I've just read on in the story. Just forget I said anything....

And while we're here. The BBC story sub-headed with "the rise of the bedroom games developer" isn't nearly as intriguingly salacious as it sounds.Its just about computer games. Tsk.

The little

2011-08-13T10:13:00.001+01:00

humour to be had out of what, let's face it, has been a pretty dire week, comes as usual from the bizarre mash ups that only reality can come up with. Item: the two kids in Dundee arrested for inciting a riot in Dundee via Facebook. A riot? In Dundee?
Anyone who has every been in that charming post-industrial riverside hamlet of a Friday evening knows that the locals need no instruction in activities carnivale. Every night's riot night in the City of Despondency. Now there's a marketing slogan!

And Cameron and Johnson were both stridently attacking the whole practice of gang culture. You know where a group of young men, band together in distinctive, weird dress to behave badly without thought or care for consequences.
Oh,hang on...

Selective perception.(From The BBC)

2011-08-10T19:13:00.000+01:00

One of the most extraordinary sights at the Edinburgh Fringe this year is the Mirazozo, a giant inflatable that is illuminated by natural light.

Every morning the mass of silver plastic is blown-up and transformed into a huge shining structure of domes and tunnels.

It is designed to enhance and alter the audience's visual perceptions.

But only to a certain extent. The uterinally-enabled and innocent children may have their visual perceptions challenged, but most screaming heterosexual men will just say:" Look at the giant tits!"

God knows I'm not one

2011-08-09T16:48:00.000+01:00

to intrude on private grief, especially in the context of the current (ahem)"unpleasantness" in That London, however...
If you every wanted to illustrate the meaning of the expression "so and so having their arse handed to them", you could do no better than direct interest to this news footage of London mayor Boris Johnson desperately attempting to deal with hecklers.
And failing desperately to so deal.

We've all met them.

2011-08-07T12:35:00.001+01:00

We'd now like to sing Fuck Da Police

Those perfectly polite, friendly people who are just a wee bit too intense and over-think the fun out of everything. We came across the clip below while looking for ways to walk up Ben Lawers. As in "ways to walk up Ben Lawers without buying a route map."
Anyone who thinks, like me, that the narrator is channelling the spirit of Keith out of Leigh's Nuts in May must be way older than they look.

This "news" certainly puts trivial things

2011-08-03T19:15:00.000+01:00

like chronic war, global poverty and disease into perspective does it no?

Seriously dude, who gives a fuck?

Alles ist klar, nicht wahr?

2011-08-03T12:20:00.004+01:00

The reader of The JT might recall that I speculated on these ,er, pages a few weeks back why a perfectly nice German couple might want to move to Scotland. The post looked a bit like this.

Anyway, you'll no doubt recall that I burbled on a bit about context, a theme which which was subsequently taken up by another reader of The JT (Two readers! Two!) who wrote in from That Germany to explain why someone from Frankfurt might want to move to Scotland.
I'm very carefully avoiding identifying this individual for reasons that are about to become all too apparent. Suffice to say I think I can confidently confirm that its unlikely this person works for the local tourist board.
Can I also stress that this is not my opinion, I'm just reporting it. I trust all is clear...

"Dear Jaggy,

I was most amused by your article about the visiting Germans the other day. As you say, it's all about context. The "OF" on the car's numberplate means that they come from Offenbach rather than Frankfurt per se. Offenbach is a city of around 120,000 souls to the east of Frankfurt & is seen by Frankfurt rather as "Apache Country", with high levels of unemployment and crime.

In fact your first impression of them being Govanites is not too far off the mark. Offenbach used to be an industrial powerhouse before we bombed the crap out of it in the war. Nowadays there's only a couple of chemical factories and a lot of kebab shops left. As a native born Glaswegian, even I drive through there wi' the windaes up."

"Gr-eat"

2011-08-02T07:47:00.001+01:00

I see that freelancer Stephen Duffy,according to The Scotsperson, fronted BBC Scotland's news programmes when regular, NUJ hacks, went on strike to protest redundancies at the Corporation.

For those of you living in Foreign, Mr Duffy also fronts the station's jazz programming but that is not the only string to his bow.

Oh no.

Again, according to the paper, he also works full-time in marketing for the Scottish Symphony Orchestra. And lets not forget that, in addition, he freelances on the Fred MacAulay week-day bore-fest as well.

Th JT learns that emboldened by his helpful attitude towards the suits at the station, Mr Duffy is to pitch a new programme idea- Scab Club.

Nice.

"Careful,men.This looks suspiciously easy.We could be walking right into a tr..."

2011-08-01T08:07:00.001+01:00

If memory serves

2011-07-28T09:25:00.000+01:00

but I'm not quite sure, because I can't quite remember, a line from Battlestar Galactica insisted that :"All of this has happened before and will happen again."
Which I think nodded to the fact that the unfolding events in BSG were pre-ordained and replayed endlessly through all eternity. Or something.

I'm a bit vague on this point, because the big blond sex-robot wan got a lot of screen time and I found her presence very distracting .
Or something.

Anyway, all this BSG reverie was brought on by the news feature on The BBC Scotland site reporting that the Glasgow Science Centre's famous rotating tower is now famous for never rotating and never being open.
Cue calls for an enquiry, public executions etc.
Which in turn reminded me that this had all happened before, yadda, yadda, on the pages of the old Jaggy Thistle back in August 2003.

"Troubled Tower Testimony To Tits-up Technology.
The good news this week is that the Glasgow Science Centre welcomed its millionth visitor - the bad news is that the tower thing is still shut.
With no sign of the landmark structure reopening after it disobligingly started to sink into the ground a few weeks after being completed, staff at the Centre are now pondering reassigning meaning to the structure.
Initially seen as a visual metaphor celebrating Man’s technological aspirations, it is now thought that the tower will now remain shut - in mute testimony to the number of times Man makes a right arse of something.
As Professor Beaker of Dundee’s Centre for The Study of Face-Saving U-Turns explains:"This might work, we need to be reminded from time to time that our race’s technological endeavours come to aught. But we’re not alone in this, God created man as his supreme accomplishment and look at the arse-up The Deity made of that one." It is thought that the Centre will mount an exhibition picking up on the tits-up theme. Included will be a selection of items bought from PoundStretcher, famous for looking the part but never actually working.

There were plans to feature items bought from More Stores but those never even made it out of the shoap before turning to a useless pile of plastic crud."

This from The BBC

2011-07-26T15:19:00.000+01:00

It's not the implied irony of a tax advice worker doing the benefits system.
It's the look on her face outside court.

She doesn't look that fussed does she?

Normal disrespectful, stupid, cheap gag service will be resumed later...

2011-07-25T09:27:00.001+01:00

But for now:

All human, all Norwegian.

What I love

2011-07-22T07:43:00.002+01:00

about this scary news from MSNBC.com is how understated the sub-heading is.
"Could interfere with shipping" is a masterpiece of calm understatement in describing the possible impact of a lump of ice THE FUCKIN' SIZE OF FUCKIN' MANHATTAN!
Canadians eh? You've gotta love them.

I think

2011-07-21T16:24:00.002+01:00

we can safely assume that this link to a "news" feature is a bit tongue in both cheeks since its from The Guardian's website. It reminded me of a letter into the paper many years ago that opened innocently enough with :" I see Princess Margaret is on holiday this week," but finished with, "On holiday from what exactly?"
Miaow...

Not ripped, not sorted

2011-07-20T08:42:00.002+01:00

You know how it's said that taking an instant dislike to someone means you can save lots of time later?
Take a look at these chaps.
I can't find a way of embedding the clip from a few days ago (the link is below but) but basically it's a couple of minutes of them saying they were going to kayak all the way from Lerwick to Norway and how tough it was going to be what with the high winds and big waves expected. All delivered in that confident accent of those given to the English persuasion - you know the one, the way everyone in Ullapool seems to speak.

Anyway, guess what happened. Go on, have a guess.

That's right, they had to give up after a couple of hours because of high winds and big waves.
And like earlier in the week, my thoughts turned Fast Showwards with "The Offroaders" confidently asserting what was just going to happen just before instantly fuckin' it up.

I know I should be more understanding, seeing how they were doing it for charity and all, but still, I just felt that emotion, you know the one, the Germans have got a word for it. Starts with an "S".

Inside: If it's still up, the clip is at:http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-14185875

Christ knows,

2011-07-19T11:16:00.000+01:00

your esteemed editor is no oil painting, but one can imagine the anguished cries emanating from Westminster, when Cathy Jamieson MP clocks the photo the BBC used to title a feature.

Something along the lines of "Whaur did they get that photee of my Mum? Oh, Christ in heaven! That's no me is it?"
Might I suggest that you don't get between Cathy and the moisturising unguent section in Boots in what I imagine will be the very near future...

"Oil of Olay please, industrial strength."

Go on admit it,

2011-07-17T12:12:00.002+01:00

I bet you were thinking it as well.
Below is a snap of the Ayrshire couple who won 162 million of your earth pounds on The Euro Lottery. Tell me you didn't look at the couple, clearly suffering from (ahem) "salad-intolerance" and say to yourself: " Oh well, at least now they'll be able to afford a decent meal..."

Oh, but then it gets worse. Apparently, this couple, who've just won over £160m remember, fully intend to buy another lottery ticket for next week and forever and ever after that.
And if that bit of information didn't remind you of this, then you're clearly younger than you look . (Its about 1 minute or so in)...

I don't mind doing obvious,

2011-07-13T09:15:00.003+01:00

sometimes doing obvious is the right thing...

Its easy done...

2011-07-11T17:15:00.001+01:00

Summertime, and the living is easy etc
You're doing the layout for the online story about Romanov and you drop the same photo in three times over.
Its easy done...

Arf

2011-07-10T12:54:00.000+01:00

I don't need to explain this do I?

More at:http://scottishcrucible.wordpress.com/

As my

2011-07-09T10:09:00.000+01:00

old philosophy tutor at Oxford would've no doubt told me, if I'd gone to Oxford, "JT editor, dear boy, context is crucial to understanding."
How very true. Imagine the scene, dear reader do, just a few scant hours ago when we pulled into a picnic stop on the banks of Loch Tay. I first spot this gentleman, at the entrance to the stop just standing about.
"Ah, ha," thinks I, " Day tripper fae Govan, I'll be bound."
Because he looked like this:

But then I spot him a few minutes later, fully contextualised, like this:

It turns out, dear reader, that him and his Lady Frau are of the Germanic persuasion, from Frankfurt, and they cheerfully spend every waking hour either in Scotland or thinking about Scotland.
The gentleman concerned has gone as far as to convince himself that he was Scottish in a past life. So severe has their collective mania become that they fully intend moving to Scotland when resources allow. And no, they don't actually mind the weather...
So context is all for understanding. When I first spotted the guy I thought he looked a bit mental, after informative discussions I now confidently conclude that he's completely mental.
And so's his wife.

While

2011-07-04T20:10:00.000+01:00

less enlightened members of the Scottish community might wish to mark the border between ourselves and Them with a 200ft Vickie inscribed with "get it right up ye" in Latin, thankfully a more considered choice has been made to mark our shared border at Gretna.
Isn't this a lovely idea?

Apparently the planned sculpture is called "Star of Caledonia", embodying our creative, scientific spirit. And the term for the overall effect is "starburst".
Unfortunately, funding might prove problematic, so might we suggest a cost-effective compromise? Please, applause isn't required, we're just trying to help out.

One photograph, two possible captions, a universe of competing interpretations

2011-07-03T07:53:00.000+01:00

(From Skintsman on Sunday)

From The Hardup

2011-07-02T07:22:00.000+01:00

Bid to give Scotland control of time zone

OUT OF STEP: The time in Glasgow and elsewhere in Scotland could differ from England. Wow, that's amazing, so "time" itself would actually be different then? Fuck me. Picture: Martin Shields

SCOTLAND could be given the power to change its time zones under proposals laid out by peers.

First Minister Alex Salmond told The JT:" This is just the first step." Mr Salmond has long argued that Scotland will never flourish unless all powers are devolved to Holyrood- including the power to control space and time itself.

It is thought that Mr Salmond is meeting with The Lord Of All The World next week to negotiate transfer of the power required to fundamentally alter the space-time matrix.

Mr Salmond said:" Talking about the meeting in terms of next week is a bit of a simplification since, in a very real sense, Our Creator exists, atemporally, beyond our common sense understanding of space and time. However, that paradox apart I'm looking forward to meeting with the King of Kings and exchanging ideas."

It is thought that Mr Salmond will take the opportunity afforded of meeting with Alpha,Omega to reassure the diety that he, she or it would still be worshipped in an independent Scotland.

"As I said to Her Majesty the Queen only last week, she has nothing to fear from Scottish independence, to which she replied, and I thought this was really funny, "I don't have to worry about anything, you horrible little oik, I'm incredibly fuckin' wealthy, now fuck off out of it before I have you flogged," which I found very funny although I didn't really understand what she meant."

Her Royal Graciousness was in Edinburgh this week to officially start the new term at Holyrood which will now promptly shut for the summer. The sprightly octogenarian participated in something called "The Riding" which turned out to be something to do with fuckin' about with horses and not nearly as interesting as a first glance at the name suggested.

Her MajesticFabulosity departed Edinburgh in a gold helicopter with a busy eternity of opening and closing things ahead of her. It is thought that when God finally calls time on the Universe, Brenda will officiate, unveiling a space plaque before being presented with yet another fuckin' bouquet of fuckin' flowers. It is thought that on that last day, Prince Philip will turn to The Source Of All Existence and enquire: "So, what do you do then?"

I have a theory

2011-07-01T10:28:00.002+01:00

You know how Edinburgh City Council's a bit rubbish when it comes to tram projects and all that? Well, here's my theory.
Below is a picture purportedly of Jenny Dawe, "leader" of the City Council.

Except it isn't. "Jenny Dawe" is Kevin Eldon, the go to guy for all comedic needs, in a blond wig, just fuckin' about.

Tell me I'm wrong. Go on, tell me.

Linehan should sue

2011-06-29T09:53:00.001+01:00

Father Ted co-writer Graham Linehan should get the lawyers on to this one.
Ted, circa 1996, Craggy Island:

Some bloke, 2011, Paris Fashion Week:

Ye-e-s...(From the BBC)

2011-06-26T08:46:00.001+01:00

"The Scottish government has laid out a revised timetable for new anti-sectarian legislation, with a view to passing a bill by the end of the year.

The move came as Scottish Labour called for football fans to be included in efforts to tackle sectarianism."

Step 1: Set timetable to pass bill.

Step 2: "Consult" with fans.

Step 3: Consult with The Old Firm.

Step 4: "Revise" timetable to pass bill.

SFA: "Send in a working party!".

2011-06-22T09:18:00.001+01:00

The Scottish Football Association joined Wales and Northern Ireland today in condemning the creation of a UK soccer team for the 2012 London Olympics.A clearly upset spokescommittee told The JT: " The English FA are claiming that this team has been approved by all the home nation associations. This assertion is untrue."

The SFA is concerned that such a UK team might undermine Scotland's Fifa recognition but members of the SFA's board have more fundamental objections.
" The proposal has totally ignored the most fundamental issue surrounding the creation of a UK team: the design of committee members' blazers."

Following the SFA's traditional decision making timescales, it is thought that design approval for a new, multi-association blazer design might have taken some time.
" Following precedent, the SFA would've appointed a working party to look into the possibility of setting up a steering group to investigate the possibility of drawing up a short-list of possible badge designs for the new blazer subject of course to the scope of the steering group's delegated powers being approved by a full meeting of the SFA Executive board."
It is thought that the blazer design would have not be finalised much before the return triumphal of Our Lord to Dumbarton.
Even if the English FA had consulted earlier on the UK team,insurmountable obstacles would have still remained according to our SFA source.
" There is just no protocol in place to allow the design of a sausage roll acceptable to all the Home Nation football associations. This would've made the traditional., time honoured, endless round of buffets, enjoyed by committee members and paid for by other people's money very problematic."

Inside: This is true. Stewart Regan, Chief Executive of The SFA has condemned the English FA's actions as "anti-Scottish." Stewart is English. Talk about going native...

Yeuuch...

2011-06-20T14:16:00.000+01:00

If this headline from The BBC was to be taken at face value, then it might lead one's mind down some very disturbing, sexually-othered, alleys.Yeuuch...
Me first with the brain soap.

"And that your Honour, concludes the case for the prosecution..."

2011-06-18T11:19:00.003+01:00

As the reader of The JT knows, your editor has long expressed admiration for that exercise in situational art that is BBC Scotland News.
Thankfully, I can now illustrate my thesis by reference to a the YT clip below. And my thesis is? Simply that either: the production team is 100% made up of work experience persons and they're all on their first day, or: the technology is controlled by a crack squad of chimpanzees who just press buttons at random. Either way, thanks to Highland Pete for the heid's up. Headphones on, people.
( Update:Or perhaps not. Sorry, but the clip's gone from YT, so I think we can assume that the BBC has insisted the clip be removed from YT. They might be crap at TV production but they can produce a writ faster than a speeding bullet.)

Under legal fire Alex's day just about to get worse?

2011-06-16T11:00:00.001+01:00

With our Great Leader under fire for criticising the Supreme Court and (allegedly) profiteering human rights lawyers, informed sources believe that Alex Salmond's day is just about to get worse.
Under threat of writ for defamation, it is thought that even now a explosive email is winging its way, (if that's what emails do) from war torn Tripoli.

See what they did there?

2011-06-10T07:23:00.000+01:00

This headline from today's Scotsperson, suggesting that despite circulation woes at the rag, the headline writing person still has a sense of humour. Top gag.

Tangentially reminds me of a real ad in The Herald aeons ago, offering a post within some social work department of "Elderly Abuse Coordinator". And a few weeks later, " Alcohol Development Officer."

And with

2011-06-09T07:34:00.001+01:00

BBC Alba's viewing figures still hovering around the nane mark despite the move to Freeview, pressure was mounting on BBC Scotland last night to rebrand the Gaelic channel.
From:

To:

Justice minister

2011-06-09T07:27:00.000+01:00

Kenny Macaskill last night angrily rejected claims that the panel of four lawyers he appointed to review Scotland's position in respect of the UK's Supreme Court were in any way biased towards the SNP.

"Wan historically distinctive system of justice separate from the rest of the UK, there's only wan..."

2011-06-07T09:21:00.002+01:00

Someone, a lot smarter than me, encapsulated the problems of selling stuff as "retail is detail". Meaning, I think, that every aspect of an offer to the public in terms of shopping has to be just right.
Would that TV scriptwriters/casting agents all gargled at the same fountain of knowledge or took into account the fact that some of the TV audience might, like, you know, know stuff?.

Picture the scene, dear reader, do. We had (ahem) "acquired" the pilot episode of Chaos, a well-received and popular US TV show centring on the post-modern doings of a rogue group of CIA agents sticking it to the strait-laced squares who run the agency.

We settle down to watch, looks promising for the first five minutes. Funny, quirky, slightly subversive, you know, all the good shit. And then, God in Heaven, we're introduced to agent "Billy Collins", (Sorry, that would be "Buhlee") who we are asked to believe is Scottish, sorry, is "Scawtisssssh".

Our Wullie apparently is originally from somewhere called "North Edinburrah".
Good luck locating that on the map. I think this means he was brought up in The Forth, but that's just the start. Over the next few minutes the actor's accent goes for a tour round Central Scotland. Now a bit Muirhouse, then a bit Maryhill. Ten minutes in and the only sound the Scottish viewer can hear is the grinding of teeth in their own skull.

Believe me I've nothing against the actor playing "Billy". For the record, it's James Murray, who despite the surname is a Mancunian. I am sure he's giving it his best RADA trained shot at doing "North British", but fuckin' hell... Is it really beyond the wit of LA casting agents to at least audition Scottish actors for Scottish character roles?

And if they really must cast a non-Scot to play a Scottish role, aren't there any Scots ex-pats in LA they could run the accent past? Actually, maybe they got the Mike "I do a great Scottish accent me" Myers to approve the take.

That would make perfect sense.

"Ahm Buhlee, ahm Scot-issh" Fuck off mate, naw you're no.

Not one

2011-06-05T16:52:00.000+01:00

to intrude on private grief, I wouldn't normally bother with stories like this one:

However.
Reading it brought back to mind my all-time favourite hypnotist joke.
Ready? OK. Look into my eyes, deep into my eyes...
.
The trainee hypnotist's first stage show was going really well. So well in fact that the ingénue, somewhat over-confidently demanded of a hypnotised volunteer that he "lightly" hit the performer over the head with a hammer.
Somewhat predictably, things didn't go quite as planned and several months later our young hero finally starts to come round after months in a concussion induced coma. His grateful family gather round the bed to witness his return to consciousness.A return which involves him suddenly sitting bolt upright in bed, spreading his arms to the sides and declaiming "Ta Da-a-ah!"

I just love that gag, I don't know why, I just do.

"The only place a handicap's a good thing."

2011-06-04T17:13:00.001+01:00

Golf.
We Scots gave the game to the world, and for some unknown reason the world didn't give us it right back.
Thank God for the Irish then, Dead Cat Bounce in particular, for expressing in words and music my deep loathing for good walking spoiled.
Thanks lads.

Grrr, grrr..

2011-06-02T08:51:00.000+01:00

From BBC News for the undead, Scotland.

A former Hollywood agent who swapped a multi-million dollar celebrity lifestyle for the pulpit is set to be inducted to his first parish.

Sang Cha is being ordained as a Church of Scotland minister at St Mungo's Church in Alloa, Clackmannanshire.

Mr Cha told The JT: "As an agent, I was privileged to help cast many Hollywood films, and I don't know why, but when I'm on the streets of Alloa I'm irresistibly reminded of George Romero's zombie movies."

Insert own "If you think this is bad, just wait 'til the real zombies turn up" gag here.

A spokesperson

2011-05-30T16:04:00.000+01:00

for Edinburgh Zoo confirmed that a nursery would be built within the new panda enclosure at the zoo, to encourage the normally solitary animals to mate.

and so it begins...

2011-05-27T08:30:00.007+01:00

(From The Scotsperson )
Hospital bids to be first to give patients surgery by robots

Published Date: 27 May 2011 By Frank Urquhart

A major campaign was launched yesterday to raise the £2.5 m needed to establish Scotland’s first “robotic” surgical theatre at one of the country’s leading acute hospitals.

…. the fund raising drive has been launched to equip a theatre at Aberdeen Royal Infirmary with cutting edge equipment…

"This is going to hurt, a lot."

"Going into work later today then?"

2011-05-22T15:56:00.000+01:00

How's that for volume? Do you want me to take a bit more off the sides? No? OK then, I'll just start drying it then. So, are you working today then? Oh, you're a scientist? That's posh, you must be dead brainy. So do you work in a laboratory then? You do, sorry, but its in space? You work on the International Space Station? Do you really? And you'll be flying up there later today and you're all going to get interviewed via video-link by The Pope while you're on the space station in orbit and subject to zero-gravity?
Oh here, I bet you're glad you're getting your hair done....

The Jaggy Thistle - Scotland the barbed

While I concede

Is it just me

Its official! I'm an idiot! Ae fond apology...

Salmond discovers new fact about Games of Soldiers...

Tone deaf

OK, just back away slowly and don't make eye contact.

I'm sure

"I don't think we're in Kirkcaldy any more,Toto. Ken?"

Ooh, its a tough one isn't it?

I must admit,

An Xmas tale

"Yes, this idea will definitely work..."

And as Scotland

Ooh look,

When it comes to criticising

And with

And as Scotland

I'm inordinately

This just in from The BBC

Student Tory agrees burning Obama effigy "sent out wrong signal"

And as

Ooh er missus...

If you squint

Davidson to offer Fraser "big job", Fraser to consider options, not excluding suicide.

A somewhat analogous process has also been known to occur

Davidson victory, " A triumph for happiness"

Ladies,avert your gaze now

From The Scotsperson, sort of

"Can fuckin' Alex Salmond do this?Well,can he? Can he?"

As you know

Its from The BBC, more or less,

and in

Go on, admit it, you thought so too...part two

Is your tea oot?

Go on, admit it, you thought so too...

Police show "admirable restraint", it says here...

As you know, dear reader

I'm sure there's a moral

One

Yes Annabel, wishes really do come true...

Hang on, this must be some kind of mistake.

This just in...

Just so we're all clear

If you have tears to shed

Just very, very occasionally

Unfortunately, its deja vu all over again

Fuck me! You wouldn't shag it would you?

Whoa! Canada!

Barrel, like shooting fish in a

Catholic Church in anti-gay marriage stance...

While a spokesmortarboard

And this just in

Do try to keep up

Re-brand Scots Tories?

"Listen! Did you hear that as well?"-spectral entity to stand for Labour Leadership.

Because you're well read dear reader,

Oh dear (from a Scottish town)

Waterloo Road comes north, River City goes south

From The Scotsbaby

TV girls' four little rays of sunshineGail McGrane, Judith Ralston and Gillian Smart made the headlines last year, when they all become pregnant and took maternity leave at the same time.

I'm ashamed to admit

Fuck me, that's a bit harsh.

(From the BBC)"Brad Pitt zombie filming begins"

The little

Selective perception.(From The BBC)

God knows I'm not one

We've all met them.

This "news" certainly puts trivial things

Alles ist klar, nicht wahr?

"Gr-eat"

"Careful,men.This looks suspiciously easy.We could be walking right into a tr..."

If memory serves

This from The BBC

Normal disrespectful, stupid, cheap gag service will be resumed later...

What I love

I think

Not ripped, not sorted

Christ knows,

Go on admit it,

TV girls' four little rays of sunshine Gail McGrane, Judith Ralston and Gillian Smart made the headlines last year, when they all become pregnant and took maternity leave at the same time.